私はあなたなしでは何も思いません

It is that first moment when you see that person that was only a still picture and a string of text. That awe that you feel that your face clearly projects. It is the giggles and sighs and blushed cheeks. Or those quiet intermissions when you would rather be kissing them instead of talking. Or the way your heart races when you see them smile (and you know it is directed at you). It is that absentminded fiddling with your shirt or twirling your hair while you wonder what they smell like up close.

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chocolate covered corn nuts

I found this in my notebook from early 2020. Not sure if I have already posted it. Sorry if I have. It is cute so I am reposting it.

Date someone who pursues you endlessly and chooses to be with you.
Date someone who does not take romance lightly and finds ways to brighten up your day.
Date someone who takes the initiative to plan and takes you out on a date.
Date someone who treats you with utmost sincerity and respect.
Date someone who showers you with sweet surprises and gestures to show you that you are on their mind.
Date someone who has clear relationship goals and is honest with you from the very beginning.
Date someone who is transparent about their intentions and does not string you along.
Date someone who makes it blatantly clear that you are the only one for them.
Date someone who never plays mind games and gives you mixed signals, as everything has been crystal clear from the start.
Date someone who is not afraid of commitment and loves you wholeheartedly.
Date someone whom you connect with body and soul.
Date someone who is your best friend, your partner in crime, and your biggest fan.
Date someone who shares common values and vision of the future.
Date someone you are delighted to spend every waking moment with.
Date someone whom you fall deeper in love with each day.
Date someone who makes mundane days extraordinary simply with their presence, as being with them is an adventure of the lifetime.
Date someone who makes the small moments count, as they are indeed everything.
Date someone who loves unrestrainedly and gives you the best they have.
Date someone who makes love so magical that being with them feels so easy.
Date someone who opens your heart and makes you believe in love at the lowest point of your life.
Date someone who validates your feelings and uses their actions to prove that they are in it for the long haul.
Date someone who reassures you constantly and chases away your darkest fear and worry.
Date someone, you will trust wholeheartedly, as they have won your heart.
Date someone to whom you are not afraid to show your vulnerability.
Date someone who never judges you for your past and who will keep your secrets. Date someone who accepts and loves you for who you are.
Date someone who appreciates your strength and is there to celebrate every accomplishment with you.
Date someone who is there for you through every obstacle and quietly supports you in all that you do.
Date someone who shows up with their consistency and steadfast concern and never lets you down.
Date someone who continues to stay by your side and reassures you that you have nothing to fear, even when you retreat into your shell because you are terrified of getting hurt.
Date someone who pulls you closer and loves you harder when life becomes stormy and dark.
Date someone who never once makes you feel like a burden or that you are difficult to be with.
Date someone who never gets impatient and suggests that you are acting crazy.
Date someone who does not blow hot and cold and triggers your insecurity further. Date someone who is as happy to be with you as you are to be with them.
Date someone who loves you the way you deserve and wants to spend the rest of their lives continuing to do so.

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01.January.2019

While deleting my “old story” I found this in my blog’s rubbish bin:


stop holding on to anger

 

I have been so annoyed at so many people. People that have exploited my kindness. People that stopped texting back. People that did not like my photograph but liked my friend’s EXACT photograph that we posted at the same time because we were sitting right next to each other. This shit does not fucking matter but sometimes I let it fester. Why? I have no damn idea. There are dust particles of high school left in there or something. It perplexes even me (and really, I do not even care for this woman I am annoyed at so why am I wasting my energy on her?).

I am still angry at Will for leaving. I am angry at Thomas not being the man I thought he was. I still sort of cross at Paul for taking me from my life just to cheat on me & catapult me on the carnival ride of Scandinavian cold-hearted love affairs. I loathe my mum to the point that just talking about her gives me acid reflux.

I do not need to this. None of these people cares that they have hurt me. I am suffering at my own damn expense. Dummy.

read more

I only ready one book a month. This is nonsense.

stop allowing people to walk all over me

I give everything and get nothing in return. There is something to say about being selfless. There is something else about being a martyr. I have always thought that if I did not give people things, they would not like me. If I did not allow the guys I was dating an open relationship, they would cheat. My self-worth has been zero since the beginning and only now I realise that this is a problem.

I have had friends take things from me that are expensive and they do not even think to offer me money for them. I took a few friends on holiday with us and asked them to pay gas money. They never did. I brought it up twice, I was ignored so I dropped it. I know they did not have much for money… and like a weirdo, I went home and gathered up more things for them and made them baked goods.

I was afraid I offended them to ask them to pay their agreed share so I gave them MORE.

Girl.

let go of people that are not hanging on to me

I am lucky, I have always had a few solid friendships. I do not see them daily but I do see them frequently and they are always there when I need them.

I made some newer friends after Will died because I left some people behind when I was dating him and it was nice to talk to people that did not know him.

I have been chasing around a few people from before Will & I were together but it is not the same… not that I expected it to be, it is 4 years later and no-one enjoys talking about their happiness around me. Like I am some sort of rain cloud. My boyfriend died, it is true, but life goes on. I know it was hoped that I would be in a new relationship by now so everyone could feel more comfortable around me.

Yeah. So they could be more comfortable around me.

be heard

I have been building this soapbox for years now. I know my opinions are not always popular. My work makes me feel like I am doing something good. It has been a long time since I have felt like I have been part of something bigger than myself… it is nice to be separate from the nonsense of eyeliner, baby diapers, sepia Norwegian landscapes & stupid Instagram stories that no-one besides you care about.

remind me how big the world really is

I travel a lot but I always do the same things everywhere I go. I have to get rid of these tunnel vision glasses and pretend like I am as fearless as people think I am.

I do not know exactly what I am looking for but I know more and more what I do not want. I am dead tired of fair-weather, self-obsessed, mediocre friends. I want the truth, the brash kind that makes you question if you knew what you were talking about (and your response is to make a mental note to research what you were told NOT TO TURN INWARDLY AND BECOME SMALL AND INSECURE AND SAY THAT THAT PERSON IS ATTACKING YOU AND TRYING TO MAKE YOU LIKE THEM). I want people around me that can teach me new things and challenge the facts I have already & can not feel painfully diffident in the face of someone that is more than them. Joy in my life is variety. I want my comedy to come from people sitting in the same room from me, not from a YouTuber. I miss slam poetry and listening to people tell you what they want to be when they grow up, not how lazy they are and all the opportunities they have missed because they could not be bothered. The relation of productivity to a person’s relative worth because they have poured their heart and soul into something — now, where have those doers gone to?

I know folks wanted to take over the world and turn in into a huge glittering disco. I wonder where they went.

I bet they got a Snapchat & now have fucking dog ears

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think about me

I believe in coincidences being more than coincidences. I believe that all of the little moments in our lives are specks of stardust that make up entire constellations. I believe that when we ask for answers, the wind will reply with poignant discernment and the earth will shake. I believe in the magic. The unspoken, the unknown. The things we cannot quite explain, but the very things that weave our lives together and make them alive. The things that are not meant to be explained, only felt. I believe. I believe I believe I believe. I believe in the magic when rivers of tears are falling from our eyes, and I believe that those very tears will be the water that blooms wildflowers next to our favorite alpine lake. I believe, and will always believe, in the magic of this world that holds us.

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fighting growth

“Two monks had been close friends all their life. After they died, one was reborn a deva (a heavenly being) in a beautiful heavenly world, while his friend was reborn as a worm in a pile of dung.

The deva soon began to miss his old friend and wondered where he’d been reborn. He couldn’t find his friend anywhere in the heaven world, so he looked in all the other heaven realms too. His friend wasn’t there. Using his heavenly powers, the deva scanned the world of human beings but couldn’t find his friend there either.

Surely, he thought, his friend wouldn’t have taken rebirth in the animal realms, but he checked there just in case. Still, there was no sign of his friend from the previous life. So, next, the deva searched the world of what we call the “creepy – crawlies” and, to his great surprise, there the found his friend reborn as a worm in a disgusting pile of stinking dung!

The bonds of friendship are so strong that they often outlast death. The deva felt he had to rescue his old companion from such an unfortunate rebirth, no matter what karma had let to it. So the deva appeared in front of the foul pile of dung and called out,

“Hey, worm! Do you remember me? We were monks together in our past life and you were my best friend, you’ve been reborn in this revolting pile of cow – shit. Don’t be worried, though, because I can take you to heaven with me. Come on, old friend!’

“Hang on a moment!” said the worm,

“What’s so great about this “heaven world” you are twittering on about? I’m very happy there with my fragrant, delicious pile of delectable dung, thank you very much.”

“You don’t understand,” said the deva, and he gave the worm a brilliant description of the delights and pleasures of heaven.

“Is there any dung up there, then?” asked the worm, getting to the point.

“Of course not!” sniffed the deva.

“Then I am not going!” replied the worm firmly.

“Nick off!”

And the worm burrowed into the centre of the dung pile.

The deva thought that if only the worm could see heaven for himself, then he would understand. So the deva held his nose and thrust his soft hand into the repulsive pile of dung, searching for the worm.

He found him and began to pull him out.

“Hey! Leave me alone!” screamed the worm.

“Help! Mayday! I’m being worm – napped!”

and the little slippery worm wriggled and squirmed till he got free, then he dived back into the dung pile to hide.

The kind deva plunged his fingers into the stinking faeces again, found the worm and tried once more to pull him out.

The deva almost got the worm out, but because the worm caped a second time and hi even deeper in the dung pile, One 108 times the deva tried to lead the poor worm out from his miserable dung pile, but the worm was so attached to his lovely pile of dung that he always wriggled back!

So, eventually, the deva had to go back up to heaven and leave worm to his “lovely pile of dung”.

You may laugh at this story but we all are attached to our own “shit”. Because we refuse to see what is beyond what we consider as “good” or “desirable”. Desires, beliefs or ideas can blind us greatly. You need to understand that there is ALWAYS greater than what you consider as “the best”. Just be open to that. What is your “pile of shit” that you see better than “heaven”? Ask yourself that 😀

Basically what you desire or what you see as the highest high depends on how you see yourself.
If you think like a worm, for you the greatest thing in the existence is a pile of shit.
If you see yourself as a heavenly being you would no longer deal with that shit because to you: it will have no value. But if you see yourself as a worm or think like a worm you will not even have a concept of what is “greater” because your self-concept is so small and so limited.
Another more realistic example: If you see and think only of your ex then you cannot see your own full glory and greatness and all the things you can achieve because your whole self-image and your own “standards” are blocked. For example, some people crave to have just a message from an SP or ex and to them, this would be the highest happiness in the world, so they spend their days in the dark waiting for that instead of realizing how BIG they are and how life is much more than that. Most of them are even ready to die if they don’t have it and they are ready to destroy everything they have just because they don’t have that “shit” they declared as the highest high. But if they began to think as a heavenly being or just a sane human being, if they just try to see their own value, their own purpose, they would not only have messages but much more out of life. And the irony of all is that they will have no time for waiting messages.
WHAT YOU DESIRE and WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY DEPENDS OF YOUR SELF IMAGE

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happy serf

What Each Zodiac Sign Should Stop Lying About In May 2020

Sagittarius

Stop lying about what you want, simply because you’re scared to admit the truth.

GIRL.

Issue #1: “Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person. A demisexual identity is a useful indicator for where a person might fall on the asexual spectrum.”

 

That is not to say I do not find people attractive—although admittedly, it is incredibly seldom. Deducing whether the initial thought of “He is quite cute” can transpire into “Wow, this is the guy I have been searching for” takes me a very long time. Until that moment arises, though, I will feel no sexual urges. So, even if I do think someone is attractive, if I do not know or trust them well enough, I will not experience any physiological stirring. Nor will I be tempted to engage in anything if they come onto me. In fact, chat up lines and expectant innuendos are enough to turn me the complete opposite direction. Just like attraction can grow, it can also be quashed upon the release of one cheesy line. And once that happens, there is no going back. And once I am involved, I am loyal. Love is not bound by labels. Like a flower, it will grow if the right conditions are met.

Issue #2: I know it looks bleak right now. I know it is quiet and I know that the quiet is what gets to us. Humans are not meant for solitude and although absence does make the heart grow fonder, we have been apart from each other for too long and it feels more like we are living in a void-like we are living in the semblance of whatever was left of the world we created. So, yes, we are apart right now, and yes, we do not know when we will be able to see each other again, but I do not like to think about that right now. I like to think about what it will feel like when we can be close to one another again. I like to think that when we will be together again, it will be warm. The air will be heavy with humidity and the sun will be blinding our faces will look gentle and our palms will be sweaty and open and the bees will be floating to the pollen on the flowers. And we will not mind any of it because at least we will be together. Maybe will even get a tan on our pale skins. Goddess knows we need it.

Issue #3: Not all of us are good at loving. We might feel it inside of us. For some of us who love the hardest, the feeling of love is so huge and overwhelming we do not know how our body can possibly contain it all. We love in the words we write late at night, our fingers flying over the keyboard. We love the songs we hum as we walk to work and in the way we meet those we care about most in our dreams. But we do not know how to pick up a phone. We do not know how to share kind words and offer our support when it is most needed. We do not know how not to run. For us, running and flying and falling headfirst into our future is the only way we know how to live. It is the only way we have survived this life.

Issue #4: You can push me away a thousand times but I will still stay for a thousand and one.

 

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Asleep or dead

It was pointed out to me that I was actually a hopeless romantic. I scoffed !!! Me? A romantic? Surely you jest! I was shown this list. Now I am unhappy. I agree with the whole damn thing. 😓

1.Casual dating.

There is nothing a hopeless romantic hates more than casually dating someone. You’re basically falling into the trap of having someone without the commitment and assurance entirely. If you’re a hopeless romantic, you’re naturally already planning out the dates you want to go on with them.

2. Having sex on the first date.

Hopeless romantics aren’t into having sex on the first date. The reason for this is they know they tend to go overboard with liking someone, and having sex with them on that first date isn’t doing any favors, especially for them.

3. Texts instead of handwritten letters.

We live in the modern dating culture, and sadly, handwritten letters are going out of style. People nowadays would rather choose convenience rather than romance. However, nothing shouts “I adore you” than expressing your love through a handwritten letter.

4. Friends with benefits.

This is similar to casual dating, but you’re getting the benefits of a relationship without an actual relationship. This is a complete nightmare to a hopeless romantic. They either want you or not.

5. Netflix and chill.

Why is Netflix and chill a thing? Why is sex always the assumption? Netflix and chill is the worst for a hopeless romantic because they want to be taken out for dates. They want someone to go have coffee with them or to watch a movie with outside—preferably not at their place. Netflix and chill is literally the least romantic date for a hopeless romantic.

6. Saying “I love you” over the phone.

Nothing gets to the heart of a hopeless romantic like saying it in person. That’s the most genuine and heartfelt confession, after all. When you say love someone despite your hands shaking and your heart beating faster than usual, that’s when a hopeless romantic knows it’s real.

7. A lack of depth in conversations.

Hopeless romantics cringe at the thought of having to endure small talk with someone they want a relationship with. If you’re a hopeless romantic, you need someone with depth and substance—you need a best friend. Love is never to be a mundane feeling, and this is all the more evident in the relationship you aspire for.

8. Mind games.

What’s up with the rule that you can’t text them for three days? Or that you can’t send two consecutive texts without being categorized as ‘clingy’? Worse than either is the mixed signals. One minute they’re into you, and then they want to get away from you. These things are incredibly frustrating for a hopeless romantic. When you literally wear your heart on your sleeve, it frustrates you when people have to pretend to play all these games to capture your attention.
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These bright lights have always blinded me

Some people are not meant to stay. No matter how much they change your life, no matter how much you love them, some people are just temporary.

It is no coincidence we get attached to some more than others. Life keeps us close to those who touch our souls. I believe that life puts people in our path so they will light up the way. I believe we have to trust the process. Looking back, there is been no one I got attached to that did not positively change my life (at least a little).

 

There are people who come into your life to flip on the lights using a switch that was always there, hidden under a pile of dust, that no one had ventured to use before—the switch that frees you from the dark with the realisation that you are not the only one to believe in yourself.

 

I have met people like this. They left, but their lessons remained. I do not love them less now that they are gone—I do miss them, though. The void that their absences leave is healed by the beauty of their lessons. They shaped me into me; they have prepared me for my forever person. There is beauty in the ephemeral, in these short-lived connections. Maybe if they hang on too long, the vividness dulls and their message gets lost in the noise. The key, then, is to let them go before the light between you dims, releasing them onward into the next person’s path to plant the same seeds of beauty and growth that so changed you. You have to let them free.
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Further down the spiral

I will never live up to the expectations of a broken man.

You see, a broken man expects the worst to happen. He waits for the day I turn my back on him and walk away. He constantly questions my love and never truly believes it. He keeps me at arms length to protect himself for the day I finally say I stopped loving him. He looks for reasons why it is not going to work and holds on to those thoughts for ammo so he can say, “I knew it!”

A broken man holds on to what women did to him in the past and never truly sees you for who you are. Instead, he sees versions of you that prove why he should not trust you. He compares you to what he has had before and finds reasons why he can do better.

A broken man sees relationships as a cage where he is trapped and controlled. He does not see a partner as a way to free himself from the bondage he put himself into. He stays stuck in his past and says, “Never again…”

A broken man looks for cracks in the foundation of your relationship and does not repair them. He watches them quietly grow further apart and one day says he always knew it would not work. He not only hides what he sees but who he is because his insecurities are stronger than his ability to love.

A broken man will lead you down a path where he has no intention of giving you what you need. He only seeks to have you provide what he needs because he has a void the size of the Grand Canyon. He uses women because he will never go deeper than a puddle on the sidewalk.

A broken man expects the worst and never intends to change because he believes that everyone has something against him. He does not look within to discover his faults. A broken man says “You cannot change me” because he believes he is not broken.

I do not want to live up to that expectation he has, because I can see him hiding and afraid. I want to heal him. But what a broken man does not understand is that one day I may live up to the expectation, because loving a broken man can break a woman too.

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out of sequence

she listens as the waves begin to rock with her soul, and her heartbeat pushes and pulls deeper towards the ocean. like the kelp forests that flow with the underwater currents, she sways in gentle solace among the murkiness, finding clarity in the dark unknown. centred inwards, the orbit of her world circling the glowing heart in her chest. she creates her own beauty instead of that which is plastered along with billboards and painted across shiny magazine advertisements. she is salty and naked with her curves, her unmanicured eyebrows, and the dirt that remains calloused on the bottom of her feet. the earth is a part of her and she, a part of the earth.

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