I went on okc today to delete it but something told me to stop a second & look at my matches. I had a load of messages. Most just said “hi” or “hey” but there were a few that bothered to write sentences that did not 1.) tell me to smile or, 2.) want to start an argument!
I am discouraged by dating sites right now due to only seeming to find (untreated) mentally ill people or those that just want to use me as a springboard for their rage (OR! a tasty combination of the two!).
I might just acknowledge that my inability to trust my intuition is largely at fault here?
Quit that, girl. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, even if you want it to be a Vulcan… it is still a damn duck.
Today has been a weird-ass, strange as shit, funny as hell COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING day.
I took an issue to my therapist & after she read through weeks of conversation she told me to block the said person, he was gaslighting me and to avoid contact with him in the future. He thinks he has ‘cured’ himself of his previous illness but he might want to consider seeing someone again… but it was not my job to help him. She pointed out many places that it was clear that I only kept talking to him because I was scared of him. Places that I gave in to his bullying because I did not want to get yelled at again.
It was not that I did not care. I did.
None of this was going to be worth it. We had nothing in common, very little chemistry and he hated 99% of who I was. He was just lonely and I took up some of his time.
I am not lonely. It was quickly becoming a waste of my time. And another drain on my psyche.
In any case, I have made my peace with it. I wish him well & I have to sort out what is broken in me that I keep gravitating towards people that are like this.
I cannot put the blame solely on him. Yes, he could have been compassionate and not tried to wear me down with this escalation of misdirection & attacks from all sides but I could have blocked him and moved on ages ago. I have to take responsibility for hanging on.
And when I was asked why I cannot answer with complete certainty.
Getting stuck in that cycle of fear is so familiar.
But 6am is going to come too soon.
Sleep now. ✨🖤
p.s. I have disabled my comment page because, sadly, he is the vengeful type & I am not in the mood to babysit his rage. I apologise for any inconvenience.