Bedtime story

I went on okc today to delete it but something told me to stop a second & look at my matches. I had a load of messages. Most just said “hi” or “hey” but there were a few that bothered to write sentences that did not 1.) tell me to smile or, 2.) want to start an argument!

I am discouraged by dating sites right now due to only seeming to find (untreated) mentally ill people or those that just want to use me as a springboard for their rage (OR! a tasty combination of the two!).

I might just acknowledge that my inability to trust my intuition is largely at fault here?

Quit that, girl. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, even if you want it to be a Vulcan… it is still a damn duck.

Today has been a weird-ass, strange as shit, funny as hell COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING day.

I took an issue to my therapist & after she read through weeks of conversation she told me to block the said person, he was gaslighting me and to avoid contact with him in the future. He thinks he has ‘cured’ himself of his previous illness but he might want to consider seeing someone again… but it was not my job to help him. She pointed out many places that it was clear that I only kept talking to him because I was scared of him. Places that I gave in to his bullying because I did not want to get yelled at again.

It was not that I did not care. I did.

None of this was going to be worth it. We had nothing in common, very little chemistry and he hated 99% of who I was. He was just lonely and I took up some of his time.

I am not lonely. It was quickly becoming a waste of my time. And another drain on my psyche.

In any case, I have made my peace with it. I wish him well & I have to sort out what is broken in me that I keep gravitating towards people that are like this.

I cannot put the blame solely on him. Yes, he could have been compassionate and not tried to wear me down with this escalation of misdirection & attacks from all sides but I could have blocked him and moved on ages ago. I have to take responsibility for hanging on.

And when I was asked why I cannot answer with complete certainty.

Getting stuck in that cycle of fear is so familiar.

But 6am is going to come too soon.

Sleep now. ✨🖤

p.s. I have disabled my comment page because, sadly, he is the vengeful type & I am not in the mood to babysit his rage. I apologise for any inconvenience.

V.17

(Today I accept who I am.)

I accept that I am awesome.
I accept that my light attracts moths and other insects other un-actualised night-crawlers.

Moving past thoughts of my past that have limited my present and future was a decision (and a difficult one) needed to help my growth but in the process, I have started to unintentionally inveigle people that mean me harm. They want to absorb my light. It either blinds them or they want it for themselves.

When I try to help them, they get angry and judge me instead. I try to flick on their light so they can shine on with me instead! Living life free from blame, judgement and anger helps you accept yourself and others but most of the people that cross my path do not seem to want that.

They want to dismantle me.

I met someone that I shared my start-up business struggles with. He told me that I was a scammer. He thought that this was an acceptable thing to say to someone that was working very hard to start a business alone. His opinion was not valid in any way and just because he thinks anything new age is false, he was being cruel (he also argued that I needed to get over this comment, it was said weeks ago. He did not understand that every time I opened my mouth to say something about my practice I quickly closed it knowing that he thought I was a fraud. He had no idea how much his judgement took its toll on our relationship).

So now when I speak with him, I am not allowed to share any of my passion for my craft with him (without the fear of being mocked*). Which, these days, is 90% of what I do outside of my family (which I do not speak about either because he does not like kids).

I will never understand why people think that being sanguinary is ever a proper way to get to know someone.

Kindness and awesomeness are kin. My potential is being held up by this sort of exchange.

Remember: Your true self has no cruelty within it. Your ego, however, is self-sabotaging and enjoys causing harm to others.

Avoid people that are mostly ego, yeah?

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*People always mock because of weakness. Think about it… if you are ok, what need do you have to mock anyone?

So when they do it, they are trying to divert attention to you. But they are doing it for a reason… the reason is that the thing that they are mocking you for is something that they, very privately, have some insecurities with, and they would rather people “saw” those insecurities in you, not them.

I do not recommend meeting aggression with aggression. And mocking is really a type of aggression. So another option for you is to say that you understand. That you understand what the person is saying. That you get it. You acknowledge it.

What are you saying with that? You are not saying that it is true. You are saying that you understand “it”. But what is “It”? Is it that you are actually ugly/small/a failure…..? Or is it that you understand his/her insecurity?

The response is ambiguous, and not aggressive. It does not publicly accept what the mocker is saying, nor does it challenge the mocker to escalate. But it does allow him/her to maybe think that you somehow have spotted their insecurity. And the fear of that being exposed may make him/her think twice before reoffending.

If you have people that are not pleasant when to be around, those are not the ones you should keep near.

Do not ever take abuse in any form, physical, verbally or spiritually. If it does not feel okay, walk away.

Not everyone gets us, and that is okay, but being bullied is NEVER acceptable, your gut alerts you, and it is perfectly acceptable to remove from your life.

There are a few ways to handle mockery if you think that person is worth your time:
1. Be indifferent. They may eventually stop.
2. Hit back at them. Mock them in return (not my course of action but if you can handle it, give it a go. Some people can dish it out but cannot take it so they will stop).
3. Laugh back shamelessly as if you are enjoying their mocking vibes.
4. Warn them. Get even at another place. Some people understand the language of being roughed up. This one should be your last and most desperate option.
5. Last but not least, find the reason why they are mocking you. If it is something which may get resolved from your end and is actually negative, eliminates it (sometimes it is YOU).

Never allow anybody to get comfortable with disrespecting YOU.

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ˈʃaɡrɪn,ʃəˈɡrɪn

In the space we share you take for granted that I do not owe you anything.

It is okay not to be the smartest person in the room.

“I might not be woke but I am not sleeping anymore.”

I am drained by conversation with constant indignation. There is humility in knowing that some topics you are not an expert in.

Discomfort is a given, but it need not be – not in my personal space. I am not asking to be liberated.

I need to be around people that still feel awe.

V.1

(I accept that I am fully supported by the universe)

I admit, I knew this was not going to work out. It was fun while it lasted, really it was. I just cannot with your mood-swings. I have been here before and your need to lash out on me is bring me to places I would like not to visit again, so um

I am going to walk away before things get uncomfortable. I had a feeling today was going to be the day & sure, I feel kind of shitty stepping out while you were melting down but I told you that I was not babysitting your rage. I hope things work out for you.

So now I am going to sit here and eat Doritos and watch Pose because that is what I want to do. My evenings have been filled up with what everyone else wants to do but not tonight.

crushed violets

Here I understand everything. The smells make sense. The sun is warm but not scorching. The atmosphere is soothing. The noises my mobile makes to let me know he is thinking of me should make my heart happy. Instead, I feel an incredible sense of dread.

Something is going to break.

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