be unable to abide

It took every single bit of my patience not to scream into the void yesterday. I voice my dislike for things, he says he understands, and yet he never changes what I am expressing my dissatisfaction about. Like not a bit. Is it ignorance or does he really not care? It is hard to tell. Text is unyielding. Text has no fucking soul.

I abhor text messaging and he knows it. I tolerate it to the best of my ability for him. He has given me…

Never mind that.

But then there are moments that I swear things are going to be just fine.
Those are such small moments lately.
I am afraid of holding them too tightly because I might squeeze them into dust.

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i like the lights and the siren she says

The first of June came and went and he still is on that damn island. I did not make a fuss about him coming home because I knew, somehow, that he was not. If I had to take a guess on when he is coming home, I would say midweek, around the 9th.

And then we are going to go camping, damn it.
I do not know where, I just know that it is going to happen.
That is all I had to say.

(let me explain the message above:
the one and only time Eirik was at my house, we were a bit off of our heads and that was when he told me that he was possibly taking this job in Rørvik for 18 months. “Hey”, I said, “I have a friend that lives there!” As soon as I finished my sentence, something felt wrong at the base of my skull. And then in the pit of my stomach. “Tell him not to go”, I heard from somewhere in my living room. I opened my mouth to tell him that I had a weird feeling about this job but then I stopped. Would he think I was telling him not to go because I was suddenly crazy about him (side note, I was not at the time)? I felt uneasy. This job was a bad idea. Really bad. I could not say so, the words were trapped in my throat. I got up and started to eat candy out of the bowl that was on my antique table. We started to talk about something else but the ominous tone stayed with me for a few more hours. “Tell him not to go, Melinda”. I shrugged it off. How bad could it be? He said he would be home every fourth week.

This was the first weekend of February 2020.

The champagne and the hash that lightly laced the peanut butter won and my brain was taken over by giggles and hormones. It was not until the early hours that I was tucking him into a taxi and kissing his face (not knowing it would be three-quarters of a year before I would do that again) good-bye did I hear, “Tell him not to go, Melinda!”

I shook it off. All of it. His touch, his smell, the premonition. I went into the shower and thought, half-heartedly that I would probably never talk to him again, anyway. It was too fucking nice. We had too much fun. It was not mine to have. Nothing good ever was. So, what difference did it make if he took this job that was a bunch of hours away, and maybe I might not see him? Whatever. Who is to say that I will after today anyway? I know I frowned, I can still feel that frown when I think of how foolish I was that morning.

I refused to let the tenderness of what I experienced penetrate me in any way. I built a wall up immediately so I could keep him out. I already knew he was going to hurt me, why should I pave him a freeway directly to my delicate pink parts?

Even though I knew he was not the heart-hurting type. I just felt so vulnerable.

And I just let him walk into a trap.)


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birthday wi3he3

Please do not let me hold on to what I need to let go of. Do not let me fight for what I need to release. Do not let me desire what will eventually destroy me. Do not let me love those who will break my heart.

I do not get attached easily but I hold on to things tightly, so please do not let my mind want things that I cannot handle, do not let my mind trick me into wanting things I do not need or things that are not good for me. Please do not let my heart miss people who do not miss me. Do not let my heart long for the ones who left. Do not let my heart fall in love with someone who does not want to stay.

Please do not let me get attached to the things that keep me up at night, to people who leave me wondering and to places I am not meant to live in. Bring me closer to what is meant for me, let me hold on to those who are meant to stay.

Do not let me invest so much in things or people I am bound to lose. Do not let me want what is not mine. Do not let me build a future around what is temporary.

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sweet leaf

Six of Swords. This shows a change for the better. It shows that you will be able to stop focusing on the negative thoughts as well. In some cases, it shows that one of the partners may go through something like a spiritual awakening as well but I don’t feel that this will exactly be the case here. It’s more about you becoming more comfortable with your relationship and your place in each others’ lives.

Judgement. This card shows that you should be prepared to deal with some comments that may come from other people, that may not be all too constructive. If you decide to share how you’ve achieved the results with somebody else, they may be a bit judgmental towards you. I feel that it’s important to keep that in mind because if you keep it in mind, then you won’t feel discouraged when it happens and you will be able to dismiss it very easily. This card, however, is only showing a possibility of this happening. It’s not set in stone so it’s hard to interpret with certainty, by saying that you will for sure share information about your spiritual journey.

Queen of Swords. Expect to be able to meet up with Eirik more. This card definitely shows that you will be able to connect in the physical reality. You will be able to sit down and talk, you will be able to see each other, you will be able to do whatever you want to do together. It also shows that you may notice that he doesn’t exactly tick off all the boxes on your list of traits that your ideal partner should have but you won’t feel like it’s a big deal because these will be minor things!

Enjoy yourself, this is going to be quite a cycle for you!

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why is it called cherry-picking?

I have started randomly pacing the floors of my house. I have been lucky to have loads of towels to fold… they keep the hands busy. I went to buy something new to wear but I realised that I have a closet full of things I have hardly worn so nothing looked very appealing. I go to the gym & sweat buckets hoping to soon see a change for my efforts.

I am a nervous wreck, friends.

I have been living off a steady diet of Doritos, chocolate mints & plums (and sour jelly beans when I can find them). I have drunk at least 30 litres of limeade (made with stevia and a hundred limes) because water is boring lately. I cannot sit still (more so than usual) but when I do, I catnap.

My anxiety is messing with my cycle, I think. Either that or my IUD has finally opted to quit halt bleeding as a whole (yay!). I had minimal spotting when I was due this month & I still feel like I am missing something.

Last night I was out howling at the moon.

I can count all of the days out on one hand now. This is what we have been practicing for since we met. The curtain is going to go up soon. I do not know my lines, guys. I am terrified.


So happy.

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1/9 muses

“She is not very good at being human. The logistics of life do not hold her interest. She would rather believe people are good and life is beautiful.” Yeah… I am really okay about that being said about me. I think it might have been a jab, but it is the best description of me to date.

Nothing is the same. No steady footholds, no security blankets, constants are not so constant, etc (same as it never was) but I am certain that everything is going to be alright. There is an opportunity for a fresh slate, and maybe that fresh slate is a two-week-old loaf of white bread, but… everything is different. Slightly awkward but aching to be comfortable. The daily grind is sharp and you know you have to cut to feel.

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fly a fantasy

I had started a short story that I morphed into something else. It was to be autobiographical in nature and I was told just to write about something that would be simple.

I decided to write about falling for Eirik. I needed to write about who he was first. This was the paragraph I started with. This was not what I turned in but I thought it was adorable.

He was dwarves to my elves but I could dismiss that because he did not like Star Wars and loved Star Trek. We met on a dating site and we talked nonstop for two weeks. I did not sleep for more than four hours a night and I swear, we were two peas from the same pod. We disagreed on very little and to make the situation even better, we lived in the same neighbourhood. No LDR needed. We were both awkward as shit. His last relationship had been garbage so he was not super crazy about jumping into another one and I was realising that maybe I was not as eager as I thought I was to get into another one (even though Will had been gone for nearly three years at this point). We hung out, talked for hours & hours each time and my god, he was brilliant. I will admit, I did not look at him much because I was so saturated in his brain — I wanted to mind-meld with him, it was insane. I fell for his articulation, his ability TO OUT TALK ME. Then we got high and I saw him. I saw his pretty eyes and his winsome nose and his delicate features and I wondered why I had not been looking at him. I always saw them first. I have been such a shallow bitch, how did I not see how beautiful this man was? His hair was brown and I missed that completely. It could have been blonde or red or shit, he could have been bald as far as I noticed. I was so wrapped up in his intellect, I forgot to pay attention to his physical attributes.

In a way, I think he was like this with me as well? He complimented me once in the whole of our conversations. He told me I was gorgeous but men are often big on this complimenting thing. In months of chat, that was the only time he pointed out my appearance. I think I ignored him (or at the minimum, I said thanks) because I wanted to talk more, not think about that nonsense. We had thoughts to share! Journeys to dream of! Worlds to conquer! Why waste our time with our outer appearances?

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It is that first moment when you see that person that was only a still picture and a string of text. That awe that you feel that your face clearly projects. It is the giggles and sighs and blushed cheeks. Or those quiet intermissions when you would rather be kissing them instead of talking. Or the way your heart races when you see them smile (and you know it is directed at you). It is that absentminded fiddling with your shirt or twirling your hair while you wonder what they smell like up close.

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I save all my best stuff for when I talk to you in my head right before I fall asleep.

You are entitled to feel hopeful.

You are entitled to want it to be something.

And you are entitled to think it could be.

You are entitled to invest your care, your attention, your time in something you want.

You are entitled to fall for them even if they do not fall for you. You do not need to base your emotions on theirs!

You are even entitled to misread the signals (You are entitled to make mistakes).

You are human, across all fronts.

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It is human nature to love what we do not have

You are not responsible for the way the world moves and shifts, for how situations change, for someone’s choice to walk away or stop believing in something you still have faith in.

We are not in control. We cannot make every little piece of our lives come together. We cannot force people to love like we love or feel what we feel.

You must be responsible for your part, but find peace in knowing there is so much you do not/cannot control. You must find comfort in the acceptance of what is, rather than forever seeking what could have been.

Look back to learn.

Look forward to hope.

Love yourself even when your life is messy. Allow yourself to heal and know that not everything is your fault.

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