what’s the worse thing I can say

Last night I slept for trash. I spent the whole day before getting my hair braided and wow was I over-stimulated by the time I got home ten hours later. Twenty people crossed my path in one day. Men spoke to me with the desire to get to know me. One of them left his number on my phone thinking I would communicate with him on a more personal level.

I was never asked if I was with someone. I was just assumed I was interested in some shape or form. I had one person tell me that he was in love with me. Another man told me that I was the type of woman that he could easily fall in love with.

What. In. The. Hell. 😂😩

I think I am staying indoors forever and ever, thanks.

Odd enough, I only heard a tiny bit from the person I wanted to hear from during all of this. He must have been busy af yesterday. Today (it is past five) I have not heard from him at all. I will not miss this phase of our lives. I hope it is over sooner than later.

Right, so when I tried to sleep, all I could think about was all of the sounds and smells (people kept bringing in food to eat) and so many creoles to listen to. I could not hear myself think.

I had many things to tell Eirik. He just never messaged me again after four or something.

I talked to Nathan the whole time. It is odd how there is always someone to fill the silences. I do not like it but it is better than being alone.

And Nathan is proving to be a darling friend. We have a lot in common and he is always on the other end of a message. I never have to wait for him to reply.

Caleb is going to smack me senseless.

I need a nap.

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stronger than me

The days tick by as they always do. Today was fun and I got a lot done. Productivity makes you feel good, right? I am going to put my CV back up because these side hustles as not keeping me occupied enough. Once I am vaccinated, I am going back to full-time employment.

Gulp.

I am going to talk to my therapist about this, of course. I need some help making this transition. I have no idea what I am doing. I just know that I need more in my life than kids, crafts, the occult & the never ending story.

Give me a purpose that makes the hours go by outside my kitchen please? I have given the planet some fucking delightful humans, I have educated myself to the top of my eyebrows & my goodness, if I do not do something that gives me a reason to wear my fabulous wardrobe out of doors…

I have enough income to get by and still buy what I want. It has nothing to do with that. I know my boredom is going to consume me if I have one more snowfall without something to do.

And no, a boyfriend is not going to cut it. As a matter of fact, if I get to watch one more significant other leave everyday to have a life outside while I wash dishes and darn socks I am going to scream.

Why did I bother to get all of these smarts if I am never going to use them? Just to attract nerds? 😂

LET ME OUT

also, I sent this yesterday. I had to break it up into two messages because it was too long and would not send. No, he did not reply.

Super surprised but I thought he should know.

Wth with this weather?!

I was feeling a bit shitty so I ordered myself a dress:

I try not to lean on retail therapy but that one was too cute to pass up.

Okay, gym clothes on. I have decided to run all of my woe away. So far, so good. 😬

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take the power back

Last night I went to the gym and ran until I could not move my legs. When I got off the treadmill, the floor underneath me was moving like jello. That has never happened to me before. I ran like I was running towards something glorious. I was smiling, nearly laughing at some periods of time. I was delirious, no doubt. I was half-dancing, half-prancing like I was a joyful deer in the first mornings of the summer listening to the birds sing songs and the other woodland creatures about having a delightful go at it. Nothing could be sweeter than my gallop, listening to something electronic and loud as I moved the speed faster and faster and the sweat just poured off of me. More, I thought. You can fly, you know.

Faster I went.

Every cell in my body woke up. My head started to throb but I kept running.

And the smile on my face grew.

I snapped back into my body at 8.3 and I shook. Where this piece of me was all of this time, I do not know. To say I feel “whole” is cliche and does not fit what I am trying to explain.

The loneliness I have been feeling has been so deep and dank & no idle chit chat has been able to make it disappear. I sold off a piece of myself agreeing to terms I did understand.

I guess she thought it was okay to return?

In any case, wow, do I feel like a gazillion gold coins today!

Case in point: they might be the one, really & true but make sure they are working as hard for you as you are for them. Otherwise it is not worth it. You cannot care for the both of you and keep yourself whole. That is not love, it is martyrdom. Do better for you.

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tiresome paper dreams

note well ♡
you are not:
-your clothing size.
-whatever your ex said about you.
-(in that case) the residue of your last relationship.
-just a parent, spouse, sibling, worker-bee, care-giver, tax-payer, taker-uper of space.
-what you purchase, how much you consume, what you own, et cetera.
-your age, social status, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, diet preference, political standing, or religion.
-your disorder or disability.
-alone.

 

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boost now

With things looking the way that they do, I took the invite to tinder. We made a new account and took a deep breath and activated it. I put my preferences in, turned my messages on & put on a podcast.

Girl.

Two damn hours on this site and my phone was lit up. I was on a video chat and we were dyiiiing. The tinder tone is chiming as I am typing this now. I matched with just a few people and they are chatty!

See, this old bat is not dead yet. 😸

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🤦🏽‍♀️

You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with sertraline. Alcohol can increase the nervous system side effects of sertraline such as dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating. Some people may also experience impairment in thinking and judgment. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist if you have any questions or concerns.

I had been taking a small dose of sertraline after my birthday to deal with the depression that snuck up on me. It was never meant to be a long-term situation.

No one mentioned that it did not mix with topiramate.

Combine that with the birth control and the alcohol I had the night before… it is amazing that I did not put myself in front of a train.

I did not say anything about the antidepressant because Eirik made some snarky comment about tablets not fixing everything. Yeah great, I am glad you have the ability to suss out your whole life with no help. I cannot leave my house except to run short errands because if I get sick, I might stay sick or I could die. I am so damn lonely and people are afraid to come and visit me because they do not want to get me sick. Right, of course, you are so superior to me because you have it altogether because you do not feel anything. All of your shit is bottled up in your wizard jars and I am a mess with my two or three feels so la-dee-da, I had a breakdown because I fell in love with someone that runs away every time he gets too close and might say out loud that he is happy too.

I react to antidepressants because I do not have a serotonin deficiency but I was desperate. It helped for a minute but wow did I fuck up. I mean, whatever, I do so many things well, I might as well screw up in a grandiose sort of way too right? The bottom line is this: when people cannot manage to communicate properly, I have to wear different masks around them. I am BAD at mask wearing. It is like lying but different. I am modifying who I am to suit their fakeassness. If they were just open, I could be myself and all would be great. Most people just let me run wild but Eirik is not one of those people. He wears a great big black box across his middle and its name is seven. Over the time I have known him, it has decreased in size, but he still wears it like an anchor. He hates it too, by the way. Some people wear them with pride. He is aware of it and he shifts around it like an ugly sweater someone knit him that he promised to wear because he loved the knitter. It is ill-fitting & makes him uncomfortable. But he wears it all the same. We talk about it and he does not know how to take it off.

So I wear a mask to accommodate that hideous thing.

I tried dancing around it, but it takes up so much space. It is physics. I had to match it.

As time went on, I got frustrated and tried to name that box something else: fear of commitment, him not being over his ex, me not being what he wanted, him wanting someone else, whatever – it stayed seven and my mask got heavier.

We got closer sometimes, sometimes I did not want to be with him at all. I dated others and did not talk to him for ages.

When I put the mask back on it would feel like second skin, like I never took it off, even if it had been months since I last wore it.

It always got heavy fast, though.

I would wait for him to say something to feed my heart, a compliment, any crumb to let me know that we were back “on”. Half a year went by before he did so.

In that amount of time, I turned down five people that wanted committed relationships. Nothing was wrong with any of them. They were just not him. Even if they looked a bit like him. Even if they were handpicked to talk to me about history (because now I have a problem). They did not get me like he did.

And they did not have me on a fucking line like he does.

I have no addictions, dear hearts. I tried like hell to pick up smoking, no other drugs stuck, alcohol I can take or leave (and with my family history, that is weird) but his ability to fill me with intelligent banter for hours and hours and then chat me up and flirt my knickers off, snuggle me up like a kitten and manage to do all of this months without degrading me

& then he disappears with no word for days, weeks, sometimes months

AND THEN REAPPEARS to do it all over again it is like the drugs I never got hooked on and he managed to wrap his soft pale arms around me and I got lost in those foresty eyes my god.

Add a hormone disruption like the one I had plus the alcohol and then I just wanted to die.

I cannot.

My autistic brain is already super-charged.

In or out please.

Stop playing with me. People are not toys.

/no grammar correction sorry if this is insane.

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valentines day 8888: love like blood

Quick, draw me a door! *shakes head*

Boy, do I know how to get myself into situations!
For a split second, though, I was not painfully bored so that was something.

And one whole year of conversation and bae hearted me. It is the very first time.

Huh.

Not sure what the heck just happened there but I am going to quietly (not really but text can be super silent hahahahaha) tiptoe around that conversation that just happened.

And the other one happening in another window.

Leave me unattended and unattached and chaos can erupt.

Tether me, please 😂

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valentines day 6666: sweets for my sweets

today I made things slightly simple for myself – no heartfelt playlists or donations to small furry beings… I gave out some candy to people & smiles were had. That was it.

I never thought that I would say this but… I miss being around people.

hugs and that sort of thing. I did not think it was important until it was gone. I was the one to shy away from them, reluctantly accepting them, knowing they were socially acceptable (and eventually being the one to give them). Now what I would give to just snuggle my face into someone’s jacket in a welcoming embrace! I might cry.

Yikes! A display of emotion in public? Stone me now, please!

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science-flavoured white noise

When you start writing your own story, you begin to understand that the real villain in the story is you.

Plot twist!

Nothing is more grating that trying to blame other people for your shitty behaviour, circumstances and general malaise.

Take responsibility. You are the problem. Not your mother, father, uncle or ex. You.

Moving along.

Writing this story has been weird for me because I catch that part of the tale that leans in on a situation that someone did something that affected me in some negative way. How did this happen? Well, maybe that is not what I should be focusing on. Maybe I should be focusing on changing the memory.

Give me a second, okay?

Say you saw a girl crossing the road and you watched her get hit by a car and she died. From that point on, you are traumatised. Your life is forever changed. Every time you tell the story, you fall deeper into a hole of depression and regret. Why did you not yell to her to stop? Why was the driver moving so quickly? ɛtˈsɛtərə. Your memory keeps you trapped in misery.

Change your memory.

Say you saw that same girl crossing the road and she got hit and broke her leg but she is fine otherwise. Repeat that story just as many times as you repeated the other one. “Hey, lady are you okay?” Hear her say, “fuuuuuck my leg” or something to this manner. Hear yourself call and ambulance. See them take her in it, alive and well.

You replace that memory with the old one and the trauma disappears. Your subconscious does not know the difference. It is not standing next to you noticing whether or not this situation really played out this way.

You feed your subconscious its meals. Feed it wisely.

We tell ourselves the same old story over and over again, keeping ourselves in depressing tales and we wonder why our lives never change for the better. Our thoughts create our realities. If all we think is melancholy, woe is me, the world is rubbish, nothing ever works out for me, there is no point to this, why should I bother, I have no plans so I have nothing to look forward to nonsense THAT IS ALL YOU ARE EVER GOING TO SEE.

Every negative thought you play on repeat is going to show up in your life. I cannot have xyz is going to be on your plate every single day.

It makes a lot more sense to think, I can have xyz so you can have something sweeter, no?

Play better music, hear better music.

When those negative thoughts run through your head, tell them off with a positive, opposing thought – negative thought: “Oh, I will never have what I want.” opposing thought: “Of course, I am going to have what I want, I am fucking amazing. I get whatever I want, whenever I want it.”

Your self-talk is so important. You would never let anyone talk shit to your best friend without knocking their teeth out. Why do you talk to yourself like you are garbage? You are a celestial being – I am not making this up. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, yeah? If you can possibly learn from my mistakes (and I know that is not something that we do very well), this is the one you should pick up – people treat you the way you show them how to. Even if they have always treated the people around them with respect if they see that you treat yourself horribly, they will too. Why? People are just lazy and will but the minimal amount of effort into everything. It is really just that simple. If they see that you are a high-quality person and they want to be in your life, they will put all of the efforts they have into you, all of the time.

I mean, saying that makes sense in a way that should not even be said out loud but I really had no idea. I give every tiny piece of myself to every person I know. Then I become quantity over quality, ya dig?

Choose your thoughts wisely.

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the light of a dead star

The alignment challenge for today had asked for us to decided if we really wanted our desires or not. We are halfway through the challenge now so it was time to reanalyse. Are we making ourselves too small?

At one am on this first day of this new year, I decided I was done with Eirik. I have been here before, I know. Something with this question made me snap – it was the eternal Janet Jackson question: What Has He Done For Me Lately?

Nothing.

Why do I hang on to him? I already have someone else in my life (let us be honest, more than one someone else) that is interested in me & I do not dislike him. Do I have the bond with him that I do with Eirik? No. He is a completely different person. For one, I do not feel the need to communicate with him every day (which I would like to mention, I did not start). We video chat on a regular basis and have a fantastic time. We laugh a lot & it is just… easy.

My heart is not in it but that is because it belongs to someone else right now. I am loyal, I do not hop from one person to the other. This other person is a friend. Could it be more?

Yeah, if I burn this to the ground first.

I am not sure that I want to. I see too much of a future here.

But for now? I am walking away. The fire starting is tempting, I must admit. A year of this has been exhausting. I am worth more than what he gives me.  Maybe he does not even deserve me at all. Maybe I am not what he wants. Who is to say how any of this works? I would be lying if I were to say that I understand it. I know enough to say that I am tired and I do not want this version of circumstances anymore. He treats me like an option and leaves me no choice but to tell him good-bye & good luck.

I know he loves me. I know he wants me. I know he is being a scaredy-cat.

I also know that I have given him enough chances to suss himself out. Almost 365 of them.

He gives me nothing.

I have a checklist of things that I swore I would not take him back until he did. Ordinary things that guys do when they tend to like you. He had never done one.

1.) sends me a song to listen to that reminds him of me (or just one that he likes that I should listen to)

2.) compliments a photograph I have posted

3.) asks me out, randomly

4.) sends me flowers/ a card/ some odd token of affection

5.) tells me about his friends/family because he wants to share his life with me*

6.) calls me/ video chats with me (in the year I have known him he has rejected every single call I have made to him)

7.) asked me about me

And wow… that list was fucking depressing.

The things I have done for him?

I have lost track. Let me think… but please do not judge me too harshly. I am a giver by nature. I did not know when this started that it would get this out of hand.

1.) I feel weird putting this here but I made cookies for our first date.

2.) I made him an oil that took about a week to make because he said he had never smelled a scent I was talking about. I gave it to him on our second date.

3.) Our third date, he was supposed to bring something but he did not. I provided everything – the alcohol & the food (not that we ate but I baked a bunch of stuff that took quite a bit of time).

4.) Valentine’s Day: I sent him some books I ordered for him on planting seeds indoors and some Pokemon stickers (we were playing Pokemon go together then – we never played again. He said he would update his game in August to play with me but he never did – the one thing he did for me he never kept up with) & some lemon heirloom seeds from my private stash. He never acknowledged that he even got this gift.

5.) When he got depressed around Easter time, I made him a care package and sent it to Rørvik via Peter AND HE NEVER BOTHERED TO PICK IT UP. I spend hundreds of hours on it. I made him paints to keep him occupied while he was in quarantine and not with his family. I sent him herbs and oils to calm his melancholy. I made him cookies that I knew he liked and Easter candy. I bought him a t-shirt from black craft because he was lacking black t-shirts and was rebuilding a stash and I felt for him… no one should be without good black shirts. I was just trying to help. The package ended up being posted to his house because he left it at Peter’s so long. He cared so little about the work I put into it and how much I worried about him.. anyway.

6.) When he did get home, I had Meny send him some cheese and figs and baguettes. This is the only thing he sent me a message to thank me for. I think this was in May.

7.) I gave him some stuff for his birthday: to be honest, I forget what besides a Gemini mug that I originally bought because I thought by then he would be part of my regular life & would be having coffee at my house and we all have star sign mugs. He had not been to my house in months so I just gave it to him. It seemed stupid to keep such a pretty cup in my closet.

8.) When he stopped talking to me, I started knitting squares to keep my hands busy. Those squares turned into an afghan. It had 65 squares, I think. I gave it to him. He never said anything about it.

9.) When I did finally see him, I gave him a Stranger Things t-shirt that I ordered ages ago and a Spock costume shirt that I hoped he could have worn at Halloween time. Oh, and my broken t-shirt from high school.

10.) I made him some masks and gave him a kitten headband when I knew he was home for Christmas. He never said anything about this either but I told him I would make him some. I just left them on his porch and walked away.

11.) I feel like I should add that I made his niece a sweater and left it for his brother. Nothing was said to me about it either. There was a situation about why I gave it directly to him which I had not planned to. I have long decided not to talk about that anymore but in any case, when someone gives you something, you say thank you at the very minimum. Nope. Not a word. It seems to be a family trait. In this case, I was trying to smooth over an awkward moment that was not even my fault and somehow I was thwarted anyway. Over-kindness is sometimes seen as stupidity.

He knows I will be there for him no matter what he does.

But he is incorrect.

As my sense of value in myself grows (and after writing this somehow disgusting list) I really want nothing to do with someone that can take so much from me and still be this way.

You do not have to want someone because they are kind to you but you can be kind enough to let them go.

*the little I know about his family he told me in the first days of our chats. He stopped talking about them after that. I know almost nothing about his friends. Not a name or anything. One whole year of being around him and I could not tell you a damn thing about the people he spends time with.

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