The alignment challenge for today had asked for us to decided if we really wanted our desires or not. We are halfway through the challenge now so it was time to reanalyse. Are we making ourselves too small?
At one am on this first day of this new year, I decided I was done with Eirik. I have been here before, I know. Something with this question made me snap – it was the eternal Janet Jackson question: What Has He Done For Me Lately?
Why do I hang on to him? I already have someone else in my life (let us be honest, more than one someone else) that is interested in me & I do not dislike him. Do I have the bond with him that I do with Eirik? No. He is a completely different person. For one, I do not feel the need to communicate with him every day (which I would like to mention, I did not start). We video chat on a regular basis and have a fantastic time. We laugh a lot & it is just… easy.
My heart is not in it but that is because it belongs to someone else right now. I am loyal, I do not hop from one person to the other. This other person is a friend. Could it be more?
Yeah, if I burn this to the ground first.
I am not sure that I want to. I see too much of a future here.
But for now? I am walking away. The fire starting is tempting, I must admit. A year of this has been exhausting. I am worth more than what he gives me. Maybe he does not even deserve me at all. Maybe I am not what he wants. Who is to say how any of this works? I would be lying if I were to say that I understand it. I know enough to say that I am tired and I do not want this version of circumstances anymore. He treats me like an option and leaves me no choice but to tell him good-bye & good luck.
I know he loves me. I know he wants me. I know he is being a scaredy-cat.
I also know that I have given him enough chances to suss himself out. Almost 365 of them.
He gives me nothing.
I have a checklist of things that I swore I would not take him back until he did. Ordinary things that guys do when they tend to like you. He had never done one.
1.) sends me a song to listen to that reminds him of me (or just one that he likes that I should listen to)
2.) compliments a photograph I have posted
3.) asks me out, randomly
4.) sends me flowers/ a card/ some odd token of affection
5.) tells me about his friends/family because he wants to share his life with me*
6.) calls me/ video chats with me (in the year I have known him he has rejected every single call I have made to him)
7.) asked me about me
And wow… that list was fucking depressing.
The things I have done for him?
I have lost track. Let me think… but please do not judge me too harshly. I am a giver by nature. I did not know when this started that it would get this out of hand.
1.) I feel weird putting this here but I made cookies for our first date.
2.) I made him an oil that took about a week to make because he said he had never smelled a scent I was talking about. I gave it to him on our second date.
3.) Our third date, he was supposed to bring something but he did not. I provided everything – the alcohol & the food (not that we ate but I baked a bunch of stuff that took quite a bit of time).
4.) Valentine’s Day: I sent him some books I ordered for him on planting seeds indoors and some Pokemon stickers (we were playing Pokemon go together then – we never played again. He said he would update his game in August to play with me but he never did – the one thing he did for me he never kept up with) & some lemon heirloom seeds from my private stash. He never acknowledged that he even got this gift.
5.) When he got depressed around Easter time, I made him a care package and sent it to Rørvik via Peter AND HE NEVER BOTHERED TO PICK IT UP. I spend hundreds of hours on it. I made him paints to keep him occupied while he was in quarantine and not with his family. I sent him herbs and oils to calm his melancholy. I made him cookies that I knew he liked and Easter candy. I bought him a t-shirt from black craft because he was lacking black t-shirts and was rebuilding a stash and I felt for him… no one should be without good black shirts. I was just trying to help. The package ended up being posted to his house because he left it at Peter’s so long. He cared so little about the work I put into it and how much I worried about him.. anyway.
6.) When he did get home, I had Meny send him some cheese and figs and baguettes. This is the only thing he sent me a message to thank me for. I think this was in May.
7.) I gave him some stuff for his birthday: to be honest, I forget what besides a Gemini mug that I originally bought because I thought by then he would be part of my regular life & would be having coffee at my house and we all have star sign mugs. He had not been to my house in months so I just gave it to him. It seemed stupid to keep such a pretty cup in my closet.
8.) When he stopped talking to me, I started knitting squares to keep my hands busy. Those squares turned into an afghan. It had 65 squares, I think. I gave it to him. He never said anything about it.
9.) When I did finally see him, I gave him a Stranger Things t-shirt that I ordered ages ago and a Spock costume shirt that I hoped he could have worn at Halloween time. Oh, and my broken t-shirt from high school.
10.) I made him some masks and gave him a kitten headband when I knew he was home for Christmas. He never said anything about this either but I told him I would make him some. I just left them on his porch and walked away.
11.) I feel like I should add that I made his niece a sweater and left it for his brother. Nothing was said to me about it either. There was a situation about why I gave it directly to him which I had not planned to. I have long decided not to talk about that anymore but in any case, when someone gives you something, you say thank you at the very minimum. Nope. Not a word. It seems to be a family trait. In this case, I was trying to smooth over an awkward moment that was not even my fault and somehow I was thwarted anyway. Over-kindness is sometimes seen as stupidity.
He knows I will be there for him no matter what he does.
But he is incorrect.
As my sense of value in myself grows (and after writing this somehow disgusting list) I really want nothing to do with someone that can take so much from me and still be this way.
You do not have to want someone because they are kind to you but you can be kind enough to let them go.
*the little I know about his family he told me in the first days of our chats. He stopped talking about them after that. I know almost nothing about his friends. Not a name or anything. One whole year of being around him and I could not tell you a damn thing about the people he spends time with.