be unable to abide

It took every single bit of my patience not to scream into the void yesterday. I voice my dislike for things, he says he understands, and yet he never changes what I am expressing my dissatisfaction about. Like not a bit. Is it ignorance or does he really not care? It is hard to tell. Text is unyielding. Text has no fucking soul.

I abhor text messaging and he knows it. I tolerate it to the best of my ability for him. He has given me…

Never mind that.

But then there are moments that I swear things are going to be just fine.
Those are such small moments lately.
I am afraid of holding them too tightly because I might squeeze them into dust.

Tagged : / /

intercommunal violence

Please stop with your fucking hashtags for peace on either side unless you know the history, okay? It is funny that in any other situation, most people could care less about jews or Muslims (dare I say loathe either of them) but now it is chic to say that you like jews in a public forum! First, let me voice that when I worked for a very pro-Palestine non-profit some years ago, I did not question the whys either. I just heard about the current going-on’s and nodded my head and agreed. When I asked my group leader what was going on now, she explained to me this round of missiles and political shadiness and when I asked her why this was happening again, she got irate with me like, “duh, because Israel!”

When I dug my heels in and wanted to know more, she treated me like her answer should be enough. We have a side, we are pro-black, always, any further questioning would make her query my loyalty.

Huh?

I did not know the history of Palestine and Israel (and if you do not, here is a brief, non-bias dig) so I did not understand why they keep going at each other. I did not know that the British had their hand at dumping the Israelis there (but am I surprised?) and giving them dominance over the people that lived there already. Sounds totally British to me! They continued this even when the UN told them to knock it off. Many settlements on the Palestinian side are illegal but who is going to enforce it? Right right, and Trump came in and messed with things even more. The U.S. cannot leave shit alone. And people are surprised when terrorism is bred in this sort of environment? Is it the right thing to do? No, but is it a huge damn surprise? Get pushed out of your homes, have everything taken from you and see what force you use to keep what you have left.

I disagree with using violence in any form. I am not taking any side because both sides have monsters. Both sides have millions of innocent people. Let us be honest – this is another decades-long battle about religion and that is rubbish at its core. No intelligent human needs religion outside of their homes. Love your gods, but leave your dogma in your living room. Evolve. Your inability to see humans attending a different house of worship than you are holding you in the dark ages. Seas of blood have been let for this cause.

It is time for metamorphosis.

Tagged : /

a circle has no beginning

It is not a big surprise that I am thought of as a bit slow when it comes to my social interactions. I am told that I am not to be trusted when it comes to matters of the heart because I test poorly with men.

I explain myself and I am told that I am excellent at “making excuses”.

The only way I can do anything properly in this arena is to stay alone and read books. Honestly, there is no way I can make this virtuous. Have any optimism, have heart and you are seeing things in a positive light and how dare you.

Am I unrealistic? Who is calling the shots? Has this person lived a life similar to mine or one that has had twists and turns like a reusable bamboo straw?

I think a lot of this boils down to this. Honesty without tact is cruelty. Just be kind.

Tagged : /

Troll feeding

I feed trolls. I did not know this was a thing until I found myself completely defeated day in and day out. I truly thought I was helping just to understand that people are there to start arguments for fun.

White saviours are my Achilles heel. How can a white person tell me how bad it is for a POC? 🤦🏽‍♀️ They know it all except how to listen, learn, and to step back and understand that this is not about them.

I know, everything up until now has been. But please, take a seat. This civil rights issue is not about you. We can talk about black people without talking about natives, trans people, or other minority groups. It is perfectly OKAY for you to see that there is no connection except that we are minority groups. We can deal with one issue at a time. Really, issues are dealt with better that way. I mean, if you are cooking dinner you could wash the dishes, garden & do your taxes but maybe your dinner would have the best chance of not getting burnt if you just cooked?

As I try to explain this to dozens of people a day, my faith dwindles. No one seems to care. They will say the same shit over and over. They are sure that black people can have what ever it is that they need but ONLY IF the other groups have their shit FIRST/TOO. Black people cannot be entitled to anything unless it is tacked onto something white people have as well.

Understand this 100%: if black people are given anything that white people do not have, they stole it, it is welfare and know that white people will take it back with interest in black people’s blood.

The system is not broken; it was just never designed to let black people off their knees.

Tagged : /

that was weird

I had a conversation in group today about your theory on how younger people are better at communicating within relationships. I got laughed at by the people in the group and the health professionals. It is well known, they stated, that younger millennials and older gen z have a more transient experience when I comes to relationships. They fall in love less, they have more one-night stands and when in relationships, they solve their problems less often because they know when things get tough they can cut their losses and start swiping again. They have decision fatigue which makes hanging on to their relationships tricky once they have decided to commit. They seek quick rewards for minimal effort, rapid intense gratification over something long-term. They are not less concerned about love and connecting themselves or their self worth to their relationships (as you so quaintly started that people before them did). They just want their partners to see them as them as the individual as they are first. The younger generation craves being radically unique more than being in a gilded cage. And their partner needs to be as much of an individual as they are. It is more consumerism than romance.

I wonder if we have the opinions that we do because we reflect a certain bias in ourselves. I believe that we are all equal across the board. No one is better or worse due to economic factors, age, race or sex. I have been in the Peace Corps, I have done so much charity work in the US as well and I have worked first hand with people of all ages. Love is truly love. I have watched people in terrible conditions keep their relationships together because they loved each other. Their age did not matter. To take a generational blanket and spread it across people’s behaviourism I think might be a bias you are holding.

But then again, what do I know. I watch videos on kitten behaviour and Star Trek and The Twilight Zone. I do not watch anything that is made to provoke me or to get me to take a side. I stopped watching the news because it was bad for my mental health. I try not to comment on things I truly have no idea about. But I do interact with people in this age group. A lot of them. I have been all over & never have I thought the things you have said.

Lastly, people get credit when they do things.

Tagged : / / /

casual or systematic

I would not have thought that I knew anyone that harboured any ageist tendencies.

What separates Generation Y from X? And hey Gen Z, welcome to the party! What’s the cutoff? How old is each generation? Are they really that different?

I never thought much about the age groups/generation thing until now. It appears that younger people do not need to be loved the same as older people do. They do not want to be in relationships nor do they put any value in them. They think older people are pathetic for wanting to be in them. They feel like younger people are left out and do not get enough credit.

Or… maybe it was just this one person’s point of view 😊

The younger people that I know have a deep desire to connect to others. They are service oriented and they have many acts of kindness they ripple across this planet. They are hard-working and powerfully determinant to be happy.

Or maybe this is just my point of view 😊

In any case, I chalked it up to a we shall agree to disagree. Age is not something that makes people that different – experience does, but not our biological age. The second you start with the -isms, you begin tumbling down a slippery slope.

Tagged : / /

soft-boiled

it has been a loaded weekend. Nothing “bad” happened but the lessons keep piling up & even if I do not want to learn from them, the books olavs themselves at my feet so I trip on them.

Our Sunday conversation (about Ivy, she was outdoors from the day before):

That was all we said. All day.

The day before was slightly chattier but we are not really saying anything. Substance has left. It is flat. I do not feel comfortable saying anything to him. I know that he can dismiss me at any time. Poof, gone. Putting any effort into him is pointless. I have given him all I have.

I realised that if I walked away from him, I might hurt him. This made me unhappy.

The phases this goes through are extreme, sometimes, due to his inability to let me in & when he does let me in he often kicks me back out.

Insanity: doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different result. (A. Einstein)

Tagged : /

burn it all away

Black people can have reparations without natives jumping on board ffs.

Did blacks get land when the natives did? Nope! Quit being dense.

This woman went on and on and on about how it was interconnected and if one gets it, the other should. No, one already got something, it is someone else’s turn.

Then someone else’s jumped in being an ALLY and started calling her names and oh wow she is a racist and yikes.

Calm yer tits, ladies.

Trying to get people to listen and understand is impossible. They bulldoze and assume they know all there is to know about being black while they are white folks. They know what is best because they are woke and all anti-racist!

What a mess. I felt like I was talking to children. When do white people suddenly know more about what is good for POC?

Last week I had a black woman try to play the race card on me because I disagreed with her. She blocked me and then continued the conversation to make it look like she had the upper hand & I bailed from the chat 🤦🏽‍♀️ This woman is a known race baiter & a straight up bully. She has caused so much damage in the field she works in. She even said that a woman with autism was faking it to act how ever she wanted without needing to suffer the consequences for her actions. There is a class-action suit being put against her as we speak. She is not a good human. I bailed from that situation before it got too heated (I blocked her from both of my accounts after I called her out on her nonsense).

But the bigger question is why is this happening? Race is such a nasty ticket. It was once just something the left would use to get people going and now it seems like everyone is inter-fighting amongst themselves. The civil war is going to be fought on two fronts: the left against the right and the woke against the sane. Fuck the woke. I thought they knew where it was at but if you can bully companies into submission and lie, whine and scheme to get your way, you are just as bad as the other side.

Without integrity, we are lost.

Tagged : / /

Paul

This post has been on hold for months, if not years. I am not sure why it has taken me so long to type the words I am about to write but know that they have been bellowing to be heard for many a moon.

I was baking a cake tonight. I noticed that the eggs that were once present were not. I asked him (after he sighed and said, “ugh, what now?)” if he remembered how many eggs were left when he made some. He said, very positively, that the kids could not have done it. I did not understand how 12+ eggs could have vanished.

This is just what he does. I must be crazy. These eggs never existed. Someone must have walked into our house and used them. Maybe I am not looking in the fridge hard enough. But under no circumstances did anyone do anything ‘wrong’ beside me.

gaslight
/ˈɡaslʌɪt/
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
  1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

 

I did not even know this was a thing until the nurse I was seeing used the term. I did not notice how often he did it until this summer. I mentioned in this post that Paul and I had an argument. What I did not add was what the argument was about.

He had developed a crush on one of the mothers at Bowie’s school. We will for privacy’s sake call her Linn. He began making playdates with Linn’s daughter and Bowie which at first was cute.

Until one day he offered to take her and her daughter off to a cabin in Røros. He never asked if I minded if he did this. When I said I did mind (I told him if he wanted to spend the weekend with this woman to feel free to but to leave Bowie out of it), he made plans to take him against my wishes.

When I found out about it, I was upset. He told me that I was insane, I was a retard and I should be admitted to a hospital. He went off on me for more than 15 minutes about how awful I was. Mind you, he did this in front of Bowie. We were both in tears.

When Paul apologised, it was only to keep the peace. He did not mean it in the slightest. He was livid that I would stop him from making his move on this woman. I did not know this at the time, but he had not told her his intentions yet and without Bowie, he had no way of getting her alone.

He was using my son to pick up a woman.

He told me that he hated me. Never had he spoke words that felt more truthful since I have met him.

This was in July. Nothing has been the same since. He has been systematically dismantling my authority in the house. He yells at me in front of the kids, he tries to undo all of my rules (I have been the only one making and keeping them for the past two decades. He has never cared about parenting until now). He finds something wrong with everything I say and do. Instead of talking about it like adults, perhaps pulling me aside and asking me why this is like this or why that is like that he makes a scene to show everyone how much power he has.

He called a house meeting to let the kids know that he was in charge of things now and everyone was to report to him. He would be checking chores and the like – he has not done one thing he said he was going to do so everything defaulted back to me but now I have less respect than I did before. The kids now a power play when they see one. They know he will let them do whatever they want and I stick to my guns.

Then there is the CONSTANT chipping away at my sanity. Telling me things are not happening the way I say they are. He will do things just to have leverage against me.

When I tried to talk to him about how bad this has gotten and was there something I could do to make things better he said he felt like I was attacking him.

I asked him what I could do to help.
And I was attacking him.

If I point out that he is gaslighting me as he is doing it, he just stares at me like I am actually demented. Or he will get angry and throw something else awful at me. He needs to point out how bad everything is for him, even as he is belittling me.

He is in therapy and I wonder how much good it is doing him. In the beginning, I was hopeful. I mean, there were some really tense moments, like when he gave me “I am sorry I raped you” flowers. I did not know exactly how to accept those. He had been methodically taking advantage of me while I was dosed up on sleeping pills for years. I got pregnant during one of these episodes. Flowers? What kind of therapist suggests this?

He cheated on me for 75% of our marriage and he found a way to make this my fault too. I believed it was until recently as well. The narrative was simple. I was just not assimilating into this culture well enough and it stressed him out so that is how he found relief (with other foreign women, I would like to point out). It has only been in the past months that I have understood that as my husband he should have taken care to help me. He isolated me on purpose. He hated that as soon as I moved here I made friends within weeks – he lived here for years and had no friends. He resented me and punished me. He was supposed to be my advocate instead he became my jailor.

I took the blame from his parents as well. Everything that goes wrong in their lives is my fault (seriously. One day his dad was chopping wood and something went wrong and he blamed me. To this day I have no idea how I have so much power to ruin someone’s wood chopping experience).

When I mentioned how sick I was of being his family’s scapegoat, he said he was tired of being mine.

I read him the definition of a scapegoat. He said, “Oh. That is not what I meant.”

I asked him what he meant then. He had no answer.

People think he is the nicest human.
He does the strangest things.

When he gets pulled over by the police he changes his persona to country bumpkin – like he does not have a fucking Ph.D. It took me some time to understand how manipulative he was and how often he did things like this to make other people look “bad”. He pretends to be foolish or less than he is but he can be vicious when he needs to be… and lately, he is venomous.

When he fell for Linn he said, “She is the first woman that I have ever met that I could not imagine hurting”.

I remember sitting there thinking, “What in the real fuck? What about the rest of us? What about me? I am mother of your children you goddamn monster.”
I seethed, saturated, radiated in loathing for him in the moments that followed.

He hunted black and brown girls because they could be abused. We were disposable. Petite, middle-aged Norwegian women now they are the prize – they always were. He could treat women of colour like trash because he was always waiting for his princess.

I realised who he was right then.

He was talking about dating trans people too because he was open to the experience but what I heard instead was, “I like to date marginalised people because it gives me power”.

This is why he goes after the women that he does (fat, mentally handicapped, and/or woc) because he knows we are on the bottom of that totem pole so he will be coveted.

I was asked if I thought he was a good person that just sometimes does bad things or a bad person that sometimes does good things. I am not sure how to answer that question. If I were to make a list of the things he has done for me, the good is spotty because behind every positive action is something shitty. It is hard to separate the emotional abuse.

Yes, he was good to come back around to help out after Will died but it also gave him control again. I was nearly free from him – if you recall, Will and I were planning on getting married. We wanted to move to Stavanger and get the heck out of TRD.

Alas,

When I mentioned that I was dating again, Paul seemed pretty alright with it. He was doing his own thing so he did not give me any grief… until it looked like things might get serious and then he got bitchy. I tuned him out and then it did not matter, because this turned into a full-blown situationship so

No need to make a fuss about something that has not evolved yet (maybe there are not enough candies yet? Maybe I need to make him my buddy and walk with him for a while? I bet he would be like 100 KM per damn candy though 😂).

Tagged : / /