shimmy shimmy cocoa-pop

“Overall, I feel that you have nothing to worry about. I feel that he is interested in you and that he does care deeply about you. I also feel that there is love on both sides. There is definitely a lot of deep emotions that are coming to the surface now. It’s only a matter of allowing those emotions to take over, on both sides. I feel that there is some holding back going on here, especially on his side. He may not be expressing his emotions very clearly at times simply because he is not acknowledging them as he should.”

I have been finishing up this semester, watching The Twilight Zone & cleaning up pretty much everything – my Instagram feed (out with hashtags & accounts that feed me politics, social causes & grief. All I want is astrology, cute animals & my loved ones), the basement, my closet, the garden… you know, springtime shit.

I just cannot cope with the dreadful occupations around the world right now. I know too much, I feel even more & I know there is nothing I can do. No one cares about the truth or about history. They just want to rage. I said I would stop feeding the trolls so… I opt out of reading one-sided bi-ops.

It is nice to scroll for a minute again. I do not feel like my head is going to explode when I put my phone down (and I am putting it down, not throwing it across the room).

I am dancing in the shower again, dear hearts.

I can focus on what is going on right here and now. Breathing properly, listening to Digital Underground, catching up with my brood & walking outside longer because it is not getting dark out so early.

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tiresome paper dreams

note well ♡
you are not:
-your clothing size.
-whatever your ex said about you.
-(in that case) the residue of your last relationship.
-just a parent, spouse, sibling, worker-bee, care-giver, tax-payer, taker-uper of space.
-what you purchase, how much you consume, what you own, et cetera.
-your age, social status, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, diet preference, political standing, or religion.
-your disorder or disability.
-alone.

 

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touch me (and I’ll break your face)

So, I listen to Mick Gordon A LOT. The past few weeks, I have noticed that when any of the Doom soundtrack comes on, I feel sort of odd. I did not understand why. I was weeding out my last.fm scrobbles & noticed this:

My memories from this night are hazy at best. But at least I know that we were listening to Sir Gordon so that is why when I hear it, it goes straight to my pants 😂

It is strange that even when your conscious does not remember something, your subconscious does.

I remember some, of course. It is not a black out. I remember putting Mick on. I remember having tremors. I kept hoping he did not notice. I recall my head hurting like something awful. Also, I remember wiping my lipstick off of my face and wondering how he escaped wearing it. I wondered if I stood up to kiss him if I would have to stand on my toes. There are whispers that flutter around my head during the day with the background of industrial gaming music.

“Ouch, no teeth in the fingernail.”

Peppermints.

Sleeping fitfully but warm and happy. I had a seizure but I do not think he woke up. I felt awful physically but I was so cosy.

I guess these memories take up a few hours. I cannot tell you what we talked about.

Drug interactions are no joke.

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I am not dissing my abilities

I was directed to a documentary about people with disabilities that were in relationships. It made me think, a lot, about how people have treated me in relationships. Thomas pointed out how much I was like Phoebe from a stupid 90s show he liked. I watched the show, four seasons of it, needing to understand why he would say that. She was naïve and cutesy. She was the butt of everyone’s joke.

I have been called Luna Lovegood on so many occasions I cannot even count. Rain(wo)man. Every manic pixie girl sidekick you can think of. “Hey, you remind me of (insert crazy but whimsical best friend of some main character in a fictional story.)”

“Yeah? But why would you say that?”

“Because you do the weirdest, most clever/adorable, unpredictable shit.”

What I should say here (but never thought about it until now) is, “or maybe you are just basic af.”

The comebacks you think about decades later.

Eirik is the only person that has not obviously treated me like I am different. But he also lives in his own little la-la land retreat so that would be the pot calling the kettle a kitchen appliance.

Birds of a feather?

Whatever. I am going to bed.

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🤦🏽‍♀️

You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with sertraline. Alcohol can increase the nervous system side effects of sertraline such as dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating. Some people may also experience impairment in thinking and judgment. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist if you have any questions or concerns.

I had been taking a small dose of sertraline after my birthday to deal with the depression that snuck up on me. It was never meant to be a long-term situation.

No one mentioned that it did not mix with topiramate.

Combine that with the birth control and the alcohol I had the night before… it is amazing that I did not put myself in front of a train.

I did not say anything about the antidepressant because Eirik made some snarky comment about tablets not fixing everything. Yeah great, I am glad you have the ability to suss out your whole life with no help. I cannot leave my house except to run short errands because if I get sick, I might stay sick or I could die. I am so damn lonely and people are afraid to come and visit me because they do not want to get me sick. Right, of course, you are so superior to me because you have it altogether because you do not feel anything. All of your shit is bottled up in your wizard jars and I am a mess with my two or three feels so la-dee-da, I had a breakdown because I fell in love with someone that runs away every time he gets too close and might say out loud that he is happy too.

I react to antidepressants because I do not have a serotonin deficiency but I was desperate. It helped for a minute but wow did I fuck up. I mean, whatever, I do so many things well, I might as well screw up in a grandiose sort of way too right? The bottom line is this: when people cannot manage to communicate properly, I have to wear different masks around them. I am BAD at mask wearing. It is like lying but different. I am modifying who I am to suit their fakeassness. If they were just open, I could be myself and all would be great. Most people just let me run wild but Eirik is not one of those people. He wears a great big black box across his middle and its name is seven. Over the time I have known him, it has decreased in size, but he still wears it like an anchor. He hates it too, by the way. Some people wear them with pride. He is aware of it and he shifts around it like an ugly sweater someone knit him that he promised to wear because he loved the knitter. It is ill-fitting & makes him uncomfortable. But he wears it all the same. We talk about it and he does not know how to take it off.

So I wear a mask to accommodate that hideous thing.

I tried dancing around it, but it takes up so much space. It is physics. I had to match it.

As time went on, I got frustrated and tried to name that box something else: fear of commitment, him not being over his ex, me not being what he wanted, him wanting someone else, whatever – it stayed seven and my mask got heavier.

We got closer sometimes, sometimes I did not want to be with him at all. I dated others and did not talk to him for ages.

When I put the mask back on it would feel like second skin, like I never took it off, even if it had been months since I last wore it.

It always got heavy fast, though.

I would wait for him to say something to feed my heart, a compliment, any crumb to let me know that we were back “on”. Half a year went by before he did so.

In that amount of time, I turned down five people that wanted committed relationships. Nothing was wrong with any of them. They were just not him. Even if they looked a bit like him. Even if they were handpicked to talk to me about history (because now I have a problem). They did not get me like he did.

And they did not have me on a fucking line like he does.

I have no addictions, dear hearts. I tried like hell to pick up smoking, no other drugs stuck, alcohol I can take or leave (and with my family history, that is weird) but his ability to fill me with intelligent banter for hours and hours and then chat me up and flirt my knickers off, snuggle me up like a kitten and manage to do all of this months without degrading me

& then he disappears with no word for days, weeks, sometimes months

AND THEN REAPPEARS to do it all over again it is like the drugs I never got hooked on and he managed to wrap his soft pale arms around me and I got lost in those foresty eyes my god.

Add a hormone disruption like the one I had plus the alcohol and then I just wanted to die.

I cannot.

My autistic brain is already super-charged.

In or out please.

Stop playing with me. People are not toys.

/no grammar correction sorry if this is insane.

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reality blending

I am in the process of making a better subscription service on here so I can have group chats and a place for my writing group. I dislike Whatsapp and I desire a nice place to have my girls to roam freely without being harassed.

Within an hour of publishing it, I started to get perfect strangers signing up for it. Now, I understand that is how these things work but I am pretty sure some of them are bots. Which is odd because I have those bitches locked up with them spiders.

Sure, there are a couple of fishy proxy users but this is nothing like that. I am fairly sure the vpn hiders are just people that want to know what I am up to but think they are slick enough to hide their location and I will not notice. Hey guys? I do not know anyone in France. You stick out like a sore thumb. Try a different part of Norway, or the U.S. or perhaps the U.K.? Dumbasses.

Anyway, I will make a post when I am done sussing out the particulars. I thought I was going to be done today but I have been under the weather. I had the biggest seizure I have ever had in my life this evening and the previous hours leading up to it I was nauseated and all-around-gross. I have burning myself at both ends these days – writing, not sleeping, homeschooling, stress and, um. Hmm. There is another pesky health issue that I am not going to get into here and if it becomes a “thing” I will post about it but right now, I am going to leave that alone – just know it was an ingredient into the stew that boiled over and woah what a jumbled mess of twitching limbs I was.

That was about an hour ago and now the colour is starting to come back to my skin. I am going to head to bed now, I only ended up here when I noticed my influx of random subscribers.

Hello! Who are you? And yes, I made your account status pending because I none of you showed up on my ip counter which means trouble. Usually. Unless you are a ghost. And then you could be anyone! …. Hendrix? Gramma?

Eirik?

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I wear this on my sleeve

Let me recognise my problems have been solved.

  1. If you are willing to recognise your problems, you will recognise that you have no problems. Your one central problem has been answered, and you have no other. Therefore, you must be at peace. Salvation thus depends on recognising this one prob­lem and understanding that it has been solved. One problem, one solution. Salvation is accomplished. Freedom from conflict has been given to you. Accept that fact, and you are ready to take your rightful place in God’s plan for salvation.
  2. Your only problem has been solved! Repeat this over and over to yourself today, with gratitude and conviction. You have recog­nized your only problem, opening the way for the Holy Spirit to give you God’s answer. You have laid deception aside, and seen the light of truth. You have accepted salvation for yourself by bringing the problem to the answer. And you can recognise the answer because the problem has been identified.
  3. You are entitled to peace today. A problem that has been resolved cannot trouble you. Only be certain you do not forget that all problems are the same. Their many forms will not deceive you while you remember this. One problem, one solution. Accept the peace this simple statement brings.
  4. In our longer practise periods today, we will claim the peace that must be ours when the problem and the answer have been brought together. The problem must be gone because God’s an­swer cannot fail. Having recognised one, you have recognised the other. The solution is inherent in the problem. You are answered and have accepted the answer. You are saved.
  5. Now let the peace that your acceptance brings be given you. Close your eyes, and receive your reward. Recognise that your problems have been solved. Recognise that you are out of conflict; free and at peace. Above all, remember that you have one problem and that the problem has one solution. It is in this that the simplicity of salvation lies. It is because of this that it is guar­anteed to work.
  6. Assure yourself often today that your problems have been solved. Repeat the idea with deep conviction, as frequently as possible. And be particularly sure to apply the idea for today to any specific problem that may arise. Say quickly:

Let me recognise this problem has been solved.

Let us be determined not to collect grievances today. Let us be determined to be free of problems that do not exist. The means is simple honesty. Do not deceive yourself about what the problem is, and you must recognise it has been solved.

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my name is n⃣o⃣o⃣d⃣l⃣e⃣

I have been working with a shaman – what an experience! Learning about negative entities and what they can do to a person has been interesting (to say the very least!). Did you know that your aura could have holes in it? Before this weekend I did not! People with holes in their aura do not like to be around others because they can feel their emotions very strongly – even if they were not empathic in the first place. Your aura is your armour so when it is damaged, you are susceptible to harm. Unhealthy daily activities have an insidious effect while healing activities have a cumulative effect on aura. Drugs, unhealthy eating, self abuse and abuse from others are a few things that put holes in the aura. A few ways to tell if you have holes in your aura:

No motivation.
Awful Mood Swings.
Low success rate.
Fatigue
Looking much older than your age.

Resentment is one of the biggest ways we harm our auras. Resentment is holding on to anger and internalising it. After a while the resentment causes disease and disharmony of energies, resulting in a damaged aura. If you have trouble letting go of resentment because of an injustice think about the fact that holding on to this toxic emotion is causing you harm and not helping the situation. The person against whom the resentment is directed might not even remember you. Letting go and moving on is the best revenge. Get bigger and better and show whoever did you wrong that he cannot hold you down.

Over-stimulation, drugs, weak attention control & unhealthy eating habits can also damage your aura.

If you do not have a shaman in your contacts list, you can suss your aura out yourself by removing as much of your social media as you can, 24/7 news, violent video games, music & films. Daily meditations & sunlight help (hard to get the sunlight in the Nordic regions of course but do what you can) loads. I use self-hypnosis  a lot now in conjunction with my meditation to keep my head on straight. Prayer, self-affirmations & positive self-talk are amazing. I like the Rewrite Your Reality series on Audible. I listen to them while I sleep instead of my music (I do not do silence well since I started sleeping alone). I always wake up happy and refreshed!

This weekend has been kind of amazing ☺️

 

 

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Like a prayer

There was one night that I felt so utterly helpless. I knew he was suffering and he refused to let me close. It was frustrating because I knew I could be of some assistance. He did not understand that we were put on each other’s paths for this very purpose. The harder he pushed me away, the more I longed to be near him. I felt a bit like a junkie in those early days. I ran through my mind all of the things I could do to “help”. I consulted with my friends and they told me to wait. I went to Fiona and she told me to step back and understand that this was his war that he had been fighting long before I came into the picture. “No,” I thought, “I have to help somehow!”

So, I fell to my knees and prayed. I lit a candle each morning and prayed for his mental well-being. I prayed every night for his deliverance. I wrote stories about his mind being cleared.

I asked the Crystal Silence League for help. Several thousand people have prayed for him.

It helped me let go of my need to “help”. To “fix”. Everything that is broken that I find a long my path is not my responsibility to take home to my work bench and refurbish.

but this one is so exquisite.

In any case, I am happy to have released this one into the universe. So many people have whispered for his well-being. So many people care about you, Eirik.

Get well, soon.

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Plague, inc.

It is weird to me that people are so chill about influenza. 

Influenza has killed more people so far this year than have contracted Wuhan coronavirus.

As of this posting, I think the death toll from the Wuhan coronavirus is around 900. In 1918 (grantedly a far different time as far as medical technology is concerned) influenza killed an estimated 50,000,000 people. That is 300,000 X more people than have died of Wuhan coronavirus (so far).

Yet flu is seen as little more than an inconvenience and a few days off from work now…

Fewer than half of all Americans have gotten flu shots this year. The flu kills 20,000-65,000 Americans every year. We need to get our own fucking house in order. 

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?