putting the baby out the with bath water

This has been writing itself for months. Dying to the old man has been a process that I have been fighting and I have no idea why. I suppose the old story has been all I have had. Without it, I have to build everything all over again – granted this is better than what I have. What I have had is full of holes & disappointment. Rebuilding gives me the opportunity to finally have what I want. But that is not without its issues, too. I have never had what I have wanted. I have tried to define this several times to no avail. Yesterday, I finally had the strength to walk away from people that were not serving me. They were either silent or villains in some way but I kept them in my life because I felt obligated. Today, I woke up feeling free in a way I cannot explain. I set boundaries and stuck to them. I said, “speak up or forever hold your peace.”

And I meant it.

It is not that I do not care about these people. Some of them I have known since I was a child. But I am tired of fair-weather friends. I have no room in my life for people that can only take. If you want to be part of my life, you need to pour into my cup.

This wrote itself.

I am someone new now, someone who is happy, someone is loved, secure, beautiful, healthy & someone who is always getting what she wants.

What does it mean that I am someone new now?

It means that I do not stress the small things. I know that I have what I want. I am who I want to be: loved, wanted, desired, smart, talented, driven, beautiful, independent, & hopeful.

What does it feel like to be secure?

Accepting life on life’s terms. Being the recipient of presence. Learning to vulnerable. Learning to forgive myself. Making peace with suffering. Accepting my mortality. Learn to give myself credit. Sharing my failures. Staying disconnected from the virtual world and focus solely on my ‘reality’. Learn to ask questions without the fear of feeling stupid. Having boundaries and keeping them. Having financial security.

What does it feel like to be beautiful?

Looking in the mirror and loving the human that is staring back at me – every freckle, birth mark, wrinkle & flaw included even if no one else is complimenting me. No one else’s opinion matters besides mine. I know I am simply gorgeous without the words of another human because I know the songs my soul sings without the façade of the skin I live in.

What does it feel like to be healthy?

To be able to eat whatever I want. To get energy from all that I consume. To stretch my limbs to the sky and breathe and sigh and writhe and smile widely. To run and feel the strength and burn as I catch more and more speed and I only slow when I am ready to. To sleep soundly at night and to wake rested every morning.

What does happiness look like?

Knowing every single moment of every day that it is done. I do not need to lift a finger. Creation is perfect. Once I have desired it, it is mine. I do not need to beg or plead to have it. I do not need to manipulate anyone or do a thousand affirmations or techniques to make it so. Everything is perfect as long as I have faith. In that faith comes peace. In that peace? Joy. You cannot live in two states at once. You cannot want something and expected it to come and you will be happy – your happiness only exists when you know you have it and you enjoy it & its certainty. If you still say, “I am praying for this, or manifesting this, or hoping for this”, you are not happy, are you? You are waiting for it to arrive or looking for the proper tools to make it come to you instead of looking inside of you where it has been all along.

Close your eyes. Imagine what you desire. Feel it real. Feel how happy it makes you. When you open your eyes again, keep that feeling close to you – that feeling is the secret. That is your key to happiness. Remembering how you felt when you connected to your desire.

Connect to it multiple times a day and when you are falling asleep. Remember how delicious that feeling was.

Choose happiness in your reality instead of whatever you are feeling right now.

That desire you have will appear in your life as long as you believe that it is yours.

Happiness feels like the wish fulfilled. Knowing that I have whatever I want when I want it because I am made of pure love. Sometimes when I close my eyes and think of what I want, I can smell it, taste it, feel it so vividly that I know I am there.

So when these situations show up in my life, I am not surprised. I am delighted. I rejoice and give thanks because I know I kept faith in myself and I persisted.

I am someone new now. I am someone that chooses happiness.

What does is it that I want?

I want to have absolute freedom. I want to hop in my car and drive for hours to a new place I have never been and set up a tent in a forest and sleep under the stars and wrap my arms around my lover and kiss him warmly before we drift off into a peaceful slumber. I want to be a wife to a man that cannot imagine living his life without me. I want to make delicious foods for people that rave about how fantastic of a creator I am. I want to write stories and poems that move people into tears because they remember when they once felt like this too. I want to be held tightly everyday because I am so loved by another grown human that cannot keep his hands off of me. I want a love affair that I can write about in volumes. I want to swim in the sea every summer for the rest of my life. I want a van or a camper to sleep in when suburban life gets stuffy. I want a house that has so many plants that it feels like a rainforest. I want happy and prosperous children that adore their lives so much that people think that they are slightly insane. I want to learn a little bit about everything. Every topic that can be taught I want to know at least an outline about. I want to conquer advanced maths and fiddly obscure sciences that are totally useless in my daily applications. I want to live every year of my life in a different philosophy just to learn how to think differently. I want to wake up every morning and need to pinch myself because I do not understand that this is real life because it feels like a dream it is so brilliantly deliciously perfect.

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science-flavoured white noise

When you start writing your own story, you begin to understand that the real villain in the story is you.

Plot twist!

Nothing is more grating that trying to blame other people for your shitty behaviour, circumstances and general malaise.

Take responsibility. You are the problem. Not your mother, father, uncle or ex. You.

Moving along.

Writing this story has been weird for me because I catch that part of the tale that leans in on a situation that someone did something that affected me in some negative way. How did this happen? Well, maybe that is not what I should be focusing on. Maybe I should be focusing on changing the memory.

Give me a second, okay?

Say you saw a girl crossing the road and you watched her get hit by a car and she died. From that point on, you are traumatised. Your life is forever changed. Every time you tell the story, you fall deeper into a hole of depression and regret. Why did you not yell to her to stop? Why was the driver moving so quickly? ɛtˈsɛtərə. Your memory keeps you trapped in misery.

Change your memory.

Say you saw that same girl crossing the road and she got hit and broke her leg but she is fine otherwise. Repeat that story just as many times as you repeated the other one. “Hey, lady are you okay?” Hear her say, “fuuuuuck my leg” or something to this manner. Hear yourself call and ambulance. See them take her in it, alive and well.

You replace that memory with the old one and the trauma disappears. Your subconscious does not know the difference. It is not standing next to you noticing whether or not this situation really played out this way.

You feed your subconscious its meals. Feed it wisely.

We tell ourselves the same old story over and over again, keeping ourselves in depressing tales and we wonder why our lives never change for the better. Our thoughts create our realities. If all we think is melancholy, woe is me, the world is rubbish, nothing ever works out for me, there is no point to this, why should I bother, I have no plans so I have nothing to look forward to nonsense THAT IS ALL YOU ARE EVER GOING TO SEE.

Every negative thought you play on repeat is going to show up in your life. I cannot have xyz is going to be on your plate every single day.

It makes a lot more sense to think, I can have xyz so you can have something sweeter, no?

Play better music, hear better music.

When those negative thoughts run through your head, tell them off with a positive, opposing thought – negative thought: “Oh, I will never have what I want.” opposing thought: “Of course, I am going to have what I want, I am fucking amazing. I get whatever I want, whenever I want it.”

Your self-talk is so important. You would never let anyone talk shit to your best friend without knocking their teeth out. Why do you talk to yourself like you are garbage? You are a celestial being – I am not making this up. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, yeah? If you can possibly learn from my mistakes (and I know that is not something that we do very well), this is the one you should pick up – people treat you the way you show them how to. Even if they have always treated the people around them with respect if they see that you treat yourself horribly, they will too. Why? People are just lazy and will but the minimal amount of effort into everything. It is really just that simple. If they see that you are a high-quality person and they want to be in your life, they will put all of the efforts they have into you, all of the time.

I mean, saying that makes sense in a way that should not even be said out loud but I really had no idea. I give every tiny piece of myself to every person I know. Then I become quantity over quality, ya dig?

Choose your thoughts wisely.

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go upstairs

all I have been doing is eating the past few days. I wake up in the morning and I swear, the first thing I am thinking about is food – which if you know me at all, you know this is plain strange. so, if no one else is up, I see no reason to get up but I am so hungry I am considering eating the feathers in my pillow. I am thinking of steel-cut oats with peanut butter (my current obsession) or sourdough blueberry pancakes or sesame toast with cinnamon and a massive mug of cherry tea… and this is at like 5am. I do not usually eat before noon and when I do it is grudgingly.

When I do finally eat, it is with gusto. I am tasting every single flavour. Did I put amaretto in my oats? Was the sourdough sorghum or buckwheat? Did I opt for cheese and jam instead of cinnamon on my toast? Which cheese, the gouda from the stall in town or the new one that I have been coveting from rema? Which jam, cherry, strawberry or black current? Each option is so exciting that sometimes I am overwhelmed to the point that I am no longer hungry by the time I have decided so I just have tea.

Something has shifted in me. I cannot quite explain it.

I started sleeping for some hours in a row last week as well. I have pleasant dreams that are warm and when I wake up, I feel satisfied. And hungry.

Like my lack of appetite and insomnia was related and now I am free of it.

I have been unburdened.

I believe, to some extent, that I chose the body that I live in now. That I decided to be born to my mother knowing the family I would have. There were lessons I needed to learn in this life. There were experiences I needed to live through in order to evolve my spirit/soul what have you. Nothing is happening to me that I did not want to experience.

I “woke” up to this thought and understood. I am not meant to suffer, I am meant to have a human experience. I am meant to go through all of these things to awaken my true self.

I am meant to remember who I am really am.

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dream a little dream of me

That is it, you know. It is all how you think. You think you cannot have, be, learn, do something then you really cannot. “Oh, I am so tired/depressed/unloveable/lazy/unhappy/unmotivated/ill/whatever state” you pick to keep you in the same damn deep dank lonely hole. You peer up and think that you want to crawl out but, gosh, it is just so hard. Girl, I hear you but listen to me, tell yourself that you are the opposite of what you are for just a little while, okay? Say you are rested! Say you are ready for a great day! Say it every single time you think you are tired. Say it for a few days and I swear to you things will change.

You talked yourself into the state you are in now, you can talk yourself out of the one you are in. I promise.

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the right way to write (?)

I have been having a discussion about why some things seem to be really easy to show up in our lives and some things we need to fight tooth & nail for. I have a theory that it is our state and our attachment to those things – if it does not really mean that much to us in the first place, say “oh, I am going to send so & so a message” but then they message you later that day instead, you clearly did not have much of an attachment to the outcome of that situation. Easy peasy. But if you are struggling with a situation and cannot make heads or tails of it and have had sleepless nights OR are so excited about it and cannot wait for it to show up, it is going to take longer for it to come into your existence. It is like watching a pot of boiling water. I swear if you walk away from it for just a second, it starts up like woah.

Let it go.

No, do not forget about it. That is not the point. You need to sort your shit out. You want what you want. Just step back a second and catch your breath. You are strangling your desires.

Let me repeat what I just said, you are not setting it and forgetting it. You are just taking a second and maybe watching a series, yeah? Calling a friend and listening to them whine about something in their lives. Maybe going for a hike and not affirming a zillion times for your shit. Maybe… take a nap without your headphones in with a goddess meditation. Just. Chill. Out.

The solution to your problems will come when you least expect it.
Your desires are already yours.

You can live your life and be happy.

Remember, Neville, said, “I do not lift a finger to make it true.”

This community is full of techniques and alarms and gurus and payment plans and still, everyone is chasing something that is already installed in us all:

Your imagination.

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eight-thirteen/30 & the rise of Melinda X

8: Key Insight: Your past is flexible. Your view and “memory” of your past is always based on your perspective of the present. You can change the meaning of the past. When you make your past into a positive narrative, then you’re free from it. 


How has your view of your past changed over time?

I understand that I can “rewrite” my past to suit what I need from it. I am not a victim.

-What negative episodes or memories from your past could be reframed?

I am doing what I can to reframe my relationship with my mother.

DAY 9:

Key Insight: You get to choose the meaning of every experience that happens in your life. Either you view an experience as, “This happened for me,” or “This happened to me.” If you view it as “for me,” then you can become better. If you view it as “to me,” then you’ll become bitter. 
Reframe every experience in your life as, “This happened for me.”

This is not as easy as it sounds. Imagine having a truck come by and splash you with cold water from a puddle and say, “Oh, this happened for me!” To what? Go home and change your clothes? Did someone else in the office wear the same outfit? Did you dress like a skank that day? Maybe you would miss a mass shooting by a few minutes. I do not know about this as a mantra.

-Moving forward, whenever you face hardship, immediately frame it as, “This is happening for me.”

I can see this working for a cynic, but I am mostly optimistic so…

DAY 10:

Key Insight: You can imagine and speak with your future self to get the clarity and confidence you need to move forward. You can also consult your imaginary future self to heal your former self. 


Take the time to have an imaginary meeting with your future self.
-What would you ask them?
-How would you feel in their presence?

Future Melinda: “Hey.”
Me: “Uh… hi?”
Future Melinda (from here on out will be called Melinda X): “How are things?”
Me: “Are you… me?”
Melinda X: “No, you are me.”
Me: “How is that different?”
Melinda X: “It just is.”
Me: “How?”
Melinda X: *shrugs*
Me: “Is Trump going to be reelected?”
Melinda X: “Ugh, girl, you know I cannot tell you what is going to happen in the future.”
Me: “What is the point of talking to my future self if I cannot know what happens in the future?”
Melinda X: “Ask about your future, girl.”
Me: “Right. Will I ever get laid again?”
Melinda X: “Reply hazy, try again.”
Me: “You really are me!”
Melinda X: “No, you are me.”
Me: “Same thing.”
Melinda X: “Not even close.”
Me: “Ugh, we are even wearing the same pants.”
Melinda X: “That is because you are a copy cat.”
Me: “No, I had them first.”
Melinda X: *glares*
Me: *mwhahahahahahahahahaha*


DAY 11:

Key Insight: In order to truly become your desired future self, you’ll need to remove contradictions and addictions. As soon as you remove your Achilles’ Heel, your view of your future self will expand dramatically.

What is your Achilles’ Heel?

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you will join us
And the world will be as one

-What would your future self be like if you removed that Achilles’ Heel forever?


Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too

-Are you ready to cross your point of no return on this matter?


Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man


DAY 12:

Key Insight: Your identity is the story you tell about your past, present, and future. It’s time to go public with the refreshed and reframed version of your past. It’s also time to be extremely honest and transparent about your desired future self. 

-In the next 24 hours, tell 3 people about your future self.

I am telling all of you that I am Melinda X.


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Disclaimer: Benjamin Hardy is the guy that is doing this 30-day future self program. Asia recommended him to me because she thought his personality over-ride would help my autistic tendencies (the personality is not permanent bit). I agree with some of what he has to say but UGH him plugging his book every few minutes is annoying as shit. YES, I get that you have a goal, dude, but it is hard to hear what you are teaching through your advertising.  I have made it to day seven and I dread clicking the video because I know the first thing he is going to do is flash his yellow book (which has conflicting reviews). If he really wanted us to get anything out of his lessons, he would leave a link to his paid stuff and leave it at that. Yeah, I understand this is free so he needs to plug plug plug… And his obsession with Elon Musk makes me want to gag. Musk is a monster. Find someone else, yeah?

Key Insight: Commitment is reflected in the results you’re getting. If you’re serious about becoming your desired future self, it’s time to pass your point of no return. It’s time to remove alternative “lesser” goals. Commitment precedes courage, and it takes courage to become your future self. Are you ready to commit?


Are you ready to pass your point of no return?

Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Today I am in bed ill.

-What must you do to initiate that point of no return?

I should decide what is more important, love or success.

-Are you serious about becoming your future self?

Sometimes. I mean, do I have a choice? Every second I become my future self. Right now I am ten seconds more my future than I was ten seconds ago! Sometimes these questions are just to stretch the course out, methinks.

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Key Insight: If you want extreme flow and motivation, you need to identify and commit to a single “Keystone Goal.” One goal is how you change your life because one goal gives you a clear path to your future. If you have too many goals, you will have too many competing paths, which is another word for decision fatigue. The true decision means you’ve cut-off alternative paths. This is how you create motivation and success.

What is your Keystone Goal? What’s the one outcome that, if it were real, would allow you to do everything else you want to do?

I understand that this probably does not sound like a lot to you but I have relied on someone for my entire life. Being 100% independent is my goal. I might want to share my life with someone else but that would be my CHOICE – I do not have to do it. That person would amplify my life, I would not need them to survive (or them needing me).

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Key Insight: Your future self is something you must design and become. That is your responsibility. Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Will you take the time to imagine your future self, and use your imagined future self as the basis for your identity and behaviour? You can…

Pull out your journal and answer: Who is your future self 3 years from now?

Three years… that does not seem like very much time! I would guess that I will be working more, hopefully not reading cards anymore. I am in a stable relationship and I have finished my librarian studies.
-What is the “normal” life of your future self?

tea, writing, kids off to school, yoga, shower, work, home, dinner, reading, writing, camping/hiking, more of this and this but with another human to share these things with.

-What matters to your future self?

not burning or snuffing out – finding a comfortable balance while finding a good place to bloom.

-Why do you want to become this person?

it is better to grow in small steps than try to sprout up too big and not know how close the roof is to your head.

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