Troll feeding

I feed trolls. I did not know this was a thing until I found myself completely defeated day in and day out. I truly thought I was helping just to understand that people are there to start arguments for fun.

White saviours are my Achilles heel. How can a white person tell me how bad it is for a POC? 🤦🏽‍♀️ They know it all except how to listen, learn, and to step back and understand that this is not about them.

I know, everything up until now has been. But please, take a seat. This civil rights issue is not about you. We can talk about black people without talking about natives, trans people, or other minority groups. It is perfectly OKAY for you to see that there is no connection except that we are minority groups. We can deal with one issue at a time. Really, issues are dealt with better that way. I mean, if you are cooking dinner you could wash the dishes, garden & do your taxes but maybe your dinner would have the best chance of not getting burnt if you just cooked?

As I try to explain this to dozens of people a day, my faith dwindles. No one seems to care. They will say the same shit over and over. They are sure that black people can have what ever it is that they need but ONLY IF the other groups have their shit FIRST/TOO. Black people cannot be entitled to anything unless it is tacked onto something white people have as well.

Understand this 100%: if black people are given anything that white people do not have, they stole it, it is welfare and know that white people will take it back with interest in black people’s blood.

The system is not broken; it was just never designed to let black people off their knees.

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nb: this is probably not about you

twice today I had someone get sore about something they read here. this is my fault, so let me apologise & make something VERY CRYSTAL — unless your name is stated, I am not talking about you. I might use something you said to start a conversation (and sometimes it is an important one to start, so thank you for bringing it up!) but I do the best I can to conceal your involvement. If I wanted your identity to be public, ie, if I am feeling the need to have a nattering with you as my subject YOUR NAME WILL BE VISIBLE. K?

And now with that said, can everyone stop looking for themselves in my words, please? If you would like for me to write something about you, just ask? I love to write about the people I care about!

but I am not 12, I do not attempt a tête-à-tête at the expense of others. I thought you guys knew me better than that.

I get it, though. We are all sensitive and I am wordy and none of us spends enough time drinking & spilling tea while eating cake in my living room like we used to.

I miss you guys like woah.

p.s. dear proxy user,
I think it is lame that you feel the need to read my words with a mask on. I know who you are, it is silly that you are being such a butt.
Umbrella Academy Mask

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subtle alterations

This might be an unpopular opinion (uh-oh) but I do not see the big deal with needing to be “different”.

An EXTRAORDINARY person does things that surprise you. They take on roles that others do not. They are hypervigilant — this could be positive OR negative, of course. We always think of the extraordinary with glitter and rainbows but megalomaniacs are in this category as well.

You do not need to be grand to be important. You just have to be good and honest and present. Everything else can be worked with. Stop trying so damn hard to stand out in the crowd – either you do or you do not. Be confident. Be happy.

Stop caring so damn much what other people think. I promise you, no one cares what you are doing – they are so wrapped up in what they think you think about them. We live in a world of narcissists with their noses pointed at their mobile screens – girl, I guarantee, they are not looking at you.





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Saviour vs Ally

I see you, Karens, posting your blackouts on Instagram but still driving your Teslas and shopping at Target. I see you posting your selfies with filters at protests but not blurring out the people around you. During the nonsense of your blackouts tagged #blacklivesmatter you drowned out all of the people of colour that actually had something to say – art and poems and pain to post – while you had blocks of blackness to display.

You trendy assholes.

Do you want to help or hinder the process?

Do you want to help and be an ally? First, stop buying shit made by slaves. Capitalism thrives on slavery.



If you live in the US, there are local chapters of the NAACP. Get involved with them. This list is just the beginning.

If you are just posting a black square to be trendy, you are a damn saviour, Karen, and you can go and fuck yourself. We do not need your help. You are part of the problem.

And yes that filter makes you look like a shallow bitch.

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There is the historical fact that most liberal policies pay for themselves after an introductory adjustment period. SNAP, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid all contribute to the health of the general US economy in a big way and are worth the money spent (not that Social Security & Medicare cost the government anything.) They do not make wealthy people any richer, though, SEE WHY RICH PEOPLE HATE BERNIE BUT LOVE BLOOMBERG


McCain described Sanders as promoting the “complete paradigm shift of the American system as we know it.”

She says that like a paradigm shift is per se a bad thing.

Ending slavery was a “complete paradigm shift of the American system as we know it.”

Ending Jim Crow was a “complete paradigm shift of the American system as we know it.” 

Extending the franchise beyond white males was a “complete paradigm shift of the American system as we know it.” 

Women entering the workforce en masse was a “complete paradigm shift of the American system as we know it.” 

The #MeToo movement was a “complete paradigm shift of the American system as we know it.”

Change is (often) good, Meghan. That is why we call it progress.

My head hurts.


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Pete Buttigieg does not want to change anything. He just wants to BE something.

I started the draft of this post (which was to be quite short), a few days ago. Then I fell into this thread.

Nothing else that I have to say matters. I was going to complain that he was a liar and note how he flipped flopped on Medicaid For All & his plans to make the Supreme Court in the likeness of Trumplandia (or at least keeping it Republican as shit). Or how he tore down the houses of blacks & browns for gentrification and none of the people had anywhere else to go. And how he got called out for being ignorant of the daily lives of being black by one of the writers at The Root. But that first link? None of this other stuff matters.

He is a racist POS and does not deserve anyone’s attention. He would be no better for the country than the cheetos in the white house right now.

Fix your own back yard, Pete. Black Lives Matter. Fuck you and your stupid apology.




forgive me

I knew a woman once that did not know how to love her boyfriend. Her way of showing how she felt about him was keeping a tidy house full of stuff that had no meaning but plenty of monetary value. She made sure other people saw her house and them in it so happiness looked a certain way. I remember judging her for it (and not silently either) because that is not what love looks like.

How dare I tell someone else what love is?

I know now, of course, that I judged her because of my reflection on the situation. I could not understand how she felt and would not do what she did so how on earth could she do what she was doing? And I thought he deserved better and blah blah blah. Never considering that what she was doing was the best she could do. That she loved him from the very bottom of her heart. That the creation of her living space showed him how much she adored him and the life they had away from the chaos that is outside their door. Their home is their sanctuary.

When she got angry at me, the first thing she did was to pick apart what my rental looked like. I thought she was just being a bitch (I had no control over the colours of the walls, I did not own that house) and with nothing else to fling at me, she went after something she felt that she did “better” than I did.

I was not paying attention. I was so wrapped up in my own emotions and thinking that someone I cared for was being neglected that I did not see what was right in front of my face.

I have been apologising to the wrong person.


All along she has been the bad guy in this story. I did not blame her for her reactions, I just blamed her for not loving him. He would have never come to me if she did, I said to myself.

What if she did love him and he came to me anyway? Who becomes the bad guy then?


Scrapbooking, the extreme sports version

I have always been a safe person for others to dump their issues on. I am kind and very few think to check their shit out at my door. But when revisited later, I am surprised to find out that some of those wounds still sting.

Even when I do nothing to warrant the abuse, I bow my head and take the blows but they will scream and say they are the victim. It makes no sense to me but what can I do but say that I hear their words, understand and love them. Their perception is all that matters to them. And that is fine. They will never look at the damage they do because who cares about me? I am just the one they take from. I am a giver, I ask for nothing and that is often what I get.

It is my own fault and I know it.

I have changed over the years. I do better for myself. I do not let people get that close. I do not offer myself the way I once did. I know people are not what they appear. I know that even nice people do not have the same heart as I do. We all communicate differently. We are not the same even though it is quaint to say we are.

I walk away a lot easier now that I did in the past. I do not linger and try to fix things the way I once did. It is not that I see less of a value in others – I see more of a value in myself.

We are all on our paths – our own individual journeys. We are not all going to get along or enjoy each other’s companies. That is to be expected – but it should also be expected to respect the wildlife as you come across it. Do not litter, replace the branches you move as you walk by and do not be a fucking dick. If you have an issue, be an adult and say something or keep your mouth shut.

People that cannot follow these simple rules should be sent to the Mars colony.

You can chase it home straight from school

My intuition was correct yet again. I am so pleased I stuck to my guns and ignored that one. I hate it that it was right but at the same time, yay?

I made a post some weeks ago (that I have now deleted) that paired me up in an astrological sense with someone I went out with that I did not really have much in common with. He got weird with me because I was ill and did not text with him while I was not feeling well.

Weeks went by & suddenly I get a message in my unknown sender’s list (I had removed him from my contacts, it had been a while since we spoke and it was awkward when we did. I thought it was best we did not talk again) asking me for half of the taxi fare from when we went out one night.

I laughed.

I sent it to him and blocked his number. I said nothing, just did as he wished and left it alone. I had already removed him from everywhere we were we connected… it felt so odd that he did that.


I was not feeling it but he seemed nice enough and is there ever enough nice in your life? I was clearly wrong about the nice as well because who the hell does that? “Hi, I was doing my finances of the past weeks and noticed that I spent money I probably should not have, could you help me square this up?”

Yeah, I can. I almost feel like I should send him the rest of the fare. Like clearly he really needed it. Poor dear. /:

Or he was being a jerk. Fuck. Now I cannot tell. I have to ask a friend.

Friend says it sounds like he was being sour because he did not pick up that I was sick (even though he knew I was, I told him) and he thought I was dissing him.

And people wonder why they are single.

“Melinda? Do you wonder why you are single?”
“Nope, I know damn well why I am single. I am not settling for anyone’s bullshit. I am a lot but I do not see that as a hindrance, I also give a whole lot. Anyone that thinks I am too much obviously is not enough for me.”


Cup of kindness

This time of year I give 50% of what I spend to charity.

20% of that, I give to a friend that is struggling.

The last few years, it has been the same friend. I have paid late bills for her, I have bought her gift cards & I have gotten her shoes.

She hardly thanks me. Mostly I do not mind because I know I am helping her & I would like to think if the roles were reversed, she would do the same for me.

Then I noticed that she gives huge shout outs to people that sent her gifts on Facebook.

She has never done this for me.

I realise that the person she did this for is a man and that is flirting – but still. It made me wonder where her loyalties are.

The charities I give to I know I am helping save the republic or reproductive rights.

I will not give to friends this year. I will give to charities and stay off of social media. It is not how I prefer it, but it seems like the best way to go about it. I should not expected to do these things. I give because I care. I give because I want to help.

I do not want fanfare for it.

But fuck, if you can thank one person, you should remember the sturdy friend that has always been there for you.

Yes, this is a reoccurring theme. No, I do not plan on bringing it into the new year.

No more fair-weather friends.

edited: and I naturally forgot one of my commitments to myself – not to take what other’s do personally. It reflects on them, not me. If I give my love out freely & it is used for a purpose I did not intend, I know I gave it with all of my heart & it’s misuse is on them.

Not taking being treated poorly personally is hard.

You see it so clearly on social media. You can see your value to someone there in real time. Do you get birthday/holiday greetings on your wall or theirs (or neither)? Do they only speak to you when they are lonely? Do you feel like you could do the same?

I have noticed with the person I walked away from that not only do I have ZERO presence on their social media but I have sent him at least a dozen gifts over the years.

I cared for him so each item was a tiny piece of my heart.

When I talk to people about him, I am reassured that most women have someone like him in their past – they just let go of them years previously.

…we know how well I do that.

It is better now that I can see with my own eyes where I fit in his life. He plasters his loved ones all over his e-life.

I am not one of those people.

The friend I have been tending to with breadcrumbs of charity is not looking for my help either. She wants a soul-mate that she can post pictures of and who can blame her? When we seek validation via the interwebz, what I give is beans & peas.

It is love that is true and lasting.

Oh dear hearts, I will remember that it is you, not me but it is not in my nature to stay in my lane & not love too much.

This is a nasty side-effect of my behaviour & you would think I would be more gracious at taking bucketfuls of my medicine.


(good thing what a mess each conversation would be:

“What can I do to help?”

“No, how can I help you”

“I should suss things out for you, yeah?”

“No, girl, I got you.”

“Nah, I have more experience-”

“You have a greater need-”

“I have more time!”

“I have better resources!”



Alright, I am done talking to myself now.