Wed. May 18th, 2022

In group therapy, we were talking about the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial. I have mostly ignored it because, in my opinion, this has nothing to do with anyone besides the two of them. As everyone rattled on about it I realised one interesting fact: if Amber had not stood up for herself, none of this would be happening.

She opted to tell her story publicly. She put her chin up and said, “I have been abused, this is my story.” Her ex did not like this, and even though he had been losing work for years, blamed her for his demise and attacked her.

I spent a moment in this thought. I understood Amber’s situation all too well. I had not meant to unravel a tale of deceit that would wind up with my mistreatment, but I did. The harm done to the person is in his head, but the end result was not much different because what you imagine will happen tends to.

I was writing to help myself understand what was happening. At any point in time, I could have been told what was up and I would have stopped. She was a public figure with a career to build on the back of a broken, drug-addicted human.

The similarities end there.

But the way the public picks sides is the same amount of gross. You do not know what is going on in someone’s life. We have no idea how much people are suffering. Judging someone based on the persona they are wearing to get through the day is unfair.

To say Eirik is a bad person for how he has treated me is lazy. He has certainly made illogical choices. He is not a bad person for systemic poor choices. I did not remove his presence from my website because he asked me to or because I am remorseful of his part of my life. I would like to think that at some point he will get his shit together and do better. One google search and someone will find out all of his grisly bits and he should be the one to tell them. I believe in him. I know one day he will realise how decent he is and put the work into himself so when someone loves him, he will love himself enough to know it is not a personal attack. He will feel safe and will not need to run away.

I hope that much for him. Life is not living without love.

And when he does, he will forgive himself for the mistakes he has made. He will be able to see himself as the truly amazing human that I once did.

He was not hard to love, I can promise you that.

But when all you have is secrets and hurt and guilt to store you have no room for anything nice. Anger and contrite behaviour are thrown at you like daggers.

I have far too much ebullience that glitters from my being to let any of this weigh me down. I have paid my 50 kilos of flesh.

I forgive. On this almost mild day in May, I absolve myself, and you, the ones that tried to blind me with the love I wanted so badly but you only saw the negatives and you, Sugar, ah. Farming for that Cheesing eating Panda. I excuse you for abandoning me when I needed no one but you by my side. In the loneliest months of my entire life. When I had to keep the biggest secret because of you ( no due to our paws not staying in our laps ) and you never even thanked me or acknowledged the weight I lifted off of your life. You just let me at it because it was not a big deal because it did not happen directly to you.

baby mamas = stalkers, right?