Wed. May 18th, 2022

The shamelessness that a person can convince themselves to live in just to punish someone else unfairly is mind-boggling. You can lie to yourself about yourself but to make up a story about another person and try to persuade that person that they did these things irl is more than dubious.

I wonder what that feels like. To have your perfectly constructed delusion pulled apart and you have no way to defend it.

I feel wistful for this person.

Now a confused, tangle of Weltschmerz & “I told you so’s” linger around.

Was I wrong? Did I defend someone that was candidly debitage?

No. I do not believe so. Even with everything I am being shown.

Why are people so… strange? Why can they not just do good because they are good or bad because they are bad?

Ugh. I know it is not that simple. Even I have done shitty things and I am not a shitty person. I just make mistakes.

Like everyone else. Imagine if you got judged for every mistake you made. If you were never allowed to change. You would always be the same small person with the same thoughts that never get to evolve.

I just feel awful about things turned out. I do not enjoy how I became one more person’s scapegoat HOWEVER I did bring some of this on my lap. NOT 100% OF THIS NO MY GOSH. To say how much would not be fair. I think I have paid my fair share 3-5x over.

Even if it was 100%.

The lesson I have learned here:

I am being gentle to myself. I have been through an ordeal I would never wish upon anyone. The days will collect behind me and I will stand a bit straighter and my hope will return.

I know I did the right thing. My heart is sore. My body is mangled. But I know what I am doing is sound.

I know what I want and I will get it. I will look back at all of this and understand it was necessary to get me to the next part of my story.

What comes next, will be amazing.