Tue. May 17th, 2022

tl;dr: Eirik might have done me dirty, but I think I started it.
Friends should support you, not bully you into submission.
Lies are unnecessary when you trust yourself first and foremost.*

 

When Will died, most of my friends left my side. They did not know how to handle my silence. No one in our friends’ group had died before.

Suicide was something that we hash-tagged and talked about as a mental health issue. It was not something that any of them had dealt with before.

I had, but not someone that close.

The people that came to stepped into my life-long friends’ places were the women that helped me cultivate my craft, the people that I sent messages to in the middle of the night when I had weird dreams that repeated over weeks or when I had strange things happen that I could not explain.

And the women that helped me get Will back that time he was not supposed to come home.

They took me under their wings and cared for me when I was left alone by those that did not want to be touched by the darkness of grief.

They sent me funny memes and knitting patterns. I was invited to their homes all around the world. They showed me their lives and how they loved, laughed and what they too had lost.

I was taught about my ancestry and how people treated those that were like me. I grew confident. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged somewhere.

They told me of a man that I would meet in a few years that would help me grow into the person I needed to be to learn how to love myself.

It sounded beautiful.

I was given warnings. He was not going to be easy or sweet like me. He was difficult and very broken. With time he would improve but for a long time, this pairing would be trying.

I decided I would avoid dating.

And I did. I thought if I did not get close to anyone, I could skip this person and their premonition.

Enter January 2020.

I did not even put Eirik in this role. He was darling, attentive and smart. It never dawned on me that he would be this man they told me about.

I am in therapy twice a week, plus numerous clinical guidebooks & podcasts screwing my head back on from this experience.

Trauma is unfair. You have no idea how much of it you have suffered from until you are trying to get close to someone and cannot. When they are telling you that they want you and all you can do is hide under your blankets and hear how much they hate you.

And if they have their own trauma, they cannot possibly hold you and understand that you just need some reassurance. You trigger stress in them and they hide in response.

There is never any honesty. There is never any trust… forget about true intimacy or connection.

Maybe fondness pops up here or there because you may be very compatible under all of those wounds.

Try to sit down and tell a friend about this and they only hear how rotten he is treating you (and they think he is unattractive and not as “cool” as you so why are you bothering anyway? You can do better! Not listening to how he makes your heart sing, no but let us focus on the superficial) so they spin narratives.

Of course, he is using you. Of course, he will abandon you.

It makes sense.

Everyone does, eventually.

You ask him for encouragement. Something is off. Is it what your friends are saying or is it actually something he is doing?

You ask the coven.

They tell you to leave it alone. The timing is wrong, they tell you. Give it a few months. It will settle down.

You know you are being lied to. But is it about you? It is hard to tell.

He knows you have been cheated on. He knows about Will.

Why would he keep something from you?

But he is.

You shut him off. Nothing he says matters anyway. He is a planet away in mind and body. You walk away.

He pulls you back.

Why?

He does not seem like the kind of person to string you along.

Your heart tells you something is not right.

Life continues. Many months go by and stability grows for you. You see him very little and when you do, the time is well spent.

He just refused to let you close or let you go.

He only let you go once he got you pregnant. Then you were no good to him anymore.

You defended him, over and over again… but who was right? Your friends that said he used you (“See? Told you so!”). You insist this is not accurately explaining everything going on behind the scenes.

If it is, then he is a great actor because he pretended to be a very lovely person for nearly two years.

And I do not buy it.

Ultimately, I did learn to love myself. I understand the patterns my systemic neglect as a child created for my adult life. I desire to love and connect greatly but I am terrified of it. People that also have trouble expressing their emotions tend to gravitate toward me (or me to them). “Well-adjusted” people I tend to find boring. They can love me easy-peasy with no combination locks or puzzle pieces that I have to dig in long-lost sofa cushions in donation halls to put together. I know I will disappoint them when I cannot return that sentiment.

Having the ability to love myself gives me hope that I will not seek those that do not have my best intentions in mind. I will not look for lonely people because they will not expect too much out of me.

I have always known that I was amazing – sort of. I knew I could do amazing things. I just did not get how great I was until recently.

Yeah, this last chapter of my story has been bleak, guys. I wish I could have gotten to where I am without it being written.

I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was in love. I honestly believed he cared about me and wanted to be in my future.

How this turned out to be as ugly as it is, I have no idea. I know this for a fact though: no one can be this cold-hearted and be okay with themselves.

He found a weird place to be angry at me for putting his name on the internet with his picture. He spun it out of control and that is his justification for treating me the way he did.

Okay, I will take it. I was out of line. I did not think about it. I just wish he would have asked me to take it down. It was more than a year later that he complained about it. If he had said, “that post makes me uncomfortable, can you take it down?” I would have, straight away. Do you know why he did not?

He would have needed to talk to me about the issue at hand. 1.) why I was upset and needed to write (he was not talking to me but reading my blog) 2.) why he was lying to me about things that did not matter. He thought I was so shallow that I cared about much formal education he had. That hurt.

Sure, people embellish themselves but to get angry at me for posting things that were already available online seemed silly.

*sigh*

Why am I writing all of this out now?

I am leaving on Wednesday to do the hardest thing I have ever needed to. If something does go wrong (and it has before), I want the air to be cleared:

Eirik, I am sorry.

I am sorry I did not listen. I am sorry I was so wrapped up in my own neediness that I did not notice what you were able to give. I wish you had been honest with me about who you were and how much you were dealing with from the start. I did not know.

I am sorry for the drama I caused when I got frustrated. It was never my intention. I was trying to get heard when I was being ignored.

I deserved better than this. I am not a bad person, I would have never done this to you.

Yet, I cannot manage to think anything horribly of you. I still wish for your joy and happiness. I do not know why you opted to bail on me when I needed you the most because it does not fit with the picture I have of you in my head. You are kind, silly and sweet. You send cat gifs and talk about how to make the world a gentler place.

This is the only version of you that will accept my thoughts from this moment forward.

The next week is going to be a lot, dear hearts. I apologise for any grammar issue here – I am on the move, blogging on my mobile and this was emotionally taxing.

I love you all so much. I hope you know that.

*We think that we lie because we do not trust others. I am finding that this is mostly untrue. We tend to lie because we do not trust ourselves enough to be authentic. If I lie and tell you that you look good in a said outfit, I am saying so to save face. I am afraid that you will be unhappy with me because I gave you my honest opinion (you know I will not do this, of course. I will tell you that it is a nice choice but maybe not for you).

Just as someone will be dishonest about how many people they have slept with, whether they loved someone or not, how their relationship ended, or any combination of odd things to make them look like either a very popular person or a victim (or a mix up of the two). What people do not quite understand is that all of these things can be verified. Mostly, no one cares. Sleep with 397 people… or just three. Why do you think anyone gives a rat’s ass? Only you do. Does it matter if you loved someone when you slept with them but did not commit to them? The only people that need to know the details of these things are you and that person.

One major lesson I have learned from this episode is that if and when I decide to get involved with anyone again, I am holding all of my cards to my damn chest AND TIGHTLY GIRL WOAH. Unless we are getting married, no one is going to know anything. And even then maybe I will say something about having cake. Judgement is only a tarot card in my life right now.

This was so exhausting.

And I am fairly sure everyone was wrong.