Wed. May 18th, 2022

“Tell me about a time in your life that you felt safe.”

Me: “…”

(Fidgets in chair, looks around the rooms nervously, and then finally sighs)

“Can you define the word for me please?”

She frowned. “Secure? In a space where no one will harm you?”

I smiled, “oh that is easy,” I said. “Never.”

Safe

adjective

protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.

 

Fact: you cannot control how others react to you. If you do xyz and they get angry or if they are happy, know that it really has nothing to do with what you did.

We have this odd idea that it is an equal action/reaction. It really cannot be. We are not showing up with the same ideals, morals, upbringings, traumas, cultures, experiences, etc.

If I gave you a gift on your birthday, it is because I come from a culture that says this is what you do for someone you care for.

It is a thoughtful gesture that says, “today is the day you were brought into this world and you are special to me – let us celebrate you.”

This is not how all people are. Some people think it is a waste of time to give gifts. Some religions forbid it completely. Others have been adopted so the topic is painful for them.

You do not know why people react towards you at any given moment.

To take anyone personally is rather pointless until you know them, deeply.

When you disconnect from others and isolate yourself, not only do you never give others the chance to know you, the possibility that you will discover yourself is mighty slim as well.

Your security prospects are negligible.

Blame every single person that you want for your demise, but you know you are the reason why you are in this sty.

You.

You pushed everyone away. You decided it was best to weave a delicate lace shawl of deceit to cover up the bullshit “life” you have been living and when you were called out on it, you pointed binary skeleton fingers at everyone besides yourself.

Even when the mirror showed you who you were, you closed your eyes tighter and that anger raged over you because who was going to stop you?

You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. You get to a place in a conversation and shut it down and you assume it is because you have superior knowledge – yet you are perplexed at why that person (or people) is (are) staring at you like you are an asshole.

If you were to look back at these conversations in an honest capacity, you would see that you did not trump them in intellect – you lacked the social ability to say that you were done with the subject at hand so you were crass or rude and acted condescending to get an imaginary point across (the textbook “know-it-all”).

Or that you did not understand what was being said so instead of saying, “I do not get it,” you opted to patronise the other person/people involved. Making yourself the victim is a cosy seat to sit in but it is a lonely one as well.

You can admit that you have done something wrong but it is always someone else’s fault, right? Maybe you could have done this or that in a neater fashion but, of course, it was more their doing than yours.

Right?

You are not truly sure, are you? What actions you have taken that led you to this place in your life?

THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN

Leave out the sob story, sis. Maybe someone did you dirty but how did you react?

Remember, you can always walk away. You do not need to engage in petty games, arguments or drama.

So, what was it?
I lied.

It was the biggest lie I have ever told. Nothing like the, “Yeah, I love you too” or “I think I would like that” kind of lies I did not realise were not truths until later.

When I finally moved out of state custody, I met people that I called friends. I was hardly old enough to drive a car. They seemed to like me. I got a lot of attention. It was new to me. I started to rave and party a lot instead of going to class. Imagine for a second what this was like for me – I went from living at home with 1% attention (and that was 100% negative) to living in a group home with strict rules and constant chaos to living in a tiny one-room apartment with complete freedom.

I picked up more and more work so I would have money to pay to buy alcohol and food for my company. The more I had the more people that would be around. I was never alone.

I was still lonely, though.

I began to do poorly in school. I ignored it. I felt like I belonged somewhere.

My “look” meant something. I had to cultivate a “style”. I never gave much thought to it before.

I was told that I looked “hot” dressed goth after a dollar viewing of The Crow. I shrugged and said OK and it stuck.

I got told by one girl that I was a snob because of the way I spoke. I tried to talk differently. I talked about music instead of literature or philosophy. I tried to watch television to find other topics to fit in with.

I had a conversation with someone, one night after a fight with the mods (actual mods guys, nothing to do with websites) that I should stop hanging out with them, I obviously did not belong. He told me to go off and finish school and marry a doctor or something. He said if I stayed with them I would end up dying young as they would.

I was offended.

I tried harder. I drank more, I did more drugs. I stopped going to class altogether. I dated a complete shithead and let him take complete advantage of me.

Being part of something and not being alone again was more important to me than my free ride through school.

I gave it all up for people that only stayed around me because I did for them.

My “best” friend let me get raped while I was passed out on some guy’s sofa. She could have stopped him but she was angry at me because someone else she liked wanted me instead.
My boyfriend was arrested for robbing a restaurant. He is in federal prison because he transported the money across several state lines. He tried to smother me with a pillow while I was sleeping so he could take my paycheck for drugs.
My roommate’s mother was sending her part of the rent every month but she never paid me. She was spending her money on alcohol. When I kicked her out her mother called me screaming saying she paid me every month. What a surprise she had knowing that I was never paid.

I had a toddler, a job and school plus all of this rubbish to deal with.

I could write a list of all of the people that used me a week-long but I know with absolute clarity that I brought most of it upon myself.

You attract what you are not what you want.
If you are needy and desperate, you bring in people that will take from you.

Moral of this story: understand who you are first. Second, know what you want. Third, NEVER ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT. Fourth, love the heck out of yourself and your life.