Tue. May 17th, 2022

Have you ever had a moment in your life where everything freezes? Like, you are in the middle of doing something and everything just stops and you are watching it happen like normal and then it stops playing and nothing moves forward nor does it feel like you are breathing? If you were to think about it, you are not even sure if there is any air in that room you are sitting in? It is not a standstill, just complete preservation of that point in time?

And when time blinks and sighs nothing feels quite correct again? Like something came in and erased a piece of consciousness because there was a glitch or error in the syntax?

I sat and I spoke. I answered questions in the best and most honest way that I could. I felt heard and sympathy was given.

Yet, it was all wrong.

We all make mistakes. We all are guilty of something, love bugs. Think about how every situation in your life has played out, are you always squeaky clean? Are you consistently a Girl Scout?

I doubt it.

I said and did this because I want it to be known that even though I was not aware of the harm I caused, I might have handed the axe over for my head to be lopped off.

I do not care if you agree with me. You do not need to. There is no way that any interpersonal relationship falls apart at one person’s hands.

A three-dimensional structure: The x-axis and y-axis represent the first two dimensions; the z-axis, is the third dimension. In a graphic image, the x and y denote width and height; the z denotes depth.

So if x is what he did (due to factors that are neither here nor there), y is my jumping to conclusions, acting like a child & wanting to connect but not knowing how to/being fearful of it, z is the result.

All that is seen is x and z. Y is ignored completely. I have been doing what I can to 1.) take responsibility for y 2.) put x to rest and/or clean up the mess I made by putting so much of it on blast 3.) doing my best to take z and allow it to be seen (in a more positive light).

Whether either of us likes it or not, this is never going away. He may think that pretending as if I do not exist that it makes it so.

This is simply not the case. Eventually what has occurred will be known. Nothing stays secret forever.

It is true that I have taken the weight of this equation solely on my shoulders. There is not a lot I can do about that. I have faith that I will create more loving relationships in the future. I have understood that my inability to abandon those that do not honour or value me is a product of low self-esteem and self-concept.

This is not on them, it is on me. It is like, if I stay around long enough and prove how useful I am, they will need me. But the crux to that is once they need me, I get scared and start charting out my escape.

I was working on that this time around. I did not need the constant validation, something else was missing – I was being misled. I felt it, I was not imagining things.

We all have trauma. We all have a past. We need to decide what we can share and what people are worth sharing with.

When you build up a shield so defensive that every time someone gets close to it you need to block them out for weeks at a time, you may want to consider: 1.) therapy 2.) is it kind to keep this person in your life? 3.) maybe telling them what you are hiding before they find out (hint: they always will) 4.) being gentle enough with yourself to feel your feelings before they kill you.

Life is what you make of it – seriously. You can lock yourself up in your room and never do anything or you can work on yourself for a while and live it. Truly live the one life you have and mess it up and fix it again and laugh at what an idiot you are and try again.

It is foolish to think that you are ever going to be perfect. The idea is to figure out who you are (today at this moment) and love the heck out of yourself.

If you cannot, who else will?

I have spent so much time wondering why I could not make this person or that person happy.

It dawned on me one day why that person was not doing what they could to make ME happy?

Would it not make more sense for me to stop all of this nonsense and figure out what would bring me joy? I realised I had no idea.

If I had no idea what would make me happy HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE POSSIBLY DO IT?

Well, that was something to chew on.

I have been perpetuating the same dramatic loops with the same lacklustre results – realising no matter how said human would have dedicated themselves to me, none of them could have provided contentment for me because I lacked it within myself.

This is also why I cannot make decisions. And why I do not plan for a future. And why I do so much for others but never ask anyone to do anything for me.

I have desired for nothing.

When you know you have no worth, you have no reason to ask for anything. You do not deserve it. You take up space as it is.

This is why I did not ask for help with this current problem. I kept it to myself. I stayed off the radar as much as I could.

I have, once or twice, thought about texting Eirik to ask for guidance. I remembered the last conversation we had and I thought better of it.

As a safety procedure, I will inform a friend of what is to happen beforehand. Just in case. I trust that she will let the word out if things go sideways (and will say nothing if things are fine).

I do not want you, dear hearts, to read this and think that anything is wrong, however. Every story has an ending.

Some stories have sequels upon sequels.

This one just d r a g g e d on a bit.

The logline looked a bit like this: “A desperate to be understood woman met a paradoxically fragmented man and they both liked cats, cheese and being emotionally unavailable.”

Please do not be judgemental of those that are being selfish. Maybe they are just trying to restore themselves.

p.s. i love this tremendously – people are literally inventing love every day.

p.s.s. I do recommend that you scroll to the bottom of this page and sign up for the newsletter. I will be sending updates there instead of posting in the next weeks due to privacy issues. I will close off membership sign-ups on the 19th. I weeded out all of the obvious bots and now there is a captcha phrase because life is not annoying enough – but really, I do not pay that much attention unless your email is putininrussia or melindathisisyourmother… or MelindaPutinisYourFather oh god can you imagine.