Tue. May 17th, 2022

How do you navigate social cues? I do not understand how to “get” people in the slightest.

I mean, Isabel I can nearly taste how she feels sometimes. She clearly expresses herself. She tries to hide but she projects her expressions very well.

There are a few people that I know like this. Not as many as I wish, sadly.

Everyone else says one thing and does something very different. Or I cannot tell what they are doing by the way they are directing me.

Why can people not say what they mean?

I remember thinking that in order to make things work in my last relationship, I need to change for him to like me. Somehow I was not good enough. I always felt like he was looking for someone else – even though in the beginning he gave me plenty of attention, I never felt wanted… like he was waiting on someone else.

After we slept together, he stopped paying mind to me. I realised that all of the worrying I did proved me right. He was just using me so I could just walk away now.

Had I ever considered that perhaps it was my thought process that pushed him away from the start? Read what I wrote again. I always felt like he was looking for someone else – even though in the beginning he gave me plenty of attention, I never felt wanted enough. 

I settled into the knowing that I was never going to be what he wanted. I knew that every single time he kissed me, every single time he laughed with me, every time I saw his name light up on my mobile.

No matter what he said or did, I knew he did not want me.

And no surprise, he never said he did again. He went through the motions, but it was without feeling.

Understand why it is important to heal your trauma before you get involved with others. You are superimposing your negative beliefs onto them (never mind the trauma they have when they get to you! I mean, you have little to no idea what their life was like before they showed up in your DMs. They could be an autonomy survival style as far as you know and might not be able to get close to you… or anyone). Even if they are showing up in your life ready to be with you, to care for you, you already know how things are going to play out – your script says, “I am unloveable. People abandon me. I do not deserve to be cared for. Everyone lies and cheats.” So even if that person has never cheated on anyone before, they will cheat on you. If they have never broken up with anyone before, they will leave you.

I wanted to be there for people even when I do not like them anymore. I put up with abuse because I feel obligated to stand by them no matter what. Why?

Because no one has ever been there for me.

I do not think I ever left that island.

knitting tiny things for a tiny person.