Tue. May 17th, 2022

“First be really honest with yourself: what have you allowed in your life that you never wanted in the first place.”

I had this reoccurring knack. I would notice something that I did not like, I would either speak up and say, “no, this is not cool” and it would continue with no consequence or I would shrug it off until it was a full-grown cnidaria ready to consume an entire metropolis.

Over time I learned that my needs/wants were not important. Even when I voiced my desires, I was ignored.

Yeah… there will be no more of that now, kids.

The accustomed feeling of shrugging it off does not exist in me. I get disgusted when I am disregarded. I do not let my voice get made unheard. Who are you to make me small? Pfft. My needs are just as important as yours.

That, “we went out for coffee once, hey wanna fuck, yeah yeah I know nothing about you but you are just so hot” situation turned me off faster than anything else did. How could anyone be so clueless? Even if you did not know me well enough to know that I need A WHOLE LOT MORE to go to bed with you, how yucky is that?

Worse, I have been ignoring him since and he still sends me messages.

Anyway,
I was told that I had a warped perception of what I actually liked because I was modifying myself to keep other people appeased.

I paused for a moment.

Okay, probably true. I realised lately that I dressed very subdued (I know what you are going to say, “YOU DRESS WHAT?” but stay with me a minute. I had a few boyfriends that really hated the way I dressed. They went through my closet and mocked my all-black wardrobe and asked what I wore when it was not a club night. Or if I had to get “dressed up”. As the relationship picked up, they would compliment me as I changed into their ideal. Will liked it best when I wore jeans and hoodies. Paul liked long skirts and boots. Todd liked hippy shit. This is why my closet looks the way it does – I picked up what everyone else liked. My personal style was left behind once I became someone else’s girlfriend) so I feel like my adjourned state has resumed?

Many other aspects of my life have been retarded in this sense.

We naturally pick up attributes from people in our lives. I eat my pomegranate like a friend of mine from middle school. I hesitate in public spaces to let others pass me like my half-brother did because I found it to be so thoughtful when I was younger. I learned to hide my sims from a resident in one of the group homes I lived in as a teenager. I know so much about music from my boss at my first part-time job in high school.

The more people you come into contact with, the more possibilities you have to learn.

I had thought I could be attracted to people that were not book smart. I thought it was enough if they were just curious. I was wrong. There is a trait that comes along with those who love to learn – BUT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FORMAL EDUCATION OR THE COLLECTION OF DEGREES. Having a university tell you that you were focused/wealthy enough to get an award for writing papers is not the same as studying, travelling, absorbing information, positively need to know a bit of everything there is because life is gorgeous and you need to be part of it.

You can have a fancy degree and be boring as shit. You can finish school just to get a high paying job and never care about learning again. We are not the same.

Those that never want to know more, explore, devour the spaces around them, are going to find me to be exhausting.

Firstly, though, you need to want to know yourself. Who are you? KNOW THY SELF. I am on this journey to understand who I am, why I exist in the sphere of stardust, light, and sometimes dark, deep abyss that I scream in and no one hears me. If you are not a student of yourself, how can you learn aught but superficially?

Music – how dreadful is a human that knows nothing about music. I met someone once that said he only listened to the radio when he worked. Sure, I realise I can talk a blue streak about it and even the best I can talk circles around but if you do not love some genre, some sound, some taste of music… I will drive you right up a wall.

Let us talk about fandoms, yeah?

People have Netflix series that they sit and binge watch and never think about again. This is not me. I hate to sit still. If I am to sit for something, it is going to be worth it… and chances are good I have already watched it 300 times.

If it is based on a comic I have read, I might watch it. TNG? Yes. Voyager. Mmk. DS9. Sure. The Umbrella Academy? Yes, please. The X-Files, Ancient Aliens, The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits? Yes. Beyond this, maybe not. Sitting still is not my strong suit. These posts tend to take three or four goes for me to type out, both on my phone and on my laptop. I am listening to podcasts or music or an audiobook.

You know, Adhd.

TV is not my thing unless it is something I have seen already and I know what is going to happen. I take comfort in the characters & the storylines.

Books are not like this.

…I am bored now. I will attempt to write more later.

Edited: I found this when I was deleting some old posts (Apr 8, 2020 at 13:27)

This is an updated version of a post I made a few years ago when I started dating. Filling out a profile on a site with your oddly angled picture (smiling or not) is awkward and at best, cheesy (and not in a gouda or cheddar kind of way). After failing a few times, I decided to make a detailed list of what I want and do not want so I can just link people to it when necessary.

What I do not want:

days and days of silence. Hey, I do not need to talk to you every day. It is completely not necessary as long as I know where we stand. Are we a thing? Cool, we can talk whenever. I am confident in our quiet days – life is being lived and sometimes life is hectic. Are we still in the new days or are we having some issues? I would rather we kept up with each other on a regular basis because if not, I am going to assume something is off during the pause in communication and I am likely to over-think. Too much over-thinking and I am going to bolt.

the inability to talk about emotions. I do not feel a whole lot but when I do feel, my feelings are huge. They want to be heard and then they settle back down and the days continue on. Living life around people that smother their emotions makes me feel like I have to as well. I do not want to do this again, okay? Great.

dishonesty. You would think this one would be a given. Everyone lies, I know. Lying about stupid things just to get by will not fly with me, I notice everything. I might not say much when you do it the first few times because it probably has nothing to do with me but why bother? Just say what you mean and mean what you say. And if you realise you just said something that was untrue, say so. I will not judge you and really, I will find your correction refreshing.

the inability to use basic manners/common courtesy. Please & thank you go a long way. I am not talking about perfection but come on now if someone just gave you something, you can say thank you. Open a door for that person with their arms full of stuff.

commitment-phobes. Oh just go away.

What I do want:

kindness. If I am feeling under the weather, ask me if I am any better the next day. If I link you to a song, listen to it. Tell me if you liked it or did not. If someone in my family dies, send me condolences. If my friend gets married, say that you are happy for them. If you want to be part of my life, act like it.

consistency. And while you are acting like it, do it often. I need to be able to rely on you to be there. More than one Tuesday every fourth month (if it snows that day).

openness. Tell me about yourself and not just about the people you fucked and the house you set on fire. I want to know about your family, friends, and dreams of terraforming Jupiter with marshmallows (okay whatever you get my point). Superficial relationships are such a bore.

If you are the sort to shut people off or down when feelings develop, I am the person you want to stop talking to now. Here is why: I am the person that will walk the fuck away from you when I feel like you are hiding something (and I am NEVER wrong. My intuition is on point). I am hypersensitive to people’s bullshit and instead of trying to figure out what is off, did I do something, ohmygod do they think I am a freak, nope – I just walk away now because I got burnt badly and my delicate little heart got put in a blender and drank up by someone that thought I was better as a side piece instead of the main course. (it is) ALL GOOD because now I know what I need to avoid and how to do so.

My autistic brain tells me that all people will do the same because I do not know how to tell a good person from a person that will ultimately take advantage – but that is the game, you know? Each level presents new challenges, villains, bosses, maps, mines, caverns, side quests… you never know when you will clear a board & the next screen will read: YOU WIN.

How many YOU DIED screens have I read just to sigh and unenthusiastically smack that restart button? Hundreds? Thousands?

So there, you know what you are up against. If you have any bit of what I do not want, please step away. You are probably a lovely human but I am tired of being neglected by the traits you possess. You certainly have another person on this planet that is perfect for you. I am not that highly intelligent primate.

If you have what I do want plus you like cats, cheese, naps, camping, silliness, my odd taste in music, plants, bugs, reading, random rambling conversations & well… me – then say so.

Edited again: Below is a bunch of astrology stuff. Read it if you care to. I hate that it summarises me like I have no uniqueness. I highlighted the annoyingly accurate stuff.

Isabel and I were talking about how shitty this full moon was treating us. I wondered if I had any Virgo up in my chart. I do, my Saturn is in Virgo. It made me wonder what all the other pieces of my chart were doing. I only pay attention to my big 3 (Sagittarius Sun, Aries Rising & Gemini Moon) plus my Venus because just what I needed in that mess of a big 3 was a complicated love sign.

Reading these summaries altogether does me in. Add the INFJ personality type + 5/4, you have neatly labelled me! Hurray! 

♐︎ Sagittarius Restless, cheerful, and friendly, Sun in Sagittarius people are generally on the go. They have a love of freedom and a disdain for routine. Generally quite easygoing, Sagittarians make friends with people from all walks of life. They love to laugh and tease and get along well with both sexes.

Sagittarians have often blind faith in people, and in the world. Their optimism is infectious, although it can get them into trouble from time to time. These are curious people who love to learn. Their idealistic nature is hard to miss.

Although generally easygoing, Sagittarius is a fire sign. This gives natives a generally quick temper. Fortunately, they’re usually as quick to forget what got them angry in the first place.

The need for escape is generally strong, and some Solar Sagittarians come across as a little irresponsible. They’re generally easy to forgive, however. After all, their direct, honest approach in life is admirable.

♈︎ Aries rising are direct and quick. Their first instinct is to do, rather than think. Planning ahead? Forget it. Aries rising simply charges forward without much ado.

This position does not make a person aggressive. Forthright, yes, but aggression is too strong a word for these natives. They have a youthful, direct manner that sees what it wants and generally goes for it. At the same time, there isn’t any malice in their intent.

Some Aries rising people are competitive, but they generally put most of the pressure on themselves. These people love to come out ahead in all that they do. They get ready quickly, walk quickly, and have little patience for dilly-dallying. Their temper is quick, too. It’s also quick to disappear. Rarely do you find Aries rising people holding grudges. Their mannerisms are rather simple and straightforward.

Aries Ascendant often gives a rather swift walk, with the head leaning forward slightly. This walk is surprisingly distinctive. Headaches, sinus and eye problems are the usual physical complaints of this position. Rashes and acne on the face and shoulders sometimes occur. Often, Aries rising people are quick to smile, and they possess a youthful charm throughout life.

Probably early on in life, Aries rising people got typecast as the “independent” child. As adults, people with Aries Ascendants often stick to that role in life. People don’t run to help them out — they appear quite fine doing things on their own. These people have learned to be self-reliant, and this generally stems from their early experiences.

Despite a rather brusque and independent manner, these natives are usually very willing to compromise in their relationships and are very attached to the people they hold dear.

♊︎ Gemini Moons are naturally street smart, and often amuse friends with their kooky observations. They get the restless jitters more than other Moon signs and like to be busy with multiple fascinations simultaneously. Gemini is a mutable sign that is a speedy and bright messenger. And your Moon sign (and House position) shows your deepest needs, the recipe for feeling “at home.”

So picture Gemini Moon at home when their curiosity is piqued, and they’re tracking that novel idea. It may be a flash moment, and it’s on to the next thing. You could call them capricious and superficially engaged, but you’ll never call them boring!

That changeable nature is at the heart of who they are. And it’s why Gemini Moons have an easy way with people of all stripes.

But that doesn’t mean they don’t have a soulful side, or they’re always light. Gemini is a sign of both light and dark, and everything in between.

It takes time to see all the dimensions, since Gemini Moon leads with the thinking mind, even when talking about feelings. They drive themselves crazy by thinking too much, and this can lead to spiky emotional states.

When Gemini Moons are overwrought, they show different faces, which can take even those close to them by surprise. Gemini’s dark side comes out in cynical humour and sometimes plays the conniving trickster.

The Moon in Gemini person has a light touch socially and has an instinct for putting others at ease. Air sign Moons have a way of relating that’s spacious, with lots of room for fresh ideas.

Those with the Moon in Gemini have brightly lit up minds in which the wheels are always turning.

For them, the world is full of interesting topics to learn and think about, and of course, chat about with others. They’re lively conversationalists, and usually able to find the hilarity in any situation.

The Moon in Gemini’s mind needs constant stimulation, and this is how it finds emotional comfort. Mercury rules the Moon here, so messages of comfort and inspiration are nourishing.

In romance, the Gemini Moon is an enchanting mate that is also like a fun, child-like friend. Their ideal mate is someone with an adaptable outlook who helps soothe their nervous temperament. In return, they offer a relationship that is fresh and always evolving because of their endless search for variety.

♐︎ Mercury in Sagittarius freedom of thought is what Mercury in Sagittarius strives for — at least in theory. These people communicate in an optimistic, forward-looking manner. Their ideas are generally very big, but it’s probably wise to use tact when you see all the little holes in their arguments. Remember, they mean well. These people have a vision.

Not always thrilled about focusing on details, Mercury in Sagittarius people prefer to expand their mental horizons through thinking and reading about larger subjects, like philosophy. Their thirst for knowledge can be insatiable, but they have little patience with dry academics or cold, hard facts. Theirs is a restless intellect. They learn best when they are given the freedom to think for themselves, when they are truly interested in the topic at hand, and when the things they’re learning are fun.

Even though their definition of justice might bewilder some, Mercury in Sagittarius defends justice and freedom religiously. They generally have a whole slew of principles they follow or at least defend in conversation, and they’ll gladly discuss them all with you.

Their optimism is both their strength and their weakness. After a conversation with these people, you’ll probably feel stimulated and invigorated. They make life a little better through their positive, optimistic outlook. But sometimes that optimism can be a little blind to reality.

Organization, too, is not a forte of Mercury in Sagittarius. Who has the time for organizing anyway? When the clutter around them gets too unbearable, they’re given to trashing or piling things instead of putting them in their rightful places. They do appreciate lots of room, or at least the illusion of space, when they’re working, studying, or thinking. So, their office might look alright at first glance. Open up a drawer or a closet, however, and you might find it’s bursting its seams.

Conversations with Mercury in Sagittarius are always interesting. You can’t help but admire their enthusiasm. At their worst, they take to preaching instead of conversing. This may not be intentional and can get Mercury in Sagittarius into all kinds of trouble nonetheless. A good debate is hard for people in this position to pass up. Mercury in Sagittarius natives think they are very open-minded–and they are in spots–but they can come across as quite moralistic at times too. They’ll be the first to spot bias or prejudice in everyone else’s communication, but they can be a little blind to their own. They’re not always the best listeners, either, and not adept at picking up the subtleties in your conversation.

The bluntness of speech is a trademark of Mercury in Sagittarius. These people get impatient with indirectness and beating around the bush. It baffles them. It may even piss them off for a while. A sure-fire way to get under their skin is to play mind games with them. They may not always pick up on the game-playing at first, but when they do, they won’t be amused.

♏︎ Venus in Scorpio people attract others with their intensity and willingness to commit. They have a strong and concentrated manner which suggests their feelings run deep. Their actions in love tend to promise deep commitment and sexual pleasure, even if they are not telling you this directly. Their appeal lies in their focus on you, and their dedication. Venus in Scorpio seems fearless when it comes to intimacy. Potential lovers get the feeling that Venus in Scorpio will never stray, that they are intensely loyal to the one they love. They possess you and somehow make it seem attractive to be possessed.

Venus in Scorpio men and women give you their complete attention. These people are very focused on their partners. Depending on your personality, you may find this unnerving or entirely flattering. They have a strong need to control their partner, although this won’t be immediately apparent, and they may not ever admit to this. Their body-and-soul love and commitment can be so intense that it eclipses fun and makes loving them a very heavy experience. Their emotion and intensity may seem overdone to those looking for a more lighthearted relationship. These people take things to extremes and can be very provocative. Although they want to explore all of your nooks and crannies, they won’t always be forthcoming with their own. When you’ve upset these lovers, you’ll know it. Depending on the moment, Venus in Scorpio will shoot you one of the most piercing glares around, or totally blow up. Whichever style they choose, a slighted Scorpio lover is not a pretty sight. These people can be jealous of all of your attachments, but few will admit it. They’re not afraid of being underhanded in matters of the heart, and they are experts at cutting through all the fluff and seeing you for what you are. Still, you may find their conclusions about you seem skewed and mistrustful.

Pleasing Venus in Scorpio involves demonstrating your complete commitment and loyalty to them. Appreciate their guts when it comes to love and intimacy — they’re proud of their courage in these matters. If you can, and they’re deserving, relinquish some of the control in the relationship. Let them feel they own you, without taking it to extremes. Remember, though, that some Venus in Scorpio lovers can and will take advantage of you on a subtle level if only to keep you all to themselves. Let them have their secrets and their silences.

My Personal Ad Bio: “I’m emotional and deep. I’ll be very loyal too, forever. I’m looking for commitment. I’ll make you happy in bed.”

Deeply passionate relations are desired with Venus in Scorpio. Superficial flirtations and contacts do not satisfy, as they yearn for “body and soul” contact with someone special–contact that breaks the taboos, that is extreme and intense, and that is unforgettable. This is a highly emotional position for Venus. It is a passionate, sensual, and intense energy. Their relationships are immensely important to them, and they may even feel that relationships consume them. In fact, they tend to want to be consumed by them! Although the basic drive is toward intense closeness, blind faith in their partners is extremely hard. Fears of being too vulnerable or of giving up their own power to others are strong. Scorpio is an “all or nothing” energy, and relationships tend to be somewhat of a rollercoaster ride as a result. Disdain for mediocrity and superficiality can compel them to create crises in order to feel alive and vital.

They can be hard to figure out or to get close to because they can go from one extreme of emotion to the next quite quickly. They sometimes appear very sensitive and yielding, and other times completely closed off, for example.

Their tastes in art, clothing, furnishings, and music tend to be dark, surreal, gothic, passionate. Most of their true character lies beneath the surface, and what they choose to put on display may even be deceptive. Fashion trends mean little to them.

♌︎ Mars in Leo individuals possess a strong need to create in some way and they are determined that their lives have not only meaning but the significant meaning!

This is a particularly vital position on Mars. Passions run high, and so does desire. There is a strong will that gives these natives much-staying power. Though Mars in Leo people will enjoy the pleasures of risk-taking, they generally have a strong sense of reason at the end of the day.

Mars in Leo people often have well-defined ambitions. Rarely will you find a person with Mars in this position who lives life without a true sense of a “calling.” They act with authority and power, and their personal magnetism generally endows them with the ability to get what they want.

This is one of the more sexual positions on Mars. While they are rather easy to arouse, their passion is long-standing. Mars in Leo natives enjoy sex more than most, as long as heavy doses of love and romance are part of the package. In partnership, they demand loyalty and admiration.

Impatient with small-mindedness and disloyalty, Mars in Leo natives generally have a strong idealistic streak. They easily get fired up when they feel they’ve been humiliated, and they defend their high principles with ardour.

Mars in Leo natives act with their hearts. Their ego is tied up with their actions so that most anything they do becomes a source of great pride. Though some are self-righteous and quarrelsome, the more sophisticated people in this position are kindly leaders.

♋︎ Jupiter in Cancer individuals attract the best fortune when they are sympathetic, charitable, use their powers to save and accumulate, and comfort others. Real estate and the food industry can be prosperous avenues.

As a Water sign Jupiter, you have a strong belief in a higher power. You are most able to attract luck and rich life experiences to you through your intuition, imagination, and compassion. Helping those in need boosts your own morale.

♍︎ Saturn in Virgo, you may feel limited or weighed down by work, routine, service, and attention to detail. You may feel overburdened or often left to your own resources, taking on more work than is fair. Finding the meaning or joy in your work, routines, and service is something to strive toward.

You have an excellent eye for details, but you sometimes get lost in them, unsure of your ability to piece everything together. Or, you might leave things unfinished because of a very strong perfectionist streak. If you don’t finish it, there is no risk of it being less than perfect! Fear of criticism or of making mistakes can severely limit your opportunities, whether to take on new endeavours or to finish the ones you started. Chances run high that the standards you’ve set for yourself are too strict. Watch, too, for a tendency to convince yourself that you just don’t care to get things right, precise, or accurate since this means avoiding the problem. In all likelihood, deep down, you care too much. Tackling the root of the problem with self-honesty can help you to do less fretting and more living. Digestive problems are often associated with this placement.

♏︎ Uranus in Scorpio You’re most interested in making changes, innovating, and updating traditions related to intimacy, healing, metaphysics, psychology, transformation, investigation, privacy, dependence, support, the management of resources, and debts. You seek more freedom in or through these areas, and you don’t feel much need to conform! You may believe in breaking through some of the inhibitions or taboos related to sexuality, power dynamics, mortality, and self-knowledge. Despite the need for progress, you can be very stubborn and set in your ways in these areas. You may challenge authority or rules and laws in place only if you feel they are limiting our progress, seeking to revolutionize the ways we view our intimate relationships with others and ourselves, or to awaken others to new thinking in these areas.

Your intuition is powerful and hunches uncannily on point. You’re excited to break new ground when attempting to understand the layers of yourself, a person in your life, or a situation. Research is a talent.

♐︎ Neptune in Sagittarius Your vision of an ideal world may centre around the truth, tolerance, freedom, liberty, generosity, and intellectual understanding. You may idealize truth, justice, and the power of positive thinking. Your optimism is a breath of fresh air, but may at times be taken so far that you are somewhat blind to the practical side of an endeavour. Or, your goals and ideals are set so high that it can be challenging to reach them. Fantasizing about something better is your escape. Your openness to mystical or alternative interpretations of life is refreshing.

♎︎ Pluto in Libra The quest to bring reform to–or to distinguish yourself through–your relationships and connections with others can be so fraught with pressure at times that you have a hard time letting go or feeling content and satisfied with your accomplishments in these areas. The goal should be to feel more personally powerful through your ability to compromise and treat others fairly, not to seek your power from your relationships. You have brilliant insights into people and relationships. You know that improving the world starts with reforming the ways we interact with one another.

♊︎ Lilith in Gemini has felt shame for speaking too much or too little, or for their intelligence or social skills. They may be wary of people who seem to be indulgent in these ways — who are social butterflies or who talk too much or who seem to flaunt their intelligence. Their curiosity may have been stifled in some manner, and they can fear not being considered smart. They can be wicked with what they say when angry! Shame in these areas can lead to extremes of behaviour and a feeling of being out of control. Working on self-acceptance is the key to empowerment.

♎︎ North Node in Libra and/or in the Seventh House A tendency to rely on the self so much that we alienate important others in our lives, to be excessively competitive to the point of a me-first attitude, to take things personally, and to be impatient, rash, and impulsive at the expense of personal happiness are some of the issues with this position.

We are often afraid of the demands that a partner might put on us, and we don’t naturally look for feedback, preferring to act on the moment–on our own hunches and impulses. But however hard we push ourselves, our plans will be blocked until we stop to consider the other side.

The natural tendency may be to go it alone, often passing up opportunities for growth because we are too focused on our own personal survival. Our impulses and instincts are overloaded, lacking in perspective, and acting upon them will often bring us strife–that is, until we learn to look at the other side, perhaps through the eyes of another. Through the partnership, and through cooperation with others, we will attain the inner balance necessary to achieve our goals.