Wed. May 18th, 2022

I remember back in the LiveJournal days, I was in a community for abuse survivors. I never posted my own story, I just commented on those that did.

I was never brave enough.

I did notice something:

Over the years, the women that I have kept up with (I am friends with several of them still, sheesh, 25 years later) are still posting their stories and have collected so many more of them since.

Do we manifest more of the same when we tell them our stories over and over again?

I have a friend that I adore more than anything. She seems to run into the same circumstances to a greater extent than others I know.

I get these long-winded messages from her on a regular basis. I do not need to read them. I know what they say. I can change the man’s name but the story is the same.

I listen to her, if she asks for advice, I tell her the same thing. She agrees that I am correct but she never follows through.

In a short amount of time, I will get the same string of messages.

“He has stopped talking to me, he does not love me anymore, he_____. What should I do? What did I do wrong? I am a mess, I cannot think.”

Patterns, it seems, we write ourselves into.

And we notice them, “why do I always attract the same kind of person? Why can I never seem to catch a break? WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?”

Hmm.

When I was going through my journals, I was reading the highs and lows of my life. The lows were never very low and when they were I was repeating how terrible everything was over and over again.

And they got worse.

The highs are never very high but when they were, I was having a good time and not paying much attention to what was going on, I was living my life, learning, hanging out with the kids and my friends. Not focusing on anything stressful or negative.

The best periods were like that too but I was always focusing on myself. There were not very many periods admittedly. A few months here and there.

I was not posting about my personal life so much, I was often helping others. I was always taking some higher education and I might have been involved with someone but it was either okay or not that big of a deal.

In other words, I was only writing positive words.

I wrote a lot of poetry. I was active in forums then.

The more I wrote negative, confused, intrigue the more I was forced to shift through.

I may have shut off social media and the news but I still had people around me that used. And they brought it to me and their biases. I consumed it through them.

Add a global pandemic you have some perplexing times.

I talked myself into ignoring my own intuition. Which has never misguided me.

And I am paying the price for that now.

Anyway, I have a carrot cake to go and frost. I have some friends coming over for a long-overdue get-together.

Happy Sunday! Remember that your thoughts create. If you have negative thoughts about people or situations, know that they will show up like that in your life. When an unpleasant thought runs through your mind pause and think: “what is making me think this way about this person/situation? What did I do to contribute to this?” Often times we hold on to negative thoughts because we blame someone else for something we feel guilty about. Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves so we can forgive them and let them go.

There is no real reason to feel unhappy if you can help it. If you can help yourself, you should… right?

And because it is silly:

Also:

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution”.

Why are you where you are in your life? What are the choices that you have made that have been because of what you believe to be true for yourself?

I am reading Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller and it is not normal that I need a breather while taking in a book.

But this one is not a one-day reader.
I am pairing it up with knitting, Ancient Aliens and Mulder & Scully because, girl, I am coming apart by my ragdoll seams.

I had a fit this morning while writing some code. Nothing was working right and after two hours, I threw my laptop on my bed and cried. I went into the shower and wept while conditioning my faded green hair. I calmed down quickly but I felt foolish. I knew the script was unimportant, nothing was the matter and I wrapped myself in a towel and put “March of the Pigs” on.

After I was dressed, I fixed the problem in less than a minute. I put some coffee on and grabbed some crackers because really that is all I eat these days.

I picked up my phone to 13 missed phone calls. Yeah, I know. Shutting your ringers off might make your house quiet but it does not make your responsibilities go away.

Why are you where you are in your life? What are the choices that you have made that have been because of what you believe to be true for yourself?

(what if you find out that I am useless. what if you knew I had zero ambition)
I never wanted anything. Or at least that was what I said. I did want things but I did not feel like I deserved anything. So, that is what I got – nothing. I might do a lot but no one knows about it. I have friends and family but I never let anyone close. I am quite alone.

I did this on purpose. I did it so no one would expect anything out of me and I did not need to expect anything out of anyone else. Even if I have SO much to give… and I would like to ask for many things in return… I do not.

I do not trust that my needs will be met. I do not bother to ask.

When the case is out
And tired and sodden
Take it in your heart