Tue. May 17th, 2022

In relationship therapy, I took a test that scored me very low in the arena of commitment. Seemingly, I do not have the traits of someone that sees the point or commits well or easily.

I wrote down how my previously relationships/situationships unfolded. How the courting phases worked. How long it took for us to pair up. How long we were together for. How long it took for discord to creep in. How long before we broke up. Who ended the relationship.

How long did it take for me to start a new relationship.

What stood out was the short amount of time that it took for these relationships to begin (often less than a week) and the length of the relationships (often more than 2 years) compared to when I was ready to bail (usually around 2-6 months).

Before Will died, I was in a new relationship in <4 months. Typically 2 months was the amount of time it took for someone new to come into my life.

Hardly enough space for me to get my head on straight.

Make no mistake, though, it was just a couple of months before I had suitors at my door after Will.

I just could not.

One was too stable. The other was too unstable. One was my friend and I felt strange about that.

My heart was just not into it.

I dropped it all and drew all of the curtains tightly for years.

I went on my own voyage. I kissed a few frogs.

Yeah, a few turned into princes.

I have met some extraordinary people on this path.

But the one person that I have connected with was a love at first sight moment. Like a, “This Magic Moment,” once in a life time love affair, heart fell into the pit of your stomach, ohmygosh, you are just everything

I have fallen in and out of love at least half a dozen times out of frustration because how could this person be so stupid? So stubborn? How can they not see how amazing they are? How can they keep making the same insane mistakes over and over again? How can they insistently put themselves in harm’s way when they deserve nothing but the best? Why do they not see their worth, their beauty, their delight?

And when I feel the depth of my love for them again, I swim with a familiar glee because I know, with time, it will become a stable emotion.

Once I learn to be gentle to myself.

I was walking around my neighbourhood, listening to cheesy pop music (Kid Koala’s, “Crazy in Love” was on repeat in those days) and my heart was beating in an unfamiliar thump and my palms were damp even though it was chilly. I had caught a glimpse of myself in a building’s window and thought, “Damn girl, you be looking GOOD today!” and smiled and wondered why I thought that. Other people smiled back at me when they walked by. I was grinning like a big dumbass as I bounced by. I was flying, I felt like I was part of the stratosphere. My mobile was blowing up, people asking me to do this or that and would I like to or could I and where was I. It was a beautiful day and I was in love.

Totally and completely.

It took a few days for it to click that it was me that I had fallen for.

I felt a bit bonkers… and really did not care. I let it be. I showered all of my attention on myself. I went on long walks, I read books in bed with snacks and watched the X-Files on repeat.

I bought myself a beautiful dress, took myself out for new tattoos and went on a long train ride with my eyes closed listening to my favourite music.

I was so happy I thought my heart was going to burst.

Every single thing I could ask for that could go “right” did in those weeks. It was like, by me finally turning my thoughts inward and paying mind to myself, I was getting what I needed.

A power switch went on.

I freaked out. I am not used to things going well. I hid like a kitten under my bed and wondered why.

Something in my head reached out and around and slapped me (kindly, again because we are besties).

“Girl, no. We deserve to be happy! Crawl out from underneath this dusty ass bed and have fun! AND SWEEP UNDER YOUR BED GEEZ.”

(I still have not managed to tame the dust bunnies fyi)

I did listen to myself though. I am understanding that I was my own worst enemy but I am also my own best friend. And my best loudest supporter.

It is one thing to declare that you know your worth. It is yet another thing to stand by yourself when it is challenged.

I am my own knight in shining armour. Underneath that chain mail I have a fierce & stylish gown on because I have parties to slay, not just dragons.

I am not going to be very fast to invite someone else into my life but if and when I do they had better love the heck out of themselves.