Wed. May 18th, 2022

Phew.
I had not expected the response that I have received from my last post. And who knew you could gaslight yourself?

I have been sitting here thinking about how to answer the questions posed to me and I am unsure how.

In that link above, they say there is a difference between gaslighting yourself and being humble.

“Humility, or being humble, does not diminish your internal self-worth or confidence. You can be humble and confident and have the capacity to stand up for yourself when being ridiculed or manipulated.”

“Self-gaslighting can completely obliterate your perception of value as a person.”

I do not feel like my value is being eradicated. On the contrary, I feel like my value has been easier for me to notice, feel and stand up for.

“We value humility because someone humble recognizes their shortcomings and weaknesses. Someone humble does not fixate on their weaknesses and let them override their strengths or uniqueness as a person.”

“Self-gaslighting, on the other hand, obliterates the right to acknowledge your strengths or accomplishments and stops you from self-improvement in lessening your shortcomings or weaknesses.”

Does it seem like in any of these posts that I am focusing on my weaknesses? Perhaps I am being slightly harsh when I am telling tales of my past stupidity. Is it my main focus? No. My focus is on realising that I have done this, I do not like it, I am taking responsibility for it and moving on.

My strengths and uniqueness are not usually my focus either. I do not know how to talk about myself in a positive way either.

Eh, another post for another day.

I am actively doing what I can to improve EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have therapy twice a week. I do breathwork and meditate three times a day. I journal publically daily and in private AT LEAST once a day (any thoughts that need attention, I write them down. I do not let any stray thoughts sit in my head to cause havoc). I exercise daily, eat well, I have a damn water llama app to make sure I am hydrated. I am sleeping, my ADHD is medicated. My seizures are under control. Fitter happier-No chance of escape (sorry, I could not help myself).

Maybe we need to talk about this:

bias: verb

cause to feel or show inclination or prejudice for or against someone or something.

Bias is disproportionate weight in favour of or against an idea or thing, usually in a way that is closed-minded, prejudicial, or unfair. Biases can be innate or learned. People may develop biases for or against an individual, a group, or a belief.

December 2019. I sat with a group of women I called my friends. It was time to make midwinter wishes. We did it every year. I had nothing to wish for, I had what I needed. I began to think about what people around me could possibly need. One of my friends told me that I was being ridiculous, I should ask for a companion. I sighed and began to write a list of attributes I would like in a partner. I told her I was not ready to be with anyone. She said it was okay, he was not ready for me either.

I thought about what she said for a minute longer and finished my list. I reread it, smiled, and tucked it into my pocket. I wrote another list of happiness and abundance for my family and friends and sent that one into the flames. I wrote the list as a blog post and set it as a light-hearted intention in prayer that night before I went to bed. Equinoxes, good company, laughter and positivity have a weird way of manifesting when you least expect it.

A friend of mine sent me a message on OkCupid. I was chatting with him and we were sarcastically going through people in our local areas and sending screenshots of the lowest % matches to each other. I was showing Hege one and as I was scrolling, someone popped up on my local search that had a tag line that annoyed me. He said he could beat anyone in baking bread.

I said to Hege, “In this town? It must be a bake-off!”

I messaged him in outrage. It was quite amusing.
And strange because due to my filters, he should have never shown up. He was too young.

Universe said, “Oh hi, here you go!

I did not alert anyone that I was talking to him. I did not share (though I suppose if you were really paying attention, you knew something was up). No one knew what was going on until things started to fall apart.

This is not how things are done, apparently.
I had never had my life such blast before. My relationships before were not paid any attention to. I did not have such a large social circle.

I did not realise how many people were hooked to this space.

How many were judging in silence, gathering toxicity without knowing more than what I was venting for my mental health? THIS IS MY SPACE but it was used as an electric pillory, but with no defence. All condemnation, with no chance of reprisal.

I created my very own echo chamber.

How can you read the words of someone else and decide how someone else is SOLELY on these words – and then create a finely weaved mesh that cannot be penetrated with any sense or new information because you have read those words and decided they are not worthy of:

-care
-exoneration
-safety
-hope
-understanding
-peace

?

I may not fully appreciate the how-to’s of how things work, but I do not see that I have done this incorrectly.

In my opinion, some of you are kind of salty because I am not agreeing with you. That is perfectly okay! As long as you can accept that my life will continue to have aspects of it that I might not be willing to indulge every single detail to you. I have been cool with doing so in the past because other people have not been involved. As soon as someone did get involved, too many cooks came into the kitchen and fucked it all up.

Lesson learned. Mums the word and y’all need to step back and let me breathe, k?

I take what you say to me very seriously. I love that you guys love me. Just because I do not implement the person I am seeing into my social circle does not mean he is an axe murderer. It does not mean you need to dislike them and push people you think I would be better suited with into my path when I have made it clear that I like someone else.

He was a truly lovely human, you know. I may not agree with the way he handled things (and the fact that I need to add that to avoid annoying messages later is unfair) but as I said about my mum yesterday, show me how you would do any better. When is enough, enough? How deep is your well? How much can you tolerate before you snap? And what if you were already over your threshold? When is it enough that you need to fuck off from reality and pretend like you never had any part of it?

Sure, you did but we all have our own ways of coping. Some people do drugs, drink, play video games, watch porn, do extreme sports, over/under eat, watch Netflix all day or a combination of these things or so many other self-soothing activities.

As long as you can pick yourself up and LIVE who is anyone to judge you?

Take your biases and tuck them in your back pockets, please.

I am awkward enough, I do not need an extra dose of sabotage from my friends.

The next months of my life are going to be major. The foundation I am building right now is so I can stand on it which is why it seems like I am pushing – I am. I know what is coming for me. I have been unprepared in the past, I will not do that to myself again.

I am the creator of my life, right?
Watch me get what I want then.