Wed. May 18th, 2022

It may seem at times like I do things at such a chaotic speed or in such a dysfunctional way that there is nothing but erroneousness oozing out of my pores.

I assure you, this is not the case.

I am (mostly) cerebral in my thought process though by the time it is visible to others it might look askew. Let me explain:

People that know me well enough are aware of the constant movement in the way of strategy in my thoughts. I can see most situations playing out several steps in all directions. Why? These things have all happened before. Nothing is wholly unique. Give me a problem, I can give you the solution.

Perhaps several solutions.
Sometimes too many solutions.

One issue often has infinite ways of sorting its way through. How do you choose one path? Choose this way and this could happen! How about this outcome instead?! Or that one! Oooh, but this one friend!

With so many options, I tend not to make decisions. I get paralysed by the idea that I am going to make the wrong one. Rather than fail, I would rather appear to be indifferentwhen under the surface I am a complete wreck knowing all the different outcomes could be congenial but I will never know.

In the rare case that I do make a decision, it looks reckless because it is so out of character for me.

I stay out of the way, out of the limelight and generally, out of harm’s way. No making of waves, no progression… no anything.

It is not mayhem you are witnessing. It is a scarce witnessing of me asserting my autonomy.

I did not think every step out in triplicate. I did not plan the conversations out in my head first. I am operating without a script and a safety net.

I am exhausted. I never have any idea what I am doing. I have emotions that feel so huge that sometimes I cannot hold the tears (or the laughter) back. I find myself sitting staring out the window at people walking by in total amazement at how gorgeous humans are.

Simply beautiful beings we all are.

I have to pinch my elbow sometimes to remind myself that I still exist. To bring me back to this moment to remember that I am awake and that this is not a dream.

All of this wonder is real and I am breathing it in.

Nothing prepared me for this. I thought the day that I looked up at Eirik and felt my heart expand and knew that I loved him that I knew what emotions were.

I cannot close my eyes and feel that moment now but I can see the yellow in my head and the warm on my face when I recall sitting next to him on the bus that once and not knowing if I could breathe with him that close.

A lifetime of sensations with no comparison, no scale, no speaker and with one unknown accelerant they all want to be intensely seen.

 

Lilith in Gemini

Ambiguous communication, fascination with ambiguity and shadows, the search for identity.
These people live in the world of thoughts that are completely free and subject to the constant process of change. Lilith in Gemini emphasises all this more intensely and these people are virtually unstoppable. They have a great desire for knowledge and information. They do not take anything seriously because they think that everything can be changed. They tend to change information and then pass this modified information on. They do not like to live in one place for too long and they make friends easily. They especially like to meet non-conformist, unusual people.
Beware of asthma and injuries of lungs, arms, hands and shoulders.