Wed. May 18th, 2022

(I’m trying to tell you now, it’s sabotage)

In the immortal words of The Beastie Boys,
I can’t stand rocking when I’m in here
‘Cause your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear
So while you sit back and wonder why
I got this fucking thorn in my side
Oh my God, it’s a mirage
I’m tellin’ y’all, it’s a sabotage

Mmm, right so, I have had a bitch slap and a half – let me explain without getting side-tracked into 90s hip-hop again.

What do you do when you realise that you are perpetuating issues on a loop? You play the victim so well that you do not even notice that you have been doing it? You are self-actualised to the fine point of observing everyone else’s rubbish but completely ignoring the stench coming off of yourself?

You keep living the same tragedies over and over again because it is the only story your subconscious is aware of. You may not have written the original code but you upload it along with each update.

You might not even complain about the life you live anymore. You are tremendously used to it – but when someone does something horrible to you, it is 100% their fault, right?

It makes no sense when you have spent all of this time on your subliminal tracks and meditating and all of that fucking gratitude. You are practically shitting glitter.

You could not have detected that decay, laying so low, whispering how pointless this all was because yeah you might be awesome, sure you could be valuable but in the end, everyone will see you for the fraud you truly are. No one ever sticks around, no one is trustworthy, everyone will hurt you, even your own mum wished you were never born.

Ssh, it is okay, you can be a victim. You have the best reasons to be. Stop trying to be happy. Just lay down and wait for it all to be over.

You cannot possibly win with something so heinous eating everything you build on top of it. It is like acid.

And it has destroyed every relationship I have ever had.

Maybe they got busy with something in their life for a minute. I guessed they were hiding something and would start to shut them off. I would find places that of course, they were lying to me (the strange thing about people – once you presume something about them, good or bad, they start to become what you think of them).

I dismantled friendships like this as well.

Hell, I do it to myself. I doubt everything I do.

At least I did.

Therapy has been horrible for me. Throwing this in my face has made me hate going. I get so angry that I go home and throw things. Getting called out on this has been the worst.

And the truth.
Being accountable for my actions, all of them is not a journey I care for much.

I am tired of doing this to myself.
I want to be happy – not just when I am thinking myself happy… but really actually happy.