Wed. May 18th, 2022

Mulder to Scully after Melissa died.

fate: a power beyond human control that is believed to determine what happens: destiny

destiny: a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency

People generally belong to one of two camps: 1.) why bother to do anything, life is happening to me I cannot change it 2.) fate is bullshit I have complete control over my life.

Even though I have cut ties with the Sabrina cult, my belief system has not changed much. Why?

I have watched every single thing they told me would happen, happen. They did not lie to me, I just did not agree with being manipulated.

I feel this way about fate – it is what it is. Destiny is like the minor arcana in a tarot deck. You can read the cards as a big meh and understand that you can change your habits and avoid them. Fate is the major arcana – you are going to run into fate whether you like it or not.

I waited for my fate to change because I opted out of my “chosen” destiny. Nope. Everything is the same. I sat flabbergasted at that. With everything that has occurred, how is that even possible?

I slunk into a bit of a hole when I found this out. Surely the universe would see that one chapter ended and a character was written out of my timeline for good… right?

Then you remember that life and the people that are in it are meant to teach you lessons. Sometimes you learn those lessons within the first half an hour, sometimes it takes you fifteen years. Some situations are brought to bring you joy, others to help you understand yourself at a fundamental level so you can evolve deeper.

When you look at a set of circumstances as something painful or with dread, you will never see the reason why it repeats itself. Remembering that each person is wounded in some way does aid you in remaining loving so you can have the best relations with everyone (no matter how difficult).

I have met some people that have properly used me, abused me & left me in a very bad way – knowing that they themselves are unwell and cannot properly vocalise their own hurts helps me not take their ill-treatment personally.

We are all doing the best we can.


p.s. if this is all sounds insane or more insane than usual I apologise. I am walking around my room in my in the same pants (I keep showering and putting on the same pants I am unsure why) and ranting and raving about I know why people voted for Trump – THEY ALL LIVE IN PLACES WHERE THERE IS METH IN THE WATER SUPPLIES and the walls come in and hug me, but they hug me too tightly it is too yellow and sweaty and I wish they would just snuggle and not squeeze so much)