Tue. May 17th, 2022

Did you want me all?
No, not for life
Did you truly see me?
No, not this time
Were you ever sure?
No, no, no, not with me

When you benevolently place your heart in someone else’s care you hope that they look after it in the utmost of delicateness. They respect the exchange because they know how fragile this exchange is. At one point they have been where you are – unsure and giddy at the same time. Even if they are not in the same place as you, they would not disrespect your fragile feelings because they would not want it done to them.

If they are with you, the chances are decent that they are a good human so they are fond of you already so these emotions are a compliment. They will cultivate your admiration for them for when the day arrives that they mirror your feelings, you both will be on the same page.

I wonder what that feels like.

Knowing for sure that I have the same feelings for someone as they have for me.

I have been loved – multiple times. I just did not return the sentiment.

The one time I thought I felt something, it was so complicated.

We had passion, no problem.

Intimacy… I am not sure about this one.

Err… no. Not really. I suppose towards the end we got more comfortable with each other but to be fair, we did not sit in the same space together very often. I would guess if we had, things would not… never mind. It is not worth finishing that thought.

There was no commitment either. So, it was an infatuation? Huh.

The one before was commitment with intimacy but no passion. So, companion love. Before that, commitment with no intimacy or passion, empty love.

If I am honest, I am comfortable with companion love. Infatuation was exhausting. I was always waiting for when it was okay to snuggle and watch Star Trek or take naps together or make pancakes in the middle of the night.

I can see that adding them together would have been… amazing, though. I just do not see how that would be possible? It was a one off, I think that I was even attracted to someone in that sense. It never happened before. Could it evolved into the other categories? I do not know. I can say that the other people that stayed firmly in companion love or empty love would have never been in infatuation.

When I look for a relationship, I am looking for a companion. Someone that I can share odd things with… not necessarily my bed with. It has always been that way. If someone starts out by flirting with me, I stop the conversation immediately. It turns me off.

I need to know if we can talk about Middle Earth, politics, music, morals, botany, time travel, space… the final frontier, racist colonisers, food, cats, self-improvement, memes, history (our personal history included)… learning needs to be paramount. If all you see when you look at me is someone that could be a weekend poke, I cannot be bothered.

I am looking for someone to wander the in’s and out’s of this dying planet with for however long we have left. I am not great at the concept of commitment – but this is my idea of forever.

I am enervated by games and obstacles courses set up by man-children that require you to pass stupidity tests to win their affections. I will not dumb myself down for anyone ever again. I am working on myself, for myself and I have a lot to give – I want honesty, kindness & prodigiousness in the person that joins me on this adventure.

And love. I have sold myself short on far too many occasions. Maybe I will need to wait until I am 92 years old and I will get four days to be gloriously well matched.

In the meantime, I will be living my life like a damn boss. I am extraordinary. Despite the tests of this life, I am still standing.

And thriving, girl… thriving. I am doing so much that I was told I would never be able to.

For every day that I am blessed with, I will do more and more and get better and better.

And happier and happier.

I am thankful for what I have. I am thankful for what will come.

Man… this journey is exciting, right?