Wed. May 18th, 2022

I skim and tiptoe around this subject around these parts often. I suppose it is about time to sit still and have this chat, yeah? It has been a topic of discussion in therapy as well.

I have not really cared much for sex. I have found it was something I did for the person I dated. It has only been in the past years that I have decided to figure out why.

I grew up in an environment where sex was a commodity. It was spoken about in a very matter of a fact way, the acts talked about in the same tone of voice as one would speak about making a pot roast with wine or brown gravy. There was nothing special about it. Having sex workers around you as a small child gives you the understanding that your body is always for sale.

I felt that with every man that looked at me. I wondered what the price was and for what act.

When I was with my first boyfriend, I enjoyed our companionship but I never had any intention of having a physical relationship. He did not appreciate this. He nagged at me to have sex for months. I gave in one afternoon, reluctantly. I was so uncomfortable that he could not penetrate me.

We broke up a few weeks later.

I had similar issues with the next few boyfriends until I unenthusiastically had sex with my longest term high school boyfriend. It was a miserable experience for me. I not only did not enjoy the sex itself, but I also found out that I was allergic to latex.

This experience turned me off from sex completely.

I did not mind foreplay. The closeness of kissing and touching was nice.

I just did not see the point of intercourse.

In therapy, the question had come up if I just did not like men. I had been with a few women and though I had been keen on the act itself, I was not any more comfortable with them.

It had not occurred to me until recently that my uncomfortableness was just a lack of confidence.

I have had so few sexual experiences. And knowing now that I do not trust anyone, this is not surprising. I have never been with anyone that I could just be with. Experiment with. Learn from. Discover what I like – I seriously have no idea. I have been treated like this very good girl – this is why I get cheated on. They like me as their girlfriend or wife and then they find someone else to treat as a sexual being. I can be the pretty wife and mother but never the person that can be sexualised.

It boggles my mind why.

I am at a place now that makes me think that I need to introduce someone into my life that I have no intention of making a permanent fixture – just so I can figure out how I tick. I do not bring much to the table in a relationship in this arena (if I am honest). I have been so untended to.

But I am eager to learn.

I am not into the idea of casual sex, ideally, all of the activities I get myself up to should be in the confines of a relationship – however, this chapter of my life is unique. My happiness is my main prerogative and cultivating my skill sets are not just finishing my archives management papers and working on irregular French verbs (savoir, voir, ugh!)

I have not decided how, or if it is the right thing to do, or who it will be… or when (summer, probably)… it is just a thought.

I love this, by the way. All of this growth I am doing. I am so proud of myself ♡