Tue. May 17th, 2022

Ritalin was okay on the lowest dose but as soon as we cranked it up the anxiety was insane. I was pacing the floors and waiting for someone to knock on the door. All damn day. I kept the shades drawn down tightly in fear that someone was looking in at me. It was awful. My heart was constantly pounding. I could not even meditate myself out of it. And then it would drain out of me a few hours later and I was exhausted.

Concerta was better but I never felt rested. I was always tired. I had good focus on my tasks but my head was in a thick fog otherwise.

Moving on to Vyvanse. I am less anxious, tired and my focus is better. I have impulse control! Still wander off in the middle of conversations but at least I remember what we were talking about (mostly).

The sleep is new for me. Having a lack of consistent sleep for most of my life has made me nocturnal and somehow a morning person too? Now I crave the dawn but I can leave midnight behind.

I am alright with this.

I am solving mysteries left and right and putting them in files (and some of them are being burnt to a crisp because who wants to visit those psychological dramas again, dear hearts? Not me that is for sure!). I am understanding the hows and the whys and knowing well enough to stamp them with “never agains”.

I am not wiser, I am just aware.

I want this navigation system to be on automatic update (unlike my phone that I have never updated because fuck Apple). I love where I am headed.

I may not enjoy where I have been, what I have said or what I have done but hey, it was part of the experience.

And adhd was created to diagnose boys and men not women. We are always an afterthought. We have different symptoms and we are taken as seriously. We suffer longer without proper help because it has to be psychological because hormones and shit.

Or as I have been told, “when you go mental.”

I roll my eyes when I think of crap like this. It would make more sense to say that my Mars is in Leo so I am “impatient with small-mindedness and disloyalty, Mars in Leo natives generally have a strong idealistic streak. They easily get fired up when they feel they’ve been humiliated, and they defend their high principles with ardor. Mars in Leo natives act with their heart.”

Makes more sense than saying because I react to being lied to as being “mental”.

Laugh, come on… anytime I pull out astrology to prove a point (which is no point) I am just trying to show how dumb something is.

Having neurological disorders does not make someone mental because they do not understand you.

Kindness is free.