Tue. May 17th, 2022

I made a comment once that we were trauma bonded. My comment was dismissed for some reason that escapes me now but it appears that on a psychological level I was not wrong.

Trauma bonds are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. 

It was not done on purpose by either of us.

You stay loyal to your violating partner despite feelings of fear, emotional pain, and distress.

The more we unravel the past couple of years and how I have ended up where I am, the more I understand the patterns I have created.

I have agreed with the way he has treated me. I have apologised over and over again for what has been done. Has he? What has he done to help?

I cover for him over and over again. I find the good in him even though I will be found guilty in any version of the story he tells.

I have looked at this from so many angles with everyone’s point of view – friends, family members, mental health professionals. I hear you all. I get it. I do.

Does it change the situation at hand? Does realise what has happened alleviate the past so today is okay?

No.

How did this happen? And how can I avoid it happening again?

I thought if I changed, if I became better or smarter or less impulsive or anyone besides me that things would improve. I did not understand that there were so many factors that had nothing to do with me.

My lack of confidence was my undoing. I wanted to please a person that I hardly knew at the expensive of my own mental health knowing very well how that ends.

But he was so sad.

And this is just how I have always done things. In a roomful of people, laughing and having a good time I look for the one person that is sitting alone, looking glum.

I am cheerful by nature despite all that I have endured. Why do I insist on this course of action?

My doctor had asked me what I would do if I walked by him, pram in hand. How would this even work out?

Why would he stay in the same neighbourhood?

He is not being fair.

My hand is being forced.