After I came out of meditation, I had a thought:
“How can a person think that I am against them when I repeatedly show up for them?”
I had to question my motives.
Say you had someone coming after you. They said something that may or may not be true. I care for you, I come to you with this information. You deny it.
I believe you.
Except you and I have a situation that is eerily similar in our past.
I still defend you because I am loyal.
When the time comes for you to DEFEND YOURSELF you lay down and play dead.
This does not look very good now does it?
When I reflect on our situation that quacks like that duck, I have to consider that maybe you are not so innocent anymore.
When responsibilities pile up, you expect that you will be helped out by those that helped get you in said situations. I mean, it is not normal for people to expect you to do everything.
They know well enough that if they drank out of a glass, they should put it in the sink. If they stay with you someplace, they pay half for it. If they create any issues in your life (crash your car, break a record, run over your cat, give you a std, piss off your mother, eat all of your cheese and not replace it right away, get you pregnant, microwave food with foil still on it) that they will step up and do what they can to make things right.
Why? Because they would like to be treated with the same respect.
Sometimes life goes haywire. But things are easier to come to reasonable solutions together.
That is how you avoid making enemies.
Hatred feels awful. Revenge is pointless and makes you just as bad as the asshole that abandoned you. What is worse is that people encourage you to seek revenge because society is not built on kindness or empathy.
Once you have fallen into the abyss it is not a simple path of return. You need to realise what you threw into this fire. Do not give this person a pass, no, they are 100% responsible for walking away but do not think that you are absolved from any wrong-doing.
I know my walk back is not going to be pleasant. Today I will sit with my jaw locked. I will pretend like I am justified in my anger.
Tomorrow I will unpack what has been said and done. I have some decisions to make, some stories to sift through.
I have not been showing up for myself and I am surprised that no one else is either.