Tue. May 17th, 2022

you know as a child when you are unwanted. even when you have a roof over your head and shoes on your feet, you know that you were never meant to be. there are whispers and people stop talking when you come into the room. you never feel like you belong anywhere. you see people being loved but you do not know what that feels like. or what anything feels like.you can guess what loneliness feels like but since you have only felt this one way, you are not sure what it is.

you do not know how to feel comfortable. you are always on high alert. safety is not something you know exists. security is a lullaby you dream of in the rare instances you sleep. you never cry or show fear or sadness because who would care anyway? there is no one to hold you or tell you that everything is going to be alright so displaying emotions of any kind would be a waste of energy.

how could you bring your own unwanted children into this world knowing what their fates would be? letting another generation of unloved humans navigate this barren of forgiveness planet to be abused or raped or…

Worse?

there is always someone lingering in the shadows waiting to take advantage and leave you worse off. never to take responsibility for the havoc they create

but there never seems to be anyone that comes along to love the unloveable and the unwanted.

why

there is so much beauty in this world that I will never experience