As we unpack the hurt so we can leave it behind, we remember how things unravelled. The questions we will never quite understand the answers to, the apologies we will not get, the promises that will never be honoured & the hope of kindness lays sadly on the pile of unnecessarily hurtful comments and gestures.
If you do not believe that things can move on and be better, who will? If you do not think that people are inherently moral who are you, deep down?
When those texts were sent, I was in so much pain. I had been keeping my hurt from everyone that cared for me because I did not want anyone to know how difficult things had become. I began to believe the treatment I was getting was my own fault. I was not good enough. I was doing something wrong all the time.
How did this happen? I stopped believing in the goodness of people. Life was grim. 2020 was awful. Every slight this man gave me I took personally. He became worse than any human I had ever met. He would disappear without a word and I would think I did something wrong not understanding that he came to me all kinds of fucked up. I thought it was me that was causing the problems that were making him ghost me because he could not communicate. This allowed him to chip away at my self-worth even though we hardly saw each other.
When he would talk to me, HURRAH things are fine, when he was ignoring me, BOO things are rubbish I must have done something awful.
He was not the problem*. I was. I did not have any love for myself. I had this idea that life was only to be lived if someone needed/wanted me.
I do not know if I was always like this or if it was something I eroded into. I am only aware of it in this situation for sure.
I cannot comment on his behaviour towards me with any conviction. I cannot say if he cared or not, used me or not, was a good or bad person. And I am indifferent to the outcome now. I am only thankful for the experience of waking me up.
I mean a memo would have been kinder, but you know.
“Hey girl, you are neglecting yourself! Stay away from fuckbois! If someone says one thing and does the complete opposite, pay attention! Emotionally unavailable men are not attractive – leave them alone! Eat more than once every other day, please! Not all people that lie are assholes, but if they cannot apologise they are assholes. If you find it broken, it is not your job to fix it! You are awesome, do not let anyone or anything tell you otherwise. Now go and eat something, coffee is not food.”
*I know what you are thinking already. Yes, he was the problem, Melinda. He treated you poorly blah blah blah. That is not the point now, is it? If I had any value on myself, would I stay around someone that kept me on this emotional rollercoaster? No. I have to take responsibility for my part in this. You can say he did this or that and you are probably right – but if I stayed knowing that my race, weight, age, autism, nationality, etc, could be causes for him to treat me with disrespect then who is the person that should be ashamed of themselves? Me. Do not expect people to change just because you see good in them. It might be those rose-coloured glasses. People that want you in their lives work to keep you there. If they hurt you, they do what they can to make it right. We are human and we all fuck up. Those that destroy others are parasites. They live off the life of others, consume what they can and move on to another host. They do not care whom they hurt because it is in their nature to feed in the dark undetected. They do not think about joy or love because they are blood-sucking parasites. They just think about their next meal. Consume, consume, consume. They would make a good X-File.
Unless, of course, I was right in the first place – no wait, hear me out:
I once thought that he was an altruistic human. Tender, thoughtful, apt, witty and odd. Hiding his past became consuming, all of what he was burying started coming to the surface and his coping mechanisms that might have helped in the past were failing. Add job stress, covid and the misunderstandings of a text-based relationship (that say you do actually want) plus family issues, friends and what have you.
This relationship adds a new element of stress: exposure. She figures out that you are not exactly who you say you are. She tried talking to you about these topics but you ignore her prods. She writes about these mistruths on her blog – adding the findings with your name. You could ask her to remove them but you do not. That would be admitting that you are reading her blog and well, you cannot do that.
As the problems get worse, she writes more. Her friends get involved. Your name gets tossed around everywhere associated with these lies and bad behaviour. You get angry at her for posting these things not because they are untrue but because people can see what you have done.
You start taking this out on her. You are short with her in conversations. When you get to see her, you are sure to get her home as soon as possible when you are done with her.
It spirals, every bad act gets more tags. You cannot just say that you are sorry. You cannot just explain what is going on. You want it to stop and find her actions immoral but do not see what you are doing as the cause.
You are feeling attacked at every turn. She wants out, you let her go but situations happen that keep you two together. You cannot get free, everything is a nightmare. Still, you cannot see her point of view, she cannot see yours how did this even get started?
I am sorry but I do not think he is a monster.