This week marks five years that I have been “single”. If you had told me that Stephanie was right when back then, I would have scoffed. I had never been without a significant other for more than a few months since I was 13. Five years seemed impossible. She told me shortly after Will died that it would be that long before I found happiness. I remember thinking that she was speaking silliness. There was no way I would be single for that long.
Well, except for some very nice dates and men that were eager to be with me but I was not feeling it and a nearly two year long situationship, she was not wrong. And happiness? What is it, anyway?
It seems like an odd question, but is it? Do you know how to define happiness? Do you think happiness is the same thing to you as it is to others?
What is the point of it all? Does it even make a difference in our lives?
Is it something to be chased? Does anyone really have happiness in their lives? If I said to you, “Wow, that person seems so happy!” would we agree on the same baseline idea of what it looks like?
Happiness is a state, not a trait; in other words, it is not a long-lasting, permanent feature or personality trait, but a more fleeting, changeable state. Happiness is equated with feeling pleasure or contentment, meaning that happiness is not to be confused with joy, ecstasy, bliss, or other more intense feelings. Happiness can be either feeling or showing, meaning that happiness is not necessarily an internal or external experience, but can be both.
Confused yet? Yeah… me too. I suppose I understand happiness as a state. Like wealth being a state and depression being a state so this would be the same. I think I remember pre-2020 I was happy. I practiced a good mental diet and I stayed away from negative humans. I still watched the news and protested & I was certainly “happier” than I have been in the last year or so. What changed?
I tried to make someone else happier. With me? Undecided. And then as time went on, my life no longer had any purpose. I saw myself and my life through that person’s eyes (or my interpretation of it). It was like he came in and put my life into greyscale. I did not notice it until I was struggling to filter the sunshine warm enough.
It was never about us not fitting. It was trying to love someone that could not be bothered to care for their basic needs beyond what needed to be done to keep a roof over their heads LET ALONE LOVE ME IN RETURN. Or have a child or a future. I took it personally because I thought I did something wrong. I thought he did not want my affection when he was screaming for it underneath 310, 410, 900 cubic kilometres of water. All I heard was a, “meh.”
And when he began to spiral, he pushed me away and I got scared. Enter the 3 fates (kidding but not) and everything got out of control. I do not want my freedom from him, exactly, but our situation. It is messy, predictable & miserable. We created a monster and neither of us can be bothered to hunt it down and slay it.
So, I packed up my shit and ran away. I cannot expect anyone to protect me from what will happen next AND I AM NOT PROTECTING HIM ANYMORE. I asked for his help and he left me to fend for myself. He does not want my help anyway.
And that is the gospel truth.