Wed. May 18th, 2022

i have to be quite clear – he is a very darling human. there is something endearing about him that with some cultivation, is probably the holy grail.

but that rearing is tedious. i do not feel like i am getting anything out of it besides sex (which is tremendous, i need to point out. if i was the sort that was only into this kind if thing, this would be plenty, i assure you) and platonic chit chat. he gets so close, he will hold my hand here, or touch me in an intimate but not sexual way there but will shut me down when a conversation begins over here BUT OH DOES HE HAVE WORDS ABOUT HIS EX THO

i like the way he looks at me. he looks at me the way someone looks at a cat they want to pet or a butterfly that flutters by and lands on a flower for a moment in the sun. i like the way he got tired of me being so far away from him so he gathered me up in his arms & we continued chatting about whatever we were talking about that always ended up back at Star Trek or depressing American politics and how they were going to ruin the world.

i do not like that he tells me not to trap things in my head so i talk to him & he does this (watch the timestamp):

how are you supposed to have a conversation with this much assailability without trusting you are being listened to?

i thanked him for being patient with me. he did not reply even though he was online well past one am (i was up getting help with a work problem).

 

i will not put myself in a place to get harmed. he has to show me his cards or i am out.

“wait until you know she is asleep to reply so this conversation will end.”

“ask if she has been vaccinated yet so she can take the bus home so you do not have to take her home so you can go back to bed cause you have no actual intention of going to the make the plans you have but man, you really want to get some sleep but you do not want to be rude…”

*taps fingers on the table*

edit:

5:50 pm, he never did reply to what I said. He just glazed over it and began chatting about babysitting his niece. He has read my post, he knows I am pained by his decisions & that is that. I suppose there is not a tremendous truckload of harm done, I just know that his EQ is that of a very fine gnat.

edited, again:

he said he fell asleep.