Six of Swords. This shows a change for the better. It shows that you will be able to stop focusing on the negative thoughts as well. In some cases, it shows that one of the partners may go through something like a spiritual awakening as well but I don’t feel that this will exactly be the case here. It’s more about you becoming more comfortable with your relationship and your place in each others’ lives.
Judgement. This card shows that you should be prepared to deal with some comments that may come from other people, that may not be all too constructive. If you decide to share how you’ve achieved the results with somebody else, they may be a bit judgmental towards you. I feel that it’s important to keep that in mind because if you keep it in mind, then you won’t feel discouraged when it happens and you will be able to dismiss it very easily. This card, however, is only showing a possibility of this happening. It’s not set in stone so it’s hard to interpret with certainty, by saying that you will for sure share information about your spiritual journey.
Queen of Swords. Expect to be able to meet up with Eirik more. This card definitely shows that you will be able to connect in the physical reality. You will be able to sit down and talk, you will be able to see each other, you will be able to do whatever you want to do together. It also shows that you may notice that he doesn’t exactly tick off all the boxes on your list of traits that your ideal partner should have but you won’t feel like it’s a big deal because these will be minor things!
Enjoy yourself, this is going to be quite a cycle for you!
I have started randomly pacing the floors of my house. I have been lucky to have loads of towels to fold… they keep the hands busy. I went to buy something new to wear but I realised that I have a closet full of things I have hardly worn so nothing looked very appealing. I go to the gym & sweat buckets hoping to soon see a change for my efforts.
I am a nervous wreck, friends.
I have been living off a steady diet of Doritos, chocolate mints & plums (and sour jelly beans when I can find them). I have drunk at least 30 litres of limeade (made with stevia and a hundred limes) because water is boring lately. I cannot sit still (more so than usual) but when I do, I catnap.
My anxiety is messing with my cycle, I think. Either that or my IUD has finally opted to quit halt bleeding as a whole (yay!). I had minimal spotting when I was due this month & I still feel like I am missing something.
Last night I was out howling at the moon.
I can count all of the days out on one hand now. This is what we have been practicing for since we met. The curtain is going to go up soon. I do not know my lines, guys. I am terrified.
“She is not very good at being human. The logistics of life do not hold her interest. She would rather believe people are good and life is beautiful.” Yeah… I am really okay about that being said about me. I think it might have been a jab, but it is the best description of me to date.
Nothing is the same. No steady footholds, no security blankets, constants are not so constant, etc (same as it never was) but I am certain that everything is going to be alright. There is an opportunity for a fresh slate, and maybe that fresh slate is a two-week-old loaf of white bread, but… everything is different. Slightly awkward but aching to be comfortable. The daily grind is sharp and you know you have to cut to feel.
I had started a short story that I morphed into something else. It was to be autobiographical in nature and I was told just to write about something that would be simple.
I decided to write about falling for Eirik. I needed to write about who he was first. This was the paragraph I started with. This was not what I turned in but I thought it was adorable.
He was dwarves to my elves but I could dismiss that because he did not like Star Wars and loved Star Trek. We met on a dating site and we talked nonstop for two weeks. I did not sleep for more than four hours a night and I swear, we were two peas from the same pod. We disagreed on very little and to make the situation even better, we lived in the same neighbourhood. No LDR needed. We were both awkward as shit. His last relationship had been garbage so he was not super crazy about jumping into another one and I was realising that maybe I was not as eager as I thought I was to get into another one (even though Will had been gone for nearly three years at this point). We hung out, talked for hours & hours each time and my god, he was brilliant. I will admit, I did not look at him much because I was so saturated in his brain — I wanted to mind-meld with him, it was insane. I fell for his articulation, his ability TO OUT TALK ME. Then we got high and I saw him. I saw his pretty eyes and his winsome nose and his delicate features and I wondered why I had not been looking at him. I always saw them first. I have been such a shallow bitch, how did I not see how beautiful this man was? His hair was brown and I missed that completely. It could have been blonde or red or shit, he could have been bald as far as I noticed. I was so wrapped up in his intellect, I forgot to pay attention to his physical attributes.
In a way, I think he was like this with me as well? He complimented me once in the whole of our conversations. He told me I was gorgeous but men are often big on this complimenting thing. In months of chat, that was the only time he pointed out my appearance. I think I ignored him (or at the minimum, I said thanks) because I wanted to talk more, not think about that nonsense. We had thoughts to share! Journeys to dream of! Worlds to conquer! Why waste our time with our outer appearances?
It is that first moment when you see that person that was only a still picture and a string of text. That awe that you feel that your face clearly projects. It is the giggles and sighs and blushed cheeks. Or those quiet intermissions when you would rather be kissing them instead of talking. Or the way your heart races when you see them smile (and you know it is directed at you). It is that absentminded fiddling with your shirt or twirling your hair while you wonder what they smell like up close.
I say xyz (personally).
He says abc (generally).
Yet we make a conversation out of it.
It works (mostly).
As soon as I feel like something is falling out of place, he sends me a cat gif, a meow-y video, or a picture of his grill burning to tempt the weather to turn. I do not know how he knows but he always does.
I say to myself, “I feel out of step,”
He says (to me, in my head), “Let me help.”
I reread a conversation we had, trying to understand where I misunderstood, what cues I missed – that is when he popped in (so many hours later) with a bit of cheeky commentary.
Even if it is not alright at this very moment, it will be. Why? All of this even if it is not perfect is acceptable, likable if not lovable & even if it is not exactly as expected, the journey has been so long – maybe wait to see what happens before walking away? (words were stolen from a horrible dream last night. He said, “You are acceptable, not exciting, likable not lovable & you are not exactly what I wanted but I thought if I waited long enough you would turn into what I wanted, anyway, I will walk away so you do not have to. Sorry.” Needless to say, I woke up in tears)
You are not responsible for the way the world moves and shifts, for how situations change, for someone’s choice to walk away or stop believing in something you still have faith in.
We are not in control. We cannot make every little piece of our lives come together. We cannot force people to love like we love or feel what we feel.
You must be responsible for your part, but find peace in knowing there is so much you do not/cannot control. You must find comfort in the acceptance of what is, rather than forever seeking what could have been.
Look back to learn.
Look forward to hope.
Love yourself even when your life is messy. Allow yourself to heal and know that not everything is your fault.
“Overall, I feel that you have nothing to worry about. I feel that he is interested in you and that he does care deeply about you. I also feel that there is love on both sides. There is definitely a lot of deep emotions that are coming to the surface now. It’s only a matter of allowing those emotions to take over, on both sides. I feel that there is some holding back going on here, especially on his side. He may not be expressing his emotions very clearly at times simply because he is not acknowledging them as he should.”
I have been finishing up this semester, watching The Twilight Zone & cleaning up pretty much everything – my Instagram feed (out with hashtags & accounts that feed me politics, social causes & grief. All I want is astrology, cute animals & my loved ones), the basement, my closet, the garden… you know, springtime shit.
I just cannot cope with the dreadful occupations around the world right now. I know too much, I feel even more & I know there is nothing I can do. No one cares about the truth or about history. They just want to rage. I said I would stop feeding the trolls so… I opt out of reading one-sided bi-ops.
It is nice to scroll for a minute again. I do not feel like my head is going to explode when I put my phone down (and I am putting it down, not throwing it across the room).
I am dancing in the shower again, dear hearts.
I can focus on what is going on right here and now. Breathing properly, listening to Digital Underground, catching up with my brood & walking outside longer because it is not getting dark out so early.