the song that never ends

Will has been gone for 4 years today.

He has been out of my life now for longer than he was in it.

We were happy, for awhile. See… I have proof.

If I am honest, I do not remember much of those days. They are buried under the pain that came after. I look at this pictures and I do not even remember what was so funny. Why did we decide to take these photos on this particular day? Why was him eating my head so amusing? It does not even bring a smile to my face right now. It just makes me feel… blank. It has been so long since he & I were together that this seems like another version of me. One that took pictures with her boyfriend and smiled.

I wish he had not died. I wish he could see how amazing Bowie is. I wish he would have gotten some help and lived a deliriously joyful life. I wish he was around to love his parents. I miss playing board games with him or asking him which superhero would beat whom. No one plays this game with me anymore. No one cares about the stupid shit I go on about – I mean he did not either but at least he would pretend to while he was drawing or playing a game.

I lost my best friend when he died. I have been so fucking alone.

Fuck mental illness. Fuck suicide.

You are missed, Will.

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