about to miss everything

Reading some newer ADHD studies and focusing on the children involved, I wonder how I was dismissed for so long. I mean, I get it, I was trained to be “a good girl”. I stayed out of trouble. I only disrupted the class when I was bored. I was not like my brother that was ALWAYS. IN. TROUBLE. If Will had not come into my life and left the way he did, would I have ever found out what was under my mask? Would I have worn it forever? Would I have hopped from therapist to therapist looking for a cure for the rest of my life? Would I have suffered in mediocre relationships, looking for something that… almost felt like an emotion but never quite got there? Maybe someone that could connect with me on one circuit on this blinking fucking wonderboard? Hoping for maybe, perhaps, I could die knowing that a handful of people knew me well enough to say that sometimes I was, “not so bad” (“but man, she was so weird sometimes”).

Connecting and being seen, heard, and my god, loved is a right that we all have yet it has been elusive for me. This armed fortress I have created to keep me from being harmed was breached so I could let in a few choice humans but that weakened spot also let in fear, doubt, and a light dusting of delight.

do you know
I count your heartbeats before you sleep

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