i bite my fingernails to bone

Let me explain this last week:

Monday: I opened up my applications and my phone told me to update WhatsApp. I was like, huh? I uninstalled it. I shrugged it off.

Tuesday: I got several messages asking me why I was not on WhatsApp. I did not put together the issue quite yet.

Wednesday: I had a dream that Eirik and I were both texting each other but neither of us were sending the messages to the right number so we thought the other one had just stopped talking to the other.

Thursday: I was sitting in the hallway outside the therapist and one of the doctors had Eirik’s ringtone as her alarm tone. She let it go off for a good 30-45 seconds. I felt tears well up behind my eyes. By now it has been more than a week since I had heard it. No one uses this tone and most people use the alarm tone, right? A moment after she shuts it off, someone else walks by and their WhatsApp tones off Hege’s tone several times. My eye twitches.

Friday: While listening to an instructional video on my social studies class, the teacher’s phone goes off. Guess what tone it is? You betcha.

I went upstairs and reinstalled WhatsApp. Eirik’s photo and status message was gone. I realised that he had deleted me from his contacts list. I felt nauseated.

The room got spin-y and my knees did this shaky thing and I wondered if I was going to vomit.

I sent him a message. I do not recall exactly what I said but wow I was not feeling right. Something about him leaving without saying anything. Mind you, I sent him that text that he never replied to.

He answered me pretty quickly.

He said he did not take me off his list. He took a screenshot with me in his list. He defended himself properly. He thought I had blocked him because my name disappeared from his list.

He thought I left him without saying a word.

The broadcast I made before I left did not go through. I must have deleted my account too quickly after sending it.

His photo came back but his status message never did… but neither did several others. Lucky it did not because I would have never messaged him. I would not have known that he thought I let him go. I would not have known that he did not get my text.

Fucking technology.

🤦🏽‍♀️

I was unable to eat properly yesterday. I ended my day in the tub to bring my anxiety down.

I did not get to sleep until after 2 and Bowie woke me up at 6.

I need to take a nap until class starts.

Nothing with this situation is ever easy, is it? 😖

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