I need to step back a moment and reflect on this. Too many people see this as a problem for it not to be. I am too close to it, I am prone to idealising situations & underestimating the damage they are causing. I feel that I am being undervalued, true. But when I am in the spotlight, I feel lovely. Sadly, those days are not enough for me to defend this vigorously enough anymore. Yes, the days or words are greater now than they were this time last year but come on now, we are in a MUCH different place than were last year.
I would like to mention, however, when he shut me off last year, he was vigorous in his conversations with others. He was always online. Now he is on, but just a bit. It is not like he is on for hours & hours like he was before (not that I have noticed. If I am talking to someone else, I might see him come on once, maybe twice all night). So, I know he is ignoring me, leaving me unread for days, which I loathe (“hey? I am busy/tired, talk later?” Fuck, why is that hard? You obviously have the ability to talk to someone else.) but it is not a full-scale Friday night party. He often contacts me on the weekend for a bit, talks to me until Tuesday & disappears for the rest of the week again for no real reason.
He knows I hate this and for no other reason, he should not be doing it.
I want out, guys. I know, I know, hang in there but what about me? I do and do for him but what does he do for me?
He does nothing for me. I play by his rules 100% of the time.
I want a sense of stability & normalcy back in my life… even if that means I will be alone.
GOD DAMN IT I AM ALONE EVERY FUCKING NIGHT ANYWAY.
I have never been more alone than I have been since I met Eirik. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
At least this way I would be alone because I chose it. Not because I was bound by loyalty.
Fuck, how do I get myself into these situations? Better than that, how do I get myself out of it?