tubin’ on tiogue

I have been silent for a few days. Words have felt strange to post here. People have been coming here every few hours from facebook (waiting for me to say something?). My uncle has died and I am unsure what words are expected out of me. I will not bad-mouth the man hours after he died out of respect for the people he left behind. Those people, my aunt & my cousins, I love quite a bit. I know they will go through different stages of their own grief so my complicated story with their father (ex-husband) is neither here nor there. I did not feel anything besides sadness when my aunt told me that he had passed. I was not sad that he was gone – he was not part of my life anyway – I was sad that one more part of my childhood had crumbled away into the sea never to have an explanation.

Have I wondered if he sent my mother cards saying, “thanks for having black kids to take all the heat off of my wrongdoings! You are the best sister anyone could have ever had! kisses!” Of course, I have. Did I expect that he would apologise to me or Nick? Yeah, I did. How can a person go through their lives knowing how much damage they have done? My brother went to jail because of him. My relationship with my mother was strained beyond repair due to his awful conduct. My childhood was lived in prison because no one trusted us because of him. He stole from everyone in our family and Nick and I took the blame. We were treated like criminals at a separate table, while he sat at the family table eating three plates of food while we just watched. Biracial children in a family of fucking racists – we never stood a chance. And my uncle exploited that to his full advantage. I wonder where my family thought all of the stuff went that we stole? What were four and five year old going to do with jewelry? Cash? Pills? Checks? I never did understand that. Toys, snacks, maybe a salt shaker? But when you emptied our pockets and they were empty, what did you think we did, hmm? Did we pass it on to Hector, the Hispanic pre-schooler that we quickly rang up to meet us in the backwoods of Coventry, RI to get the drop? That is right, y’all, Nick and I have been part of an elite baby mafia since BIRTH. All coloured kids are dontchaknow.

I think everyone knew it was him or my mother but it was easier to blame us. Looking back on it with adult eyes, it does not make much sense to think otherwise. They knew my mother was a prostitute hanging out with shady people and my uncle, well, was always up to something. Better to blame them negros than to point fingers at their siblings.

How any self-respecting adult could let that happen is beyond me? How the married-in people (my aunts) or the non-related spectators could let children be on trial all the time shows you how gorilla courts run amok. Oh, the abuse is gross.

People ask me why I do not just give up the ghost and talk to my mother. This is a lot of the reason why – SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US.

SHE FED US TO THEM.

My skin colour, my gender, my inability to understand or defend myself is not just cause for what I was put through. My family acted like animals. This particular uncle was the worst. My story is just one of many.

Humans are not often kind, unfortunately. The least I could do is take my pain and make the air a bit easier to breathe.

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fear addicted

I always have this idea that packing my shit and walking away is the right thing to do even when I have no idea what is going on. Should I ask what is going on? Should I sit tight and wait it out? Nope, zip up that suitcase real tight and lace up your boots, girl, no one is going to hurt you not ever again. Go. Run. Read about what happened later.

Do you see how fucking adorable this face is?

Why do you insist on walking away from him? You hear what he is saying yet you act like every slight is personal.

Chill. The. Hell. Out.

Please? He is darling. And no one has had the patience for your fire starting ass like he has.

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tiresome paper dreams

note well ♡
you are not:
-your clothing size.
-whatever your ex said about you.
-(in that case) the residue of your last relationship.
-just a parent, spouse, sibling, worker-bee, care-giver, tax-payer, taker-uper of space.
-what you purchase, how much you consume, what you own, et cetera.
-your age, social status, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, diet preference, political standing, or religion.
-your disorder or disability.
-alone.

 

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love don’t come easy

Caleb & I had a conversation (I say conversation loosely because he was mostly monologuing at me) about how I do not listen and how I listen to women who hate men unless these men are basically women in boxer briefs (I swear that is how he worded it). He told me to spend a few minutes a day going backwards and reading what he has said with the idea that he has always thought that we were already a thing. Then Dawn said it. Then I remembered a few things he said to me when we were together. And in the beginning how he worded things.

And fuck I knew this sort of but I dismissed it because I needed to hear it from him right?

So, he went on asking me how old I thought we were? 12? Maybe 15? Did we need to be Facebook official before I stopped collecting guys for my harem (which made me laugh myself into hysterics). “What does he need to do, Mindy-Lu, before you start listening to him? He deserves the peace prize for dealing with you.”

I am afraid I do not disagree.

If you guys are all correct (and after spending the last five days re-reading his words, I am a bit embarrassed), I have not been very good to him. I mean, of course, he could have communicated better. I did tell him many times that I did not understand – but I have my issues and so does he.

Yikes & double yikes.

I do not know exactly how to bring this up but I have a feeling it will come up on its own. Hopefully before we end up repeating ourselves again.

You know, for two very clever humans, we are both quite dumb. 🥸

(this is the first day of my life)

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the one

I got roped into watching The One early tonight and the concept was very Black Mirror-y & it freaked me out. Why would you want to break up a relationship that works for a fairy-tale concept? I mean, sure, if you are single or not happy I get it but if you are in love already why fuck up something good?

I do not think this is far-fetched. I do think people would do this. It could cost thousands of dollars and if it gave those kinds of results, I believe people would leave happy marriages for fuck-fests.

Newness is very attractive to a lot of people.

Me? Not so much. I want to skip to the being comfortable with you phase. Wearing my hair messy and eating popcorn out of the bowl with my tongue (cause I am classy). The nerves that need to be placated with booze just so I can sit in the same room with you gets tedious.

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touch me (and I’ll break your face)

So, I listen to Mick Gordon A LOT. The past few weeks, I have noticed that when any of the Doom soundtrack comes on, I feel sort of odd. I did not understand why. I was weeding out my last.fm scrobbles & noticed this:

My memories from this night are hazy at best. But at least I know that we were listening to Sir Gordon so that is why when I hear it, it goes straight to my pants 😂

It is strange that even when your conscious does not remember something, your subconscious does.

I remember some, of course. It is not a black out. I remember putting Mick on. I remember having tremors. I kept hoping he did not notice. I recall my head hurting like something awful. Also, I remember wiping my lipstick off of my face and wondering how he escaped wearing it. I wondered if I stood up to kiss him if I would have to stand on my toes. There are whispers that flutter around my head during the day with the background of industrial gaming music.

“Ouch, no teeth in the fingernail.”

Peppermints.

Sleeping fitfully but warm and happy. I had a seizure but I do not think he woke up. I felt awful physically but I was so cosy.

I guess these memories take up a few hours. I cannot tell you what we talked about.

Drug interactions are no joke.

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Dawn says,

Your patience will pay off and yes you will in time become a committed couple and know that yourself as in his eyes you are he just lives in a little different world of his own. They say the fact he is taking time is a sign and they say you have had and will continue to receive many. 

They say this visit will in many ways mark the end of a tough cycle. They say you are close to receiving your goals.

They do say one of the greatest gifts is when we accept what we cannot change in other words either accept things as they are or move on. They say you will reach an amicable way of being to both of you.

They say communication is key. Hold your vision.

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I am not dissing my abilities

I was directed to a documentary about people with disabilities that were in relationships. It made me think, a lot, about how people have treated me in relationships. Thomas pointed out how much I was like Phoebe from a stupid 90s show he liked. I watched the show, four seasons of it, needing to understand why he would say that. She was naïve and cutesy. She was the butt of everyone’s joke.

I have been called Luna Lovegood on so many occasions I cannot even count. Rain(wo)man. Every manic pixie girl sidekick you can think of. “Hey, you remind me of (insert crazy but whimsical best friend of some main character in a fictional story.)”

“Yeah? But why would you say that?”

“Because you do the weirdest, most clever/adorable, unpredictable shit.”

What I should say here (but never thought about it until now) is, “or maybe you are just basic af.”

The comebacks you think about decades later.

Eirik is the only person that has not obviously treated me like I am different. But he also lives in his own little la-la land retreat so that would be the pot calling the kettle a kitchen appliance.

Birds of a feather?

Whatever. I am going to bed.

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invest a dime

Podcast recording day. The topic is not surprisingly: ghosting. I am taking up the side of understanding the ghoster. In this last year, I needed to understand my own situation so I went looking for answers to my friends’ unanswered messages, blocked accounts & ghosted loved ones. Here is a brief look at what I found: sometimes people hurt us in these ways because they do not understand the extent of their own hurt.

Sometimes, people are avoidant, and they cannot handle closeness or conflict, they cannot handle the consequences to their actions, and instead of sitting with that, instead of learning how to heal that, learning how to accept good love, they choose external validation, they choose flightiness, they choose one foot out the door, they justify their actions, they avoid being deeply honest with themselves, and in turn it justifies them not having to be honest with you.

When you are inundated with options, and choices, and you have the capacity to almost shop around at all times, when you have access to all of these human beings, to all of that potential, the value of each option is diminished. If you just had to choose between two people, just two people to potentially give your heart to, they would hold a heavy amount of value in your life. But if you start adding in hundreds of people to the pool, if you start adding in all of those options, the value diminishes.

This is not to say that each person does not hold within them deep worthiness, but in the eyes of someone who might be approaching these people, in the back of their mind, they know that they can always find someone new. And I think that that is deeply affecting the way that we interact with one another. I think it is deeply affecting the way we connect, and the way that we stay present in these connections. Because how can you truly be present with someone if you are also, trying to stay fully, 100% present with a handful of other people? We promise our love, and our time, and our effort and our energy, to so many human beings, and in the end, because of that, because we have always had one foot out the door, it is easy to leave. To just walk away. Nothing is special anymore.

The ghosters that I have kept up with admit that they know they will end up alone because they cannot make a decision. When you bring up how heartbreaking it is to be ghosted, they do what they can to change the subject. Every single one of them. No responsibility can be taken so in summary to those that will hear it later anyway – this is not about you. This is all about them.

I went searching for a way to help, a way to end the silences that kept plaguing my life. Now I understand that it was nothing I could modify. If you are sitting with all of your feeling right now, if your heart is aching because you just do not understand why you were not given any closure, I want you to understand that sometimes for human beings the difficult conversations are often the ones that are avoided with such intensity because they require a willingness to take responsibility for the way they are are affecting another person, they require this emotional intelligence that allows for them to do the hard thing, even if the impact of their actions or their honesty breaks someone’s heart. And no one wants to do that.

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