Tue. May 17th, 2022

and then I realised that the problem is that I am not really positive that I am equipped to make a decision.

1. do you love him? yes.

2. do you trust him? I could not say yes to the first question without saying yes to this one.

3. are you attached to him? not exactly. If you mean attached like, I cannot live my life without him, not at all. I have been talking to other people since, you know, we have never really been a couple. I have been honest with everyone that I have been seeing that I had this complicated thing going on, so I was not being dishonest. I have not lied to him either. I was not going to stop living my life while he was sorting out what he wanted. It would have been one thing if he kept me in his life he whole time but half of the time he was not talking to me. It seemed mental to sit on my hands and wait around.

4. do you see yourself living with him/see him in your future? this is not something that I do well, no. He is hard to place in my life but not because I do not want him there. Every time I attempt to think about what it would be like to live an ordinary life with him, the thoughts freeze up. I can see us having tea, for instance, at the table messy headed in the morning with toast or something. Try to add more than a bit of conversation about something trivial and I giggle and lose it and start thinking about what I have to do for the day. We have known each other for a long time but we have not spent very much physical time together. Him in my future is a text box.

5. do you think he sees the same in you? I do not know. We have not talked about the future much.

I know enough about this situation to know that it runs in cycles: he is all about me, wants to talk to me all the time, want to see me. Then he ignores me for a month. Then the conversation starts up again, slowly, platonically and then it is spotty and a month or four later, it picks up again. There is nothing consistent about it. I know there are factors behind his behaviour and I am not dismissing them. It is difficult to live through not knowing where you stand with someone when you have people that come into your life that want to be with you, that offer you stability & do not have anything but adoration for you.

Is it exactly what I want?

Do I want to do this forever?