Wed. May 18th, 2022

It is not difficult for me to connect to people. The trying part is staying interested. People are boring. Yes, let us talk about your day. Okay, and your job. That is cool for a few minutes of each conversation… but what about your desires for bettering yourself? How do you feel about the direction humanity is taking? Tell me about your favourite song, film, childhood memory… or your best friend, how it felt the first time you fell in love or the first fist fight you got into. Yeah, okay, tell me that you think I am beautiful. I like to hear it like anyone else does but ten times in an hour? Do you think it gives you points? You are not going to get me in bed that way, I can assure you of that. Do you know what turns me on? Knowledge. Intimacy. Safety. Laughter.

Flattery? Meh.

It just shows me that you have nothing else to add to the cabbage soup but more cabbage.

This is where I got so many mixed signals with Eirik. He gave me his text book knowledge & we laughed so much which fed me loads but he held out everywhere else. I thought the others would come naturally but they just… did not. Or as they did, he pushed me away.

So, I get pieces from others, the hints of intimacy & safety without knowledge.

sigh.

It will be right one of these days. I will not sell myself short until I get them all.