Tue. May 17th, 2022

The U.S. is full of white terrorism and from the newest detritus stemmed a conversation that I am not sure I am comfortable having so here we are:

A prominent family member of mine told me that my biggest flaw was my need to be loved by white people. She told me that they were never going to see me as “one of them”. I was still black enough to be beneath them. Even though I was “smarter than three of them combined”. I could collect all of the “fancy diplomas I wanted”, she said. I was never going to good enough for them. I was always going to amount to a domestic, maybe a short-term romp, an infatuation (because I was “awfully pretty”, she said) but never ever expect to be taken seriously by one of those white men. They will use you and discard you like “yesterdays newspaper”.

I rolled my eyes. I was not very old then and I thought her advice was from a different time.

Unfortunately, she has not been wrong. I have not been treated like my white girlfriends, not by far. Even when I do the research, after the fact, the way my exes treated the other women they have been with, they have treated them very different than they have treated me. Even if said ex-girlfriend was horrible to them.

They tend to treat me with a different level of (dis) respect. I am more likely to be cheated on, lied to, stolen from, ignored, given a different level of commitment and less likely to featured on their social media.

I only noticed this when it was pointed out now. Little things have been niggling at my some of my friends. “Why did he -“, “Why did he not -“, and these sort of things, and though I may have thought about it when it was happening, I pushed it aside and dealt with the present. The past is gone, right?

When picked at, you find patterns that are important if you need them to be. Are all white people bigoted?

I was told to watch out for Norwegian guys that only date foreign women. They do this because they know that Norwegian women expect to be treated with dignity and respect… and they cannot be bothered to give anyone that (oftentimes not even themselves). They are generally the typical man-child sorts and they look for women that already have low-self esteem and they come from poor countries so they are thrilled to be anywhere besides where they are. They have no life plan, no motivation to do much besides play video games and watch porn. The relationships they have had have crashed and burned because they cannot commit to anything (and they probably got into the relationship because she wanted to, not by his pursuit) so importing a foreign woman is excellent – minimal work for maximum output. You do not have to compliment or respect her all that much plus she will cook and clean for you. You do not need to love her, just like her enough to keep her engaged so you can fuck her every once and awhile. If you find one that is kind, she might even love you and treat you with respect.

Though that might get annoying and make you feel smothered, right?

I just finished this group chat and I have to tell you… I feel sick. You think you know people and that you trust them just to wonder what they are really up to and why they are so…

distant. Is it because they are slimy and awful? Perhaps. Have they always been that way but your eternal optimism sees them as loving but struggling?

How much does it matter? Communication is a two-way street, not a fucking Oujia Board (though it does make for good entertainment).