This has been writing itself for months. Dying to the old man has been a process that I have been fighting and I have no idea why. I suppose the old story has been all I have had. Without it, I have to build everything all over again – granted this is better than what I have. What I have had is full of holes & disappointment. Rebuilding gives me the opportunity to finally have what I want. But that is not without its issues, too. I have never had what I have wanted. I have tried to define this several times to no avail. Yesterday, I finally had the strength to walk away from people that were not serving me. They were either silent or villains in some way but I kept them in my life because I felt obligated. Today, I woke up feeling free in a way I cannot explain. I set boundaries and stuck to them. I said, “speak up or forever hold your peace.”
And I meant it.
It is not that I do not care about these people. Some of them I have known since I was a child. But I am tired of fair-weather friends. I have no room in my life for people that can only take. If you want to be part of my life, you need to pour into my cup.
This wrote itself.
I am someone new now, someone who is happy, someone is loved, secure, beautiful, healthy & someone who is always getting what she wants.
What does it mean that I am someone new now?
It means that I do not stress the small things. I know that I have what I want. I am who I want to be: loved, wanted, desired, smart, talented, driven, beautiful, independent, & hopeful.
What does it feel like to be secure?
Accepting life on life’s terms. Being the recipient of presence. Learning to vulnerable. Learning to forgive myself. Making peace with suffering. Accepting my mortality. Learn to give myself credit. Sharing my failures. Staying disconnected from the virtual world and focus solely on my ‘reality’. Learn to ask questions without the fear of feeling stupid. Having boundaries and keeping them. Having financial security.
What does it feel like to be beautiful?
Looking in the mirror and loving the human that is staring back at me – every freckle, birth mark, wrinkle & flaw included even if no one else is complimenting me. No one else’s opinion matters besides mine. I know I am simply gorgeous without the words of another human because I know the songs my soul sings without the façade of the skin I live in.
What does it feel like to be healthy?
To be able to eat whatever I want. To get energy from all that I consume. To stretch my limbs to the sky and breathe and sigh and writhe and smile widely. To run and feel the strength and burn as I catch more and more speed and I only slow when I am ready to. To sleep soundly at night and to wake rested every morning.
What does happiness look like?
Knowing every single moment of every day that it is done. I do not need to lift a finger. Creation is perfect. Once I have desired it, it is mine. I do not need to beg or plead to have it. I do not need to manipulate anyone or do a thousand affirmations or techniques to make it so. Everything is perfect as long as I have faith. In that faith comes peace. In that peace? Joy. You cannot live in two states at once. You cannot want something and expected it to come and you will be happy – your happiness only exists when you know you have it and you enjoy it & its certainty. If you still say, “I am praying for this, or manifesting this, or hoping for this”, you are not happy, are you? You are waiting for it to arrive or looking for the proper tools to make it come to you instead of looking inside of you where it has been all along.
Close your eyes. Imagine what you desire. Feel it real. Feel how happy it makes you. When you open your eyes again, keep that feeling close to you – that feeling is the secret. That is your key to happiness. Remembering how you felt when you connected to your desire.
Connect to it multiple times a day and when you are falling asleep. Remember how delicious that feeling was.
Choose happiness in your reality instead of whatever you are feeling right now.
That desire you have will appear in your life as long as you believe that it is yours.
Happiness feels like the wish fulfilled. Knowing that I have whatever I want when I want it because I am made of pure love. Sometimes when I close my eyes and think of what I want, I can smell it, taste it, feel it so vividly that I know I am there.
So when these situations show up in my life, I am not surprised. I am delighted. I rejoice and give thanks because I know I kept faith in myself and I persisted.
I am someone new now. I am someone that chooses happiness.
What does is it that I want?
I want to have absolute freedom. I want to hop in my car and drive for hours to a new place I have never been and set up a tent in a forest and sleep under the stars and wrap my arms around my lover and kiss him warmly before we drift off into a peaceful slumber. I want to be a wife to a man that cannot imagine living his life without me. I want to make delicious foods for people that rave about how fantastic of a creator I am. I want to write stories and poems that move people into tears because they remember when they once felt like this too. I want to be held tightly everyday because I am so loved by another grown human that cannot keep his hands off of me. I want a love affair that I can write about in volumes. I want to swim in the sea every summer for the rest of my life. I want a van or a camper to sleep in when suburban life gets stuffy. I want a house that has so many plants that it feels like a rainforest. I want happy and prosperous children that adore their lives so much that people think that they are slightly insane. I want to learn a little bit about everything. Every topic that can be taught I want to know at least an outline about. I want to conquer advanced maths and fiddly obscure sciences that are totally useless in my daily applications. I want to live every year of my life in a different philosophy just to learn how to think differently. I want to wake up every morning and need to pinch myself because I do not understand that this is real life because it feels like a dream it is so brilliantly deliciously perfect.