teenage girls with esp

I was thinking today that I would start a cult. I am bored and I do not have much else to do today. Here are the easy steps:

1. Begin by creating your own reality.
2. Get my followers to understand that I am the only link to our salvation.
3. Remind my flock to give me all of their stuff, we do not need anything in our new reality.
4. I will need to keep new stories circulating about how amazing I am. No one wants a lacklustre cult leader!
5. Everyone needs to bring a friend and one family member – at least. The more people the merrier but only after they have been tested for covid and all std’s because cult members are skanky and I know you bitches are gonna be humping.
6. When you are not screwing like rabbits, I will have you doing cool shit all the damn time because we have a planet to save. Conscious manifesting day in & day out. Alan Watts will be playing in one room, deadmaus in another. It is going to be so cool. Meditate here, raving over here. Guuuys, I am on to something.
7. Look, these fucking idiots have ruined everything. People hate each other for how one person votes, how another person’s skin colour looks under their shirtsleeves, who they love, how they fuck, where they live, where they get their money from… we can fix this shit by thinking this planet straight. Join me, dear hearts. We are blessed. WE ARE THE CHOSEN ONES.

creepy how easy that is, huh?

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mother goosed

The assignment was to rewrite/analyse a classic fairy tale. I settled on Georgy Porgy.

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,

 Kissed the girls and made them cry,
 When the boys came out to play,
 Georgie Porgie ran away.

Let us be honest, yeah? Georgie Porgie was engaging in sexual assault. He was a budding rapist. Those boys saved the girls from further danger. He lured them in with treats and tried to make them feel like they owed him something.

Bastard. Classic “boys will be boys”.

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we got machines but the kids got jesus

Yesterday, yeesh.

Today started a conversation that made me feel a little better, I guess.
Why would you want to be with someone that you did not know anything about? Or care to learn about?

I have been talking to someone for the past couple of months and he inquired about me. He will listen to music if I send it to him and will watch shows that I talk about if he has not already seen them. It was odd for me to have him do that… I have gotten accustomed to being brushed off for so long that I forgot that this is normal.

Know your persons’ fandoms!

How does anyone hang out with me and not Gerard Way? At the minimum one would need to have read/watch The Umbrella Academy. I use so many quotes from that series it is unreal. And MCR? To be around me is to live in the early 2000s and get a bit of eyeliner on you somewhere.

Yeah, it has its moments.

I am certainly more sci-fi than emo but the stripes and plaid have made themselves cosy in my life again. Something about twenty twenty revamped the angst & The Return of the too-short skirts and mismatched fabrics & screamy darling guys that you can tap your toes to while teasing your hair up to the heavens (but leaving your fringe out, never expose your forehead, duh).

Everyone deals with stress in their own way. I guess this was mine? Excessive Grudge Cat, cheese & crackers, depressing poetry, comic books, screamo, manga-fairytales & George Carlin.

Yup. This is where I have brought myself.

And fuck it, I am having a very agreeable time.

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ions

When we sit with a pen and paper and write down a few things that we want in each area of our lives (career, relationship, health, whathaveyou) you will have an idea of what your non-negotiables are and you should stick to them.

There are things that you would like but are okay if they never happen and the stuff that you are striving quite diligently for.

I decided after Eirik went quiet this last time that I was not going to be the one that started the conversation this time. It was a matter of principle. He shut me off, he could come back. If he does not, so be it.

Which is why I started dating again. And with earnest this time. Not the way I have in the past but actually opening to people and letting them know why I was holding them at arms length.

It is because of him.

As the days get further and further apart from us talking, I feel better about us not talking. It is not like it was before. I care for him and I want nothing but the world for him… but I want the same for myself. My life has to be lived to the fullest for me to be happy and assuming that he is going to show up at my door any minute now is not helping me in anyway.

I do not want anyone in my life that is not actively securing their place by my side. Seems pretty pointless. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I have given him more leeway than I have given anyone. Like… ever. I understood that he was going through some shit.

But this last time he poofed out of my timeline with no warning, no reason & I am not okay with this. It has been nearly a month since he has said a peep.

That is it for me.

(edit: well then Oslo went on a lockdown and then I got worried that we would too and that he would get trapped on that grey fucking island again so I sent him a message to see if he was okay. I am not a monster. He is safe yeah? Safe. Phew.)

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reality blending

I am in the process of making a better subscription service on here so I can have group chats and a place for my writing group. I dislike Whatsapp and I desire a nice place to have my girls to roam freely without being harassed.

Within an hour of publishing it, I started to get perfect strangers signing up for it. Now, I understand that is how these things work but I am pretty sure some of them are bots. Which is odd because I have those bitches locked up with them spiders.

Sure, there are a couple of fishy proxy users but this is nothing like that. I am fairly sure the vpn hiders are just people that want to know what I am up to but think they are slick enough to hide their location and I will not notice. Hey guys? I do not know anyone in France. You stick out like a sore thumb. Try a different part of Norway, or the U.S. or perhaps the U.K.? Dumbasses.

Anyway, I will make a post when I am done sussing out the particulars. I thought I was going to be done today but I have been under the weather. I had the biggest seizure I have ever had in my life this evening and the previous hours leading up to it I was nauseated and all-around-gross. I have burning myself at both ends these days – writing, not sleeping, homeschooling, stress and, um. Hmm. There is another pesky health issue that I am not going to get into here and if it becomes a “thing” I will post about it but right now, I am going to leave that alone – just know it was an ingredient into the stew that boiled over and woah what a jumbled mess of twitching limbs I was.

That was about an hour ago and now the colour is starting to come back to my skin. I am going to head to bed now, I only ended up here when I noticed my influx of random subscribers.

Hello! Who are you? And yes, I made your account status pending because I none of you showed up on my ip counter which means trouble. Usually. Unless you are a ghost. And then you could be anyone! …. Hendrix? Gramma?

Eirik?

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main contract

In another window I am writing this:

What is the main contract of the story? You must resolve the promises you made to your reader by the end of the novel.

Woah. This is huge, guys. You must resolve the promises you made

Well, I need to make those promises wisely, huh? I have my two main characters developed… my protagonist has been labelled with flaws and likes and dislikes. I am creating an arc for this character to tap dance all over. My second main character is my antagonist but just barely. They are a match for them but I have not yet decided if they are there to destroy or to bring harmony or to fizzle out altogether.

And then I have to decide if this ends up in science fiction or fantasy. I guess it will be science fiction because of the time travel? Hrm, I guess that is standard.

I am stalling – back to work!

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Day one, Week one: Creative Writing.

So… I said I would do it and I am.
I am starting the novel. My goal is approximately 50k for a total word count. Today I wrote the concept, the logline and the dramatic question. I have two major characters that will be working around a few minor characters. They have been named and oh boy

I have been pacing around my table for hours.

So, if I fall silent here it is because I am giving everything there. I also keep two paper journals… I do not know how many words I really have. I suppose I will know soon enough.

Phew. I am beat, friends. Add to this pot that the kids have been home due to quarantine so I needed to keep them afloat as well… I think I did a reasonable job, indeed!

I need a good brisk walk to clear my head. I was going to pull some cards but I do not think I have anything constructive to ask. Everything is done. Everything is well.

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putting the baby out the with bath water

This has been writing itself for months. Dying to the old man has been a process that I have been fighting and I have no idea why. I suppose the old story has been all I have had. Without it, I have to build everything all over again – granted this is better than what I have. What I have had is full of holes & disappointment. Rebuilding gives me the opportunity to finally have what I want. But that is not without its issues, too. I have never had what I have wanted. I have tried to define this several times to no avail. Yesterday, I finally had the strength to walk away from people that were not serving me. They were either silent or villains in some way but I kept them in my life because I felt obligated. Today, I woke up feeling free in a way I cannot explain. I set boundaries and stuck to them. I said, “speak up or forever hold your peace.”

And I meant it.

It is not that I do not care about these people. Some of them I have known since I was a child. But I am tired of fair-weather friends. I have no room in my life for people that can only take. If you want to be part of my life, you need to pour into my cup.

This wrote itself.

I am someone new now, someone who is happy, someone is loved, secure, beautiful, healthy & someone who is always getting what she wants.

What does it mean that I am someone new now?

It means that I do not stress the small things. I know that I have what I want. I am who I want to be: loved, wanted, desired, smart, talented, driven, beautiful, independent, & hopeful.

What does it feel like to be secure?

Accepting life on life’s terms. Being the recipient of presence. Learning to vulnerable. Learning to forgive myself. Making peace with suffering. Accepting my mortality. Learn to give myself credit. Sharing my failures. Staying disconnected from the virtual world and focus solely on my ‘reality’. Learn to ask questions without the fear of feeling stupid. Having boundaries and keeping them. Having financial security.

What does it feel like to be beautiful?

Looking in the mirror and loving the human that is staring back at me – every freckle, birth mark, wrinkle & flaw included even if no one else is complimenting me. No one else’s opinion matters besides mine. I know I am simply gorgeous without the words of another human because I know the songs my soul sings without the façade of the skin I live in.

What does it feel like to be healthy?

To be able to eat whatever I want. To get energy from all that I consume. To stretch my limbs to the sky and breathe and sigh and writhe and smile widely. To run and feel the strength and burn as I catch more and more speed and I only slow when I am ready to. To sleep soundly at night and to wake rested every morning.

What does happiness look like?

Knowing every single moment of every day that it is done. I do not need to lift a finger. Creation is perfect. Once I have desired it, it is mine. I do not need to beg or plead to have it. I do not need to manipulate anyone or do a thousand affirmations or techniques to make it so. Everything is perfect as long as I have faith. In that faith comes peace. In that peace? Joy. You cannot live in two states at once. You cannot want something and expected it to come and you will be happy – your happiness only exists when you know you have it and you enjoy it & its certainty. If you still say, “I am praying for this, or manifesting this, or hoping for this”, you are not happy, are you? You are waiting for it to arrive or looking for the proper tools to make it come to you instead of looking inside of you where it has been all along.

Close your eyes. Imagine what you desire. Feel it real. Feel how happy it makes you. When you open your eyes again, keep that feeling close to you – that feeling is the secret. That is your key to happiness. Remembering how you felt when you connected to your desire.

Connect to it multiple times a day and when you are falling asleep. Remember how delicious that feeling was.

Choose happiness in your reality instead of whatever you are feeling right now.

That desire you have will appear in your life as long as you believe that it is yours.

Happiness feels like the wish fulfilled. Knowing that I have whatever I want when I want it because I am made of pure love. Sometimes when I close my eyes and think of what I want, I can smell it, taste it, feel it so vividly that I know I am there.

So when these situations show up in my life, I am not surprised. I am delighted. I rejoice and give thanks because I know I kept faith in myself and I persisted.

I am someone new now. I am someone that chooses happiness.

What does is it that I want?

I want to have absolute freedom. I want to hop in my car and drive for hours to a new place I have never been and set up a tent in a forest and sleep under the stars and wrap my arms around my lover and kiss him warmly before we drift off into a peaceful slumber. I want to be a wife to a man that cannot imagine living his life without me. I want to make delicious foods for people that rave about how fantastic of a creator I am. I want to write stories and poems that move people into tears because they remember when they once felt like this too. I want to be held tightly everyday because I am so loved by another grown human that cannot keep his hands off of me. I want a love affair that I can write about in volumes. I want to swim in the sea every summer for the rest of my life. I want a van or a camper to sleep in when suburban life gets stuffy. I want a house that has so many plants that it feels like a rainforest. I want happy and prosperous children that adore their lives so much that people think that they are slightly insane. I want to learn a little bit about everything. Every topic that can be taught I want to know at least an outline about. I want to conquer advanced maths and fiddly obscure sciences that are totally useless in my daily applications. I want to live every year of my life in a different philosophy just to learn how to think differently. I want to wake up every morning and need to pinch myself because I do not understand that this is real life because it feels like a dream it is so brilliantly deliciously perfect.

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your mind + reality = conflict

It is not difficult for me to connect to people. The trying part is staying interested. People are boring. Yes, let us talk about your day. Okay, and your job. That is cool for a few minutes of each conversation… but what about your desires for bettering yourself? How do you feel about the direction humanity is taking? Tell me about your favourite song, film, childhood memory… or your best friend, how it felt the first time you fell in love or the first fist fight you got into. Yeah, okay, tell me that you think I am beautiful. I like to hear it like anyone else does but ten times in an hour? Do you think it gives you points? You are not going to get me in bed that way, I can assure you of that. Do you know what turns me on? Knowledge. Intimacy. Safety. Laughter.

Flattery? Meh.

It just shows me that you have nothing else to add to the cabbage soup but more cabbage.

This is where I got so many mixed signals with Eirik. He gave me his text book knowledge & we laughed so much which fed me loads but he held out everywhere else. I thought the others would come naturally but they just… did not. Or as they did, he pushed me away.

So, I get pieces from others, the hints of intimacy & safety without knowledge.

sigh.

It will be right one of these days. I will not sell myself short until I get them all.

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