I have spent the better part of these two weeks working on what I broke (for lack of better terminology. I know nothing was broken, there was just bad communication but whatever).
I forgive myself for walking away from what I wanted back in February. I thought by expressing my needs clearly, Eirik would get the hint and either CHANGE or we would go our separate ways.
What I could not have known was how depressed he was already. I need to forgive myself for thinking I had anything to do with that situation or any of the year that followed. I was not responsible for his behaviour. I was not his saviour. It was not my job to light that candle and pray for him daily. Nor would it been my fault if he had taken his life.
I barely knew him.
I did not need to love him because I felt compassion for hurting him because I did not feel seen so I told him I did not like his behaviour so I wanted out. He acted poorly and I was confused on why he would over react to something that a moment ago he did not care about?
I forgive myself for misunderstanding my role in this human’s life.
In any case, I am part of it now.
I did not know how it worked and I forgive myself for thinking I meant more to him than I did. I forgive myself for putting myself in situations where I was vulnerable just to make him feel loved even when I know he did not want it nor could he express it in return.
And by the time he could express his feelings, mine had changed. I forgive myself for this as well. Our relationship had grown into something larger, less insecure, but the foundation was still built on this rubbish heap of sleepless nights and wishes.
As those wishes became reality, I did not trust them. I could only remember the way we began and I allowed history to repeat itself. I forgive myself for having no faith in his heart.
Every moment of every day you have the choice to recreate the life you desire. You do not have to live out the old story, it is in the past where it belongs.
I am sorry for thwarting your happiness, Melinda. I promise I will be more mindful of it when it appears again.