13:10

I was cleaning the living room and my decks were never put away when I did a reading the other day. So I pulled out some cards and asked how we related to each other (the layout is the Thoth “relationship game”. It is very useful to understand how to people in any sort of relationship ship as getting along).

The middle card tells you the overall theme of the relationship.

Strength: You may find yourself in a passionate and fiery romance when you draw the Strength card in a love tarot reading. The intense feelings suggested by this card can indicate both a strong relationship and also one that can be prone to anger, jealousy or other emotional explosions. There are both pros and cons with this kind of relationship. Alternatively, Strength’s tarot love meaning is one of compassion, empathy and inner strength; you may find that these qualities are bound to attract the partners that you need, or bring you and your existing partner closer together than ever. Empathy may give you greater insight into both yours and your partner’s needs and insecurities. Should you find yourself in an argument or in heated moments, it may be better for you to treat each other with patience and gentleness, rather than allowing your anger to take control.

(Left me, right him)

The page of wands + nine of cups in the position of how we encounter each other (and/ or how we assess the relationship: When we see the Page of Wands, we see a youth with enormous excitement and curiosity for the world. He knows what to do, he has the passion to succeed, but due to his inexperience and maybe a little fear of the unknown, his ideas remain abstract. He identifies new worlds to explore, new opportunities he could take advantage of quite easily, and he is even gifted with the “big picture” vision needed to succeed. Even with all of this, he still has the tendency to either remain dormant or get easily distracted with one idea after the other.

Appreciate what you have when the 9 of Cups appears. Wishes here are meant to come true, and it is best to look forwards to the future with gratitude. There is much to celebrate, go and enjoy yourself; now is not the time to be calculating or strategising about your goals, but instead, simply have fun. Lightheartedness can draw others to you.

three of swords + eight of cups in the position of the emotional realm, hopes & fears.

The Three of Swords depicts the message of rejection, betrayal, hurt and discouragement. In moments like these, we are well served by the mind. If you can think logically about it and prepare for the experience, the impact of this pain may be minimized.

But remember too, that pain and grief are a normal part of life because they make us appreciate what joy and happiness we have, as well as teaching us. It is through the pain that we learn to avoid mistakes that could lead us into danger and grief. It is therefore a necessity in the journey of life. The Three of Swords therefore is a depiction of suffering that is meant to make us stronger, more careful and more vigilant.

The Eight of Cups signifies a time for change or transition, by means of walking away from something. Just like a caterpillar has to die before transforming into a beautiful butterfly, we all need to transform ourselves in our lives from time to time. This is the case especially after being tired of living what was the day today, and embarking on a journey that will help one have a deeper understanding of life in general.

Getting the upright side of this card shows that you are dissatisfied with your life and need to experience a higher purpose in life. You may have been exploring your options, flitting about from one choice to another, tasting the wine in each cup, as a means to sort out what it is that you really want with your life. You are now experiencing a feeling of exhaustion – and are coming to a realization that you must step away from what is familiar. It is a choice and a recognition that true happiness will not be found in what you have already created.

five of wands + judgement signify our behaviour, a façade, perhaps shown to the outside world. these feelingsare independent of the thoughts of the upper cards: Action is required of you now when it comes to your love life. If you’re single, you may find that the one you desire can have many suitors, and you may have to compete for their affection. Make sure not to be carried away by this, and become too forceful; this can discourage your potential partner instead of drawing them closer. Should you already be in a relationship, there may be some small conflicts. Beware that what initially starts off as playful banter can turn into explosive arguments when either of you are stressed. It’s likely the arguments here are not too serious. Nonetheless, they will require some lightheartedness to remember how inconsequential they actually are to your happiness. Keep things playful.

Now is the time to take a closer look at your love life and figure out what needs to be changed. The Judgement tarot love meaning indicates a time of self-reflection and analysis initiated by an awakening. Issues in your love life that you once ignored may be seen clearly now, and you have the chance to make adjustments. Keep communication with your partner open, and make sure both of you are aware of each other’s needs. Small changes that the two of you make together can have a great effect on your relationship. Your past actions and their consequences, whether good or bad, are catching up with you now. If you’ve made mistakes in the past, use the lessons you’ve learned to make changes for your future.

 

Well, 😂 fuck.

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sorted into jigglypuff

I decided I was going to stay in my bed for the remainder of 2020.

Five minutes after I made this decision, I got up out of bed, put on my house shoes and started to pace around my room. Ivy (smallest cat) started to meow, loudly and very unhappily. I paced faster. She ran out of the room. I popped a chocolate into my mouth and, I too, left the room.

What happened?

I am not sure.

I lost control, I think. I wanted something but then did not want it anymore and then I think I realised I wanted it but not the way I thought I did?

Yeah, exactly.

People are not as complicated as you think they are. How you think of them, now that is the problem. You know they come with baggage of all shapes and sizes because you have seen your excess, special & bulky luggage and that shit does not fit in the overhead compartment.

Right? Right! Now when you unload your shit and they unpack theirs you realise there is no fucking room for you two to have anything new.

Throw that garbage out.

Easier said than done.

When one of you is scared you start to do dumb shit like cancelling plans last minute because ohmygod hanging out is so good. It brings the two of you closer and closer and shit.

Shit.

You know what happens then. Those feelings you have start to have a place to land. And then their feelings will land there too and oh lord what will happen then.

Proper loving shit.

Well we cannot have that now can we folks?

*bites nails*

But it is what we want, sadly.

Why is this so delicious and forbidden at the same time? See: that unpacked baggage. Remember that bitch that cheated on you? That douche that lied so much that it sounded like truth? That person that just walked away when you counted on them to be there? All of your future that you placed in their back pocket just for them to sneak off with it while you were left with nothing but despair and this idea that people are no good. Even if you know you are good.

So you learn to bottle those things up. Or to run away when things start to feel uncomfortable. It is easier that way. Then you are not the one to get hurt.

Then you meet someone that you keep trying to run away from but there is something that keeps you tethered to them. They are fundamentally good but so bad for your heart. They hide all the parts you need to see to know who they are and how they feel about you. You know their heart wants to belong to you. You have heard it sing small tunes when he was trying to get you to pay attention to something else. It is hard to tell if he is shy, avoidant or incredibly mentally ill. Or all of the above. In any case, even if you are only friends with him forever and ever, having him in your life is better than not having him there at all.

And when you realised this, you knew he was special.

You also get the feeling that he does not feel like he deserves you. It is in the way he does somethings. In the way he lacks eye contact and how he is not able to show appreciation.

And how he never does anything for you. It is like he really has no idea how.

It is not inexperience. He has had other women in his life – many.

The part that made me want to spend the rest of this year in bed was the idea that if I started 2021 sleeping and could reset all of this and pretend like none of this happened…

People are not complicated. It is the way we think about them.

And this, dear hearts, is too much for me.

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the most special girl in the world

Do you ever get the idea that you are completely wrong about something or someone? Like… you go to delete someone’s contact information and they send you a text. Or you do manage to delete them and they message you anyway and you wonder how the heck they knew that ten seconds before you removed them from your list?

How do you proceed? If you asked, “if?” before you went to do so and then they did exactly as you asked and they did not even know it over and over again? You know, deep down, that they are trying so hard but what if that is not enough? What if they were not cared for properly so they do not know how to care for you? So it is not their fault that they treat you with such a detached manner? What if this is the best they can do? But do you know this? How much have they put up? Do you make it too easy for them? Is it you that assumes this is their best? Do you really think that they have been in a ltr before with this sort of behaviour? Really? Think very carefully before you make excuses for them. Are you just doing it to make yourself feel better so you can continue on living off the crumbs they drop for you from time to time.

Yes yes when things are good they are great. But how do they get there? Who is putting in the work? Are you being told that you are appreciated, loved, adored, etc?

Are you?

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march of the penguins

This page loads to 79%. The rest of the document will sit behind dial-up, I think. I could connect it to the wi-fi, but I do not think there really is anything else there. I thought there was but it feels like the more I try, the more it is forcing or reaching or… trying too damn hard.

I will let it attempt to load on its own. I have done all I am willing to do without any appreciation/reciprocation.

2020, for fuck’s sake, can you get it together?

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add cheesy 80’s song title

In some hours, E & I shall be sitting in the same physical space for the first time in approximately 289 days, 10 hours.

 

I woke up at three am and I have been tossing & turning since. We had talked earlier & he had mentioned that he had not been sleeping well either. He had picked up smoking again too – and as my closest know, I have been dying to smoke (even though I have never smoked).

I just ask if you are the praying type to pray for me, yeah? I know I play the stereotypical calm & collective type but this one keeps me up at night listening to songs that put a smile on my face & put odd hopes in my head.

I tried to promise G that I would not fuck it up but like the queens to Ru, how can we resist a good trip down the runway?

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futures

Everything is fine.
everything is fine.
tout bagay anfòm.
tout va bien.
kaikki on hyvin.
todo esta bien.

 

I just feel a bit like I am waiting for Halley’s comet.

 

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on repeat

while talking about my future self I keep taking old stories and pruning them because they no longer serve me.

so what happens to her – the girl that was always trying so hard? the girl that struggled to keep her mask on because if it slipped everyone would see how fragile she was & then they would poke at her fresh bruises and then they would never heal.

what happens to her? does she get set free? does she disappear?

did she ever exist?

did I make her up? if I create all of my memories, did I choose to suffer unnecessarily?

how about the new stories? will they have better endings now that I understand the writing process?

so the woman that I am now, what will happen to her in twenty years?

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