While deleting my “old story” I found this in my blog’s rubbish bin:
stop holding on to anger
I have been so annoyed at so many people. People that have exploited my kindness. People that stopped texting back. People that did not like my photograph but liked my friend’s EXACT photograph that we posted at the same time because we were sitting right next to each other. This shit does not fucking matter but sometimes I let it fester. Why? I have no damn idea. There are dust particles of high school left in there or something. It perplexes even me (and really, I do not even care for this woman I am annoyed at so why am I wasting my energy on her?).
I am still angry at Will for leaving. I am angry at Thomas not being the man I thought he was. I still sort of cross at Paul for taking me from my life just to cheat on me & catapult me on the carnival ride of Scandinavian cold-hearted love affairs. I loathe my mum to the point that just talking about her gives me acid reflux.
I do not need to this. None of these people cares that they have hurt me. I am suffering at my own damn expense. Dummy.
I only ready one book a month. This is nonsense.
stop allowing people to walk all over me
I give everything and get nothing in return. There is something to say about being selfless. There is something else about being a martyr. I have always thought that if I did not give people things, they would not like me. If I did not allow the guys I was dating an open relationship, they would cheat. My self-worth has been zero since the beginning and only now I realise that this is a problem.
I have had friends take things from me that are expensive and they do not even think to offer me money for them. I took a few friends on holiday with us and asked them to pay gas money. They never did. I brought it up twice, I was ignored so I dropped it. I know they did not have much for money… and like a weirdo, I went home and gathered up more things for them and made them baked goods.
I was afraid I offended them to ask them to pay their agreed share so I gave them MORE.
let go of people that are not hanging on to me
I am lucky, I have always had a few solid friendships. I do not see them daily but I do see them frequently and they are always there when I need them.
I made some newer friends after Will died because I left some people behind when I was dating him and it was nice to talk to people that did not know him.
I have been chasing around a few people from before Will & I were together but it is not the same… not that I expected it to be, it is 4 years later and no-one enjoys talking about their happiness around me. Like I am some sort of rain cloud. My boyfriend died, it is true, but life goes on. I know it was hoped that I would be in a new relationship by now so everyone could feel more comfortable around me.
Yeah. So they could be more comfortable around me.
I have been building this soapbox for years now. I know my opinions are not always popular. My work makes me feel like I am doing something good. It has been a long time since I have felt like I have been part of something bigger than myself… it is nice to be separate from the nonsense of eyeliner, baby diapers, sepia Norwegian landscapes & stupid Instagram stories that no-one besides you care about.
remind me how big the world really is
I travel a lot but I always do the same things everywhere I go. I have to get rid of these tunnel vision glasses and pretend like I am as fearless as people think I am.
I do not know exactly what I am looking for but I know more and more what I do not want. I am dead tired of fair-weather, self-obsessed, mediocre friends. I want the truth, the brash kind that makes you question if you knew what you were talking about (and your response is to make a mental note to research what you were told NOT TO TURN INWARDLY AND BECOME SMALL AND INSECURE AND SAY THAT THAT PERSON IS ATTACKING YOU AND TRYING TO MAKE YOU LIKE THEM). I want people around me that can teach me new things and challenge the facts I have already & can not feel painfully diffident in the face of someone that is more than them. Joy in my life is variety. I want my comedy to come from people sitting in the same room from me, not from a YouTuber. I miss slam poetry and listening to people tell you what they want to be when they grow up, not how lazy they are and all the opportunities they have missed because they could not be bothered. The relation of productivity to a person’s relative worth because they have poured their heart and soul into something — now, where have those doers gone to?
I know folks wanted to take over the world and turn in into a huge glittering disco. I wonder where they went.
I bet they got a Snapchat & now have fucking dog ears