halloween

happy halloween. I think.
the kids went door to door within the house to trick or treat since it was banned within the co-op due to COVID. It was cute and they had a nice time.

it was the lamest Halloween I have had as an adult, however. I was supposed to go out but I opted to stay in because Eirik had the night off but we did not talk much. I think I was in bed at nine? I woke up at 2 because of the wind and I got a moment to see the moon and she was glorious.

I realised a lot this weekend that was good and very uncomfortably horrendous.

I will deal with these things in the coming days.

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01.January.2019

While deleting my “old story” I found this in my blog’s rubbish bin:


stop holding on to anger

 

I have been so annoyed at so many people. People that have exploited my kindness. People that stopped texting back. People that did not like my photograph but liked my friend’s EXACT photograph that we posted at the same time because we were sitting right next to each other. This shit does not fucking matter but sometimes I let it fester. Why? I have no damn idea. There are dust particles of high school left in there or something. It perplexes even me (and really, I do not even care for this woman I am annoyed at so why am I wasting my energy on her?).

I am still angry at Will for leaving. I am angry at Thomas not being the man I thought he was. I still sort of cross at Paul for taking me from my life just to cheat on me & catapult me on the carnival ride of Scandinavian cold-hearted love affairs. I loathe my mum to the point that just talking about her gives me acid reflux.

I do not need to this. None of these people cares that they have hurt me. I am suffering at my own damn expense. Dummy.

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I only ready one book a month. This is nonsense.

stop allowing people to walk all over me

I give everything and get nothing in return. There is something to say about being selfless. There is something else about being a martyr. I have always thought that if I did not give people things, they would not like me. If I did not allow the guys I was dating an open relationship, they would cheat. My self-worth has been zero since the beginning and only now I realise that this is a problem.

I have had friends take things from me that are expensive and they do not even think to offer me money for them. I took a few friends on holiday with us and asked them to pay gas money. They never did. I brought it up twice, I was ignored so I dropped it. I know they did not have much for money… and like a weirdo, I went home and gathered up more things for them and made them baked goods.

I was afraid I offended them to ask them to pay their agreed share so I gave them MORE.

Girl.

let go of people that are not hanging on to me

I am lucky, I have always had a few solid friendships. I do not see them daily but I do see them frequently and they are always there when I need them.

I made some newer friends after Will died because I left some people behind when I was dating him and it was nice to talk to people that did not know him.

I have been chasing around a few people from before Will & I were together but it is not the same… not that I expected it to be, it is 4 years later and no-one enjoys talking about their happiness around me. Like I am some sort of rain cloud. My boyfriend died, it is true, but life goes on. I know it was hoped that I would be in a new relationship by now so everyone could feel more comfortable around me.

Yeah. So they could be more comfortable around me.

be heard

I have been building this soapbox for years now. I know my opinions are not always popular. My work makes me feel like I am doing something good. It has been a long time since I have felt like I have been part of something bigger than myself… it is nice to be separate from the nonsense of eyeliner, baby diapers, sepia Norwegian landscapes & stupid Instagram stories that no-one besides you care about.

remind me how big the world really is

I travel a lot but I always do the same things everywhere I go. I have to get rid of these tunnel vision glasses and pretend like I am as fearless as people think I am.

I do not know exactly what I am looking for but I know more and more what I do not want. I am dead tired of fair-weather, self-obsessed, mediocre friends. I want the truth, the brash kind that makes you question if you knew what you were talking about (and your response is to make a mental note to research what you were told NOT TO TURN INWARDLY AND BECOME SMALL AND INSECURE AND SAY THAT THAT PERSON IS ATTACKING YOU AND TRYING TO MAKE YOU LIKE THEM). I want people around me that can teach me new things and challenge the facts I have already & can not feel painfully diffident in the face of someone that is more than them. Joy in my life is variety. I want my comedy to come from people sitting in the same room from me, not from a YouTuber. I miss slam poetry and listening to people tell you what they want to be when they grow up, not how lazy they are and all the opportunities they have missed because they could not be bothered. The relation of productivity to a person’s relative worth because they have poured their heart and soul into something — now, where have those doers gone to?

I know folks wanted to take over the world and turn in into a huge glittering disco. I wonder where they went.

I bet they got a Snapchat & now have fucking dog ears

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and you may find yourself in another part of the world

You never want to be the first one to say something but you know someone has to say something sooner or later.
This dance is slow, we glide with our bodies close but not touching because touching would cause ignition and that is not a handful of warm it is a fireplace of burning embers and we are waltzing, not tearing at each other’s clothes and hair and skin, no.
It is gentle and careful and we are not assuming anything this time around. All the i’s are dotted and the t’s are crossed.

it is so easy, really, it is like we just met only we already know everything there is to know yet we are still learning and growing and falling. there is no stress to have anything fit into a box or understand whys or hows it just is and that is wonderful (isn’t it?).

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eight-thirteen/30 & the rise of Melinda X

8: Key Insight: Your past is flexible. Your view and “memory” of your past is always based on your perspective of the present. You can change the meaning of the past. When you make your past into a positive narrative, then you’re free from it. 

Challenge:

How has your view of your past changed over time?

I understand that I can “rewrite” my past to suit what I need from it. I am not a victim.

-What negative episodes or memories from your past could be reframed?

I am doing what I can to reframe my relationship with my mother.

DAY 9:

Key Insight: You get to choose the meaning of every experience that happens in your life. Either you view an experience as, “This happened for me,” or “This happened to me.” If you view it as “for me,” then you can become better. If you view it as “to me,” then you’ll become bitter. 
Challenge:
Reframe every experience in your life as, “This happened for me.”

This is not as easy as it sounds. Imagine having a truck come by and splash you with cold water from a puddle and say, “Oh, this happened for me!” To what? Go home and change your clothes? Did someone else in the office wear the same outfit? Did you dress like a skank that day? Maybe you would miss a mass shooting by a few minutes. I do not know about this as a mantra.

-Moving forward, whenever you face hardship, immediately frame it as, “This is happening for me.”

I can see this working for a cynic, but I am mostly optimistic so…

DAY 10:

Key Insight: You can imagine and speak with your future self to get the clarity and confidence you need to move forward. You can also consult your imaginary future self to heal your former self. 

Challenge:

Take the time to have an imaginary meeting with your future self.
-What would you ask them?
-How would you feel in their presence?


Future Melinda: “Hey.”
Me: “Uh… hi?”
Future Melinda (from here on out will be called Melinda X): “How are things?”
Me: “Are you… me?”
Melinda X: “No, you are me.”
Me: “How is that different?”
Melinda X: “It just is.”
Me: “How?”
Melinda X: *shrugs*
Me: “Is Trump going to be reelected?”
Melinda X: “Ugh, girl, you know I cannot tell you what is going to happen in the future.”
Me: “What is the point of talking to my future self if I cannot know what happens in the future?”
Melinda X: “Ask about your future, girl.”
Me: “Right. Will I ever get laid again?”
Melinda X: “Reply hazy, try again.”
Me: “You really are me!”
Melinda X: “No, you are me.”
Me: “Same thing.”
Melinda X: “Not even close.”
Me: “Ugh, we are even wearing the same pants.”
Melinda X: “That is because you are a copy cat.”
Me: “No, I had them first.”
Melinda X: *glares*
Me: *mwhahahahahahahahahaha*

 

DAY 11:

Key Insight: In order to truly become your desired future self, you’ll need to remove contradictions and addictions. As soon as you remove your Achilles’ Heel, your view of your future self will expand dramatically.
Challenge:

What is your Achilles’ Heel?

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you will join us
And the world will be as one

-What would your future self be like if you removed that Achilles’ Heel forever?

 

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too

-Are you ready to cross your point of no return on this matter?

 

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man

 

DAY 12:

Key Insight: Your identity is the story you tell about your past, present, and future. It’s time to go public with the refreshed and reframed version of your past. It’s also time to be extremely honest and transparent about your desired future self. 
Challenge:

-In the next 24 hours, tell 3 people about your future self.

I am telling all of you that I am Melinda X.

 

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and words don’t come close to feelings

I will resume the Ben Hardy stuff tomorrow. I was away for the weekend and did not look at it. Today I was preparing for Isobel’s birthday and my head was firmly in the clouds.

This weekend.
We went to Ålesund. The trip itself was nice. I got to do some wandering, some choice pokemoning and fish chasing. Massive silliness also occurred which should surprise no-one.

But roll Saturday night around and my mind got properly blown and I am still not sure what to do with it, here on Monday evening.

I suppose I should have sussed it out myself… I just was not looking for it.

“I am going to start dating.” radio silence for a week.

”I think I am going to take this job abroad.” another week of silence.

He asks me what the problem is, I tell him and he is interested until he understands another guy is involved. stops talking to me again for several days.

At the same time, I have already gotten the idea that this ship has sailed so even though I kept my fingers crossed, I did not think much about it. His behaviour is normal for him.

Not once did I think that he still liked me.

Love takes time. But I think what really takes time is when people decide to hold on to love.
There are a lot of times we fall in love with people, with places, with things, with abstract ideas and everything that comes in our lives. We may fall in love the moment we see the spark in someone’s eyes or the moment a person touches our lives, or maybe when we feel cold and there is the warmth from another keeping us alive.
There are many times we fall in love quickly. It is when your heart skips a beat for the first time for that one person who understands you easily. Maybe you have finally found someone who cares and will be there when you are lonely and decide what you feel was love.
But as fast as we fall in love, we quickly fall out of love.
Rare people stay in love. Because it is up to us to hold on to this love despite the buts and the what ifs. Despite losing the spark and the warmth, and even if we lose that person forevermore. It is in our hearts to decide whether to put out the fire or reignite the flame from its burnt embers.
In the words of Rumi, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

 

 

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seven/30

Disclaimer: Benjamin Hardy is the guy that is doing this 30-day future self program. Asia recommended him to me because she thought his personality over-ride would help my autistic tendencies (the personality is not permanent bit). I agree with some of what he has to say but UGH him plugging his book every few minutes is annoying as shit. YES, I get that you have a goal, dude, but it is hard to hear what you are teaching through your advertising.  I have made it to day seven and I dread clicking the video because I know the first thing he is going to do is flash his yellow book (which has conflicting reviews). If he really wanted us to get anything out of his lessons, he would leave a link to his paid stuff and leave it at that. Yeah, I understand this is free so he needs to plug plug plug… And his obsession with Elon Musk makes me want to gag. Musk is a monster. Find someone else, yeah?

Key Insight: Commitment is reflected in the results you’re getting. If you’re serious about becoming your desired future self, it’s time to pass your point of no return. It’s time to remove alternative “lesser” goals. Commitment precedes courage, and it takes courage to become your future self. Are you ready to commit?

Challenge:

Are you ready to pass your point of no return?

Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Today I am in bed ill.

-What must you do to initiate that point of no return?

I should decide what is more important, love or success.

-Are you serious about becoming your future self?

Sometimes. I mean, do I have a choice? Every second I become my future self. Right now I am ten seconds more my future than I was ten seconds ago! Sometimes these questions are just to stretch the course out, methinks.

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six/30

Key Insight: If you want extreme flow and motivation, you need to identify and commit to a single “Keystone Goal.” One goal is how you change your life because one goal gives you a clear path to your future. If you have too many goals, you will have too many competing paths, which is another word for decision fatigue. The true decision means you’ve cut-off alternative paths. This is how you create motivation and success.
Challenge:

What is your Keystone Goal? What’s the one outcome that, if it were real, would allow you to do everything else you want to do?

Freedom.
I understand that this probably does not sound like a lot to you but I have relied on someone for my entire life. Being 100% independent is my goal. I might want to share my life with someone else but that would be my CHOICE – I do not have to do it. That person would amplify my life, I would not need them to survive (or them needing me).

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five/30

Key Insight: Your future self is something you must design and become. That is your responsibility. Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Will you take the time to imagine your future self, and use your imagined future self as the basis for your identity and behaviour? You can…

Challenge:
Pull out your journal and answer: Who is your future self 3 years from now?

Three years… that does not seem like very much time! I would guess that I will be working more, hopefully not reading cards anymore. I am in a stable relationship and I have finished my librarian studies.
-What is the “normal” life of your future self?

tea, writing, kids off to school, yoga, shower, work, home, dinner, reading, writing, camping/hiking, more of this and this but with another human to share these things with.

-What matters to your future self?

not burning or snuffing out – finding a comfortable balance while finding a good place to bloom.

-Why do you want to become this person?

it is better to grow in small steps than try to sprout up too big and not know how close the roof is to your head.

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four/30

Key Insight: Your identity comes from your view of your future. Everything we do as people is to create outcomes. You become a conscious human being by being highly specific about the outcomes you want.
Challenge:

Pull out your journal and reflect: What is the future you’re currently pursuing?

Surviving.

-What future do you really want to focus on?

 

Happ(il)y (married), successful (gluten-free baking).

Make your future bigger.

I suppose this is something else I have not thought of? I have never wanted to “be” anything. I assumed just raising my family was all I wanted to do. Being a wife and going on tiny holidays once or twice a year was fine.

Was fine. I did not dream very big because why did I need to? I ate every day, I had a house to live in and my bills were paid.

Now… I want a proper companion. A car (or maybe a boat?) that maybe I can live in (or that I can travel in for many days) because, girl, that wanderlust has been ramped up to a thousand, and a job that is worth getting out of bed for every day. I want to create food for people that understand that just because we cannot eat gluten does not mean we should know it is without something. We deserve good fucking food.

Maybe that still does not sound like much but I am not that complicated of a human. I do not want millions. I do not want to be famous. I just want happy kids (that are quickly becoming young adults), campfires, laughter over good food and someone that I can talk to about Poseidon, how evil Elon Musk is and how much I love cheese while I wrap myself around them.

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three/30

Key Insight: All of the mainstream personality tests are junk science. Specifically, tests that put people into “boxes” or “categories.” There is no such thing as a personality type. Don’t let a label define who you are. 
Challenge:

What would happen if you stop defining yourself by limiting labels?

I suppose without the “introvert” label, I would be able to people better? I do not know… this is not something I have given much thought to. Asia said something about having ADHD as a label. I wonder about that one – I did not know about it and yet I had all of the symptoms. I do not lean much on it but I have let it become an excuse in some cases, I guess. I let my learning disabilities be the reason why I do not do a lot – it is true.

-What is a label you could give yourself that would help you become your desired future self?

Your Personality Trait Scores

This Big Five assessment measures your scores on five major dimensions of personality: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (sometimes abbreviated OCEAN). Check out your scores on each of the five dimensions in the graph below, then read on to discover what each score means.

Openness

Openness describes a person’s tendency to think in abstract, complex ways. High scorers tend to be creative, adventurous, and intellectual. They enjoy playing with ideas and discovering novel experiences. Low scorers tend to be practical, conventional and focused on the concrete. They tend to avoid the unknown and follow traditional ways.

Openness is strongly related to a person’s interest in art and culture. People who are high in openness tend to enjoy the arts and seek out unusual, complex forms of self-expression. People who are low in openness are often suspicious of the arts and prefer to focus on more practical pursuits.

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness describes a person’s ability to exercise self-discipline and control in order to pursue their goals. High scorers are organized and determined and are able to forego immediate gratification for the sake of long-term achievement. Low scorers are impulsive and easily sidetracked.

The concept of Conscientiousness focuses on a dilemma we all face: shall I do what feels good now, or instead do what is less fun but will pay off in the future? Some people are more likely to choose fun at the moment, and thus are low in Conscientiousness. Others are more likely to work doggedly toward their goals, and thus are high in this trait.

Extraversion

Extraversion describes a person’s inclination to seek stimulation from the outside world, especially in the form of attention from other people. Extraverts engage actively with others to earn friendship, admiration, power, status, excitement, and romance. Introverts, on the other hand, conserve their energy and do not work as hard to earn these social rewards.

Extraversion seems to be related to the emotional payoff that a person gets from achieving a goal. While everyone experiences victories in life, it seems that extroverts are especially thrilled by these victories, especially when they earn the attention of others. Getting a promotion, finding a new romance, or winning an award are all likely to bring an extrovert great joy. In contrast, introverts do not experience as much of a “high” from social achievements. They tend to be more content with simple, quiet lives, and rarely seek attention from others.

Agreeableness

Agreeableness describes a person’s tendency to put others’ needs ahead of their own and to cooperate rather than compete with others. People who are high in Agreeableness experience a great deal of empathy and tend to get pleasure out of serving and taking care of others. They are usually trusting and forgiving.

People who are low in Agreeableness tend to experience less empathy and put their own concerns ahead of others. Low scorers are often described as hostile, competitive, and antagonistic. They tend to have more conflictual relationships and often fall out with people.

Neuroticism

Neuroticism describes a person’s tendency to experience negative emotions, including fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and shame. While everyone experiences these emotions from time to time, some people are more prone to them than others.

This trait can be thought of as an alarm system. People experience negative emotions as a sign that something is wrong in the world. You may be in danger, so you feel fear. Or you may have done something morally wrong, so you feel guilty. However, not everyone has the same reaction to a given situation. High Neuroticism scorers are more likely to react to a situation with fear, anger, sadness, and the like. Low Neuroticism scorers are more likely to brush off their misfortune and move on.

Your Traits in Depth

Now, we’ll take a detailed look at each of your scores and how they compare with average scores for the population. We’ll see what your scores mean for your individual experiences, and how the latest scientific research can help you to understand what your traits really mean.

Your Openness Score in Depth

Openness describes an individual’s tendency to think in complex, abstract ways. People who are high in Openness are abstract thinkers, while people who are low in Openness are concrete thinkers.

As a person high in Openness, you are more able than the average person to connect seemingly unrelated concepts. This makes you more creative and imaginative than average, and more likely to appreciate unusual ideas.

Because you are high in Openness, you are more likely to appreciate art, music, and various cultural activities. You may notice that you are more interested in such things than the average person. Your mind is better able to process loosely connected ideas, and so you are more apt to appreciate, say, a sculpture of an elephant built out of forks. While many people would find such a thing bizarre, you enjoy considering the meaning of things and working to understand how seemingly unrelated ideas might be connected.

Your Personality Patterns

Your personality traits interact to create unique patterns of thought and behaviour. In this section, you’ll learn how your traits work together to drive the way you interact with the world.

To describe your personality patterns, we use a circular graph called a circumplex. The circumplex is used by psychologists to illustrate how two traits intersect to create more complex patterns of thought and behaviour. Each circumplex has four sections, with each section describing a typical pattern. The area of each section shows how well that pattern describes you. A larger area indicates a better fit for that pattern.

Some circumplex graphs will show a clear preference for one pattern. Others will show a more even spread over two or even three patterns. Where you have nearly equal scores for two or more patterns, you can expect that both patterns may describe you equally well.

Core Pattern

This circumplex describes the essential role you take on in approaching the world. This role is a reflection of your core values and motivations, as well as the way you think about things.

Empathic Idealist

Uses insight and creativity to help others. Thinks about how the world could be a better and more beautiful place.

Practical Caretaker

Helps other people in practical, everyday ways. Uses established institutions to maintain stability and security.

Analytical Thinker

Solves logical problems with rational, complex analysis. Thinks about innovative ways to improve systems.

Analytical Thinker

Solves logical problems with rational, complex analysis. Thinks about innovative ways to improve systems.

How does your mind work?

You have a highly creative and imaginative way of thinking and you often see connections that others do not. You are uninterested in the dull facts of a situation, preferring instead to interpret its meaning and implications. You have unusual ideas and sometimes perceive things that other people are not aware of. You are easily absorbed by fantasy and enjoy envisioning alternate realities as well as possibilities for the future.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the needs and experiences of others. As a highly empathetic person, you feel others’ emotions almost as strongly as your own, and as such, the experiences of others occupy an important place in your mind. Your thoughts often revolve around how you might be more helpful to others, or how you can better understand what they are going through.

You are preoccupied with goal-setting and achievement and most of your thoughts revolve around planning and completing tasks. You are a structured, orderly thinker, and rarely waste time on unproductive daydreaming.

What do you value?

You are a highly sympathetic and altruistic person who values kindness and compassion above all else. You feel it is crucial to care for others and work to make the world a better place. You rarely do anything that does not have a payoff in kindness or caring. You are unconcerned with selfish goals, and instead, preoccupy yourself with the needs of others.

You have a genuine love of ideas, and value originality, creativity, and imagination. It is important for you to have consistent opportunities to learn new things and improve your mind. You value intellectual challenge, depth of thought, and insight. Because of your interest in enlightenment and novel ideas, you place great value on artistic and cultural endeavours. You believe that the improvement of the mind is an important and worthy goal.

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