Wed. May 18th, 2022

being around people is different now. I hear and feel conversations in a way I did not before. I want to explain it but I cannot. The words are draining out of my head like handfuls of sand.

I want to tell everyone how much I care for them. Not for any other reason besides the fact that you should know & I am afraid I do not say it enough.

I am always trying to solve some impossible puzzle. I never stop to see the forest for the trees because I am looking for one shiny thing within the forest on my quest. And sometimes all people want to do is go for a walk in the woods & I am walking around with a magnifying glass looking for clues. This is just how my brain has always functioned – GOGOGO

this calm is exhausting. I notice people’s eye colours and mannerisms and how their body reacts. I only became aware of these things when I was looking for something (if I sensed something was off from the last time I spoke to them, for instance). I have been saturated in these thoughts of mine for so long that my psyche has rot. I truly do not know how to play with others.

My emotions are raw, I cried when Paul and I had an argument the other day. I smile all the damn time because I feel lighter than I ever have. I snicker snorted while I was laughing with a girlfriend the other day. Me. Snicker snorting!

it is not that I do not care about the topics that previously consumed me, I do. I set them free by opening the cage door. If they come back, lovely. If not, also lovely.

at this very moment I have a cup of tea, a sleeping toddler at my feet & nothing urgent tugging at my heart.

I prefer this even though there is a part of me that is trying to dismantle it by needing to understand it. sssh, little Vulcan mind, sssh.