Round and round the mulberry bush

when you know that people treat you as a reflection of the way you treat yourself you wonder why you treat yourself the way you do.

be kinder to yourself, dear hearts. you are precious.

is your beloved being indifferent & cold? have you been perhaps silent and presumptuous? hold up the mirror. like for like.

listen to the negative talk. what is she saying? let all of the words play – do not try to soothe them or affirm over them. there may be some truth in those words. she might be warning you of danger. we are trained to think that negativity is bad but sometimes we need to be present and listen to our thoughts. listen, not engage.

listen, not become those thoughts. you are not your mind. you are not your thoughts. you are not your circumstances. you are not your past.

unless you want to be.

I re-wrote my script. I woke up one morning in April and decided I was happy. I decided I was free. I decided I was loved. I decided my life was not defined by what others thought about me. I decided I created my joy. I decided who I wanted in my life and those that were invited could be uninvited with no or little explanation because this is my reality. I decided to live life for me.

it has not been easy or linear and some days I fall back into the same old patterns. but I get up and dust myself off and remember who I am doing this for.

ME.

one day I will look in the mirror and believe what I say. some days I feel it. the faith in myself is building.

I even smiled when I typed that.

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a trillion sighs a minute

being around people is different now. I hear and feel conversations in a way I did not before. I want to explain it but I cannot. The words are draining out of my head like handfuls of sand.

I want to tell everyone how much I care for them. Not for any other reason besides the fact that you should know & I am afraid I do not say it enough.

I am always trying to solve some impossible puzzle. I never stop to see the forest for the trees because I am looking for one shiny thing within the forest on my quest. And sometimes all people want to do is go for a walk in the woods & I am walking around with a magnifying glass looking for clues. This is just how my brain has always functioned – GOGOGO

this calm is exhausting. I notice people’s eye colours and mannerisms and how their body reacts. I only became aware of these things when I was looking for something (if I sensed something was off from the last time I spoke to them, for instance). I have been saturated in these thoughts of mine for so long that my psyche has rot. I truly do not know how to play with others.

My emotions are raw, I cried when Paul and I had an argument the other day. I smile all the damn time because I feel lighter than I ever have. I snicker snorted while I was laughing with a girlfriend the other day. Me. Snicker snorting!

it is not that I do not care about the topics that previously consumed me, I do. I set them free by opening the cage door. If they come back, lovely. If not, also lovely.

at this very moment I have a cup of tea, a sleeping toddler at my feet & nothing urgent tugging at my heart.

I prefer this even though there is a part of me that is trying to dismantle it by needing to understand it. sssh, little Vulcan mind, sssh.

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Let the dead bury the dead

I dropped off my favourite Tardis bag with his birthday presents (from June, yeah, I know but I thought I would have seen him by now) on his patio while running errand this afternoon.

I tip-toed with my big ass platform shoes so he would not hear me. I sent him a message when I was safely on the bus away from him.

I will not lie, I nearly vomited on his property, I was so frightened he would catch me 😂

I made it away, and for ever step I took I felt more free. I remember the last time I left his house I was giddy and feeling so strange. This time I was feeling strange but it was the completely opposite sort of strange.

Old Melinda and New Melinda have so little in common. I suppose Old Eirik and New Eirik float in that boat too.

Do I think we are done forever?
Nah.

for now?
yeah. Yeah, I do.

Talk to me about it again next season.

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Because Lizzo said so

Never never NEVER chase after someone. If they do not actively like and show interest in you, you cannot make them. No scheme, strategy or gesture will make them want you and you cannot change yourself to make them want you. Fortunately you really, truly do not want to be with someone who does not like you just the way you are. Unfortunately this truth is impossible to believe or fully understand until you have met someone who likes you just the way you are, and that is how dating apps, expensive clothing brands, diet companies, and beauty supply stores stay in business.

Sometimes even the kind of love that shakes you to the core, that becomes a part of who you are, still cannot break the chains of circumstance. Requited yet unobtainable love is a potent flavor of heartbreak.

Just because you love someone, there is absolutely no guarantee they will ever love you back.

A lack of important communication in the beginning of a relationship might just be the thing that ends it.

If you have beg someone to see them, they do not like you — walk away.

 

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The game of horror we call love

But then, there was you.
And you were brand new. A light in all my corners. A piece of acceptance, hope, and love I did not know I would ever have but now cannot imagine accepting otherwise. A list of criteria is no longer relevant, because we are expansive. I have written so much about love, and now it seems foolish for me to have ever thought I knew what love was before.
I never knew a love like this could exist.
It is what I hoped for, dreamed of, and wanted to believe was out there.
Somehow our paths crossed. I do not believe in fate, but good god, I do not know what else to call this. I am so thankful for you. I have learned that I was never broken in the first place, I was looking at myself through a faulty set of lenses.
We are lucky to have met – at least I feel blessed to have had the pleasure of knowing you. I know never to reduce myself to something smaller or to chase or beg.
I am a wildling, a goddess, not a scavenger. I have always taken what was given to me, I have never wanted someone else’s heart before. I do not follow a book of etiquette, a lady’s manual or a farmer’s almanac. When my desire’s arise, I listen.

Admittedly, they do not speak often – but with you they hum. It vibrates down the base of my skull to the small of my back. I know every time I want to walk away from you that it is a mistake.

And so do you because you gently hook your pinky finger in mine and say stay. Maybe you have no idea who you are and what you have to offer but at least you are not running away anymore.

It is a lot more fun when we can listen to each other breathe in real time, curled up in the same space anyway.
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