Wed. May 18th, 2022

I was talking to Isobel tonight about how I got myself into this position and she found herself nodding a lot during my explanations. Having the mastery of your circumstances is all well & good but where to go with that information, well — that is something else.

I am glad she is more like me in the regards that she is feelings = attraction. I see the benefits of casual affairs, of course, but in the long run, I think it keeps your head on straighter. I have moments were I wish I could be a bit freer in my approach but it is the demisexual life for me. I dislike that I had so many relationships that I felt nothing for the person I was with but that it is in the past and there is not a damn thing I can do about it besides forgive myself for not realise my worth.

I realise it now.

When I explained to her how I pushed Eirik away she just shook her head. I said, “yeah, I know.” I told her that I liked him a lot but I done fucked that up. She told me to fix it then.

I just blinked at her a few times.

I sighed and nodded and acknowledged that I am working on me and my emotionally avoidant self. What I have to offer right now is a handful of buttons (mother of pearl, vintage), one knitted sock… probably a size 44 (I am working on the other one while listening to my lectures for school), regularly baked cookies (always gluten-free because why make cookies I cannot eat?) & maybe I can learn to spoon better because the last time was… messy.

I am not sure how great of a girlfriend I would make. I need a lot of time alone. I do not like talking on the phone. Video chats are okay from time to time but I feel stupid unless we can drink. And since I hardly drink… I meditate a lot so I … what I am trying to say is that I have been single for years. I do not hate it. I get along with myself really well and for the first time in my life, I am stable and fucking happy.

Yeah, I have mixed feelings about dating which is why I fucked this up. It does not matter how I feel about him, I started to feel like I was leading him on. I asked him what he was looking for and he said “starting a long-term relationship”. I panicked.

Nothing went right after that.

It was not him, it was me. I fucked it up. I found fault in every single thing he did… even if it suited me just fine. I was scared. He was not doing it the way my brain told me it should be done – as the others did it. He was not following the patterns of destruction, I had nothing to compare his behaviour to… I had to run. But I could not run, he was kind and he liked me and even though every fibre of my body wanted to bolt, I fell for him.

there was this z i p
z iiiiiiii p when we sat close

He wanted to take this slowly so I sped things up
I crashed it into a wall

but even when I asked him after so much silence if he still wanted to be in my life,
he still will not say no

so I wished him a happy birthday and blew him a kiss
we will try again another day

Today I have homework to do and tattoos to get and coffee to drink and friends to laugh with and naps to have dreams in and cats to pet and so many other things to do

But I will tuck this peanut butter addled kiss in the back pocket of my memory