Tue. May 17th, 2022

I was talking to the girls in chat last night, and I was asked why I always go “after” the same sort of guy. I guessed it was because I have a type? After talking about it for a while, I realised it was 1.) yes, I preferred the smart guy & 2.) the stereotypical “hot” guy never was on my radar because I knew I would not be on his – I was always the fat, weird girl. I learned to stay in my lane decades ago.

It was pointed out that I was not fat and my weird was endearing and to prove a point, I should “like” one of these stereotypical “hot” guys on okc. Just to see what happens.

I picked this one. I am not sure why, he was just the first one that came up on the ungodly swiping mechanism and I like the dirty hot better than the preppy hot.

He had already liked me.

Guuuyyyyysssss, wtf?

I tossed my phone across my bed and hid under my blankets.

After my heart stopped racing, I sent this to everyone else. After a torrent of, “I told you so’s!”, I explained that I would never date this guy, and I guarantee he would never date me.

“BUT WHY????!!!” I got shouted back in text.

We are not the same, I tried to explain.

He is beautiful. He has always been beautiful. The whole world knows he is and has been treated as such. He would expect me to treat him as a normal person, and I would just stare at him… not sure how to touch him. I would be afraid to let him touch me – he is probably used to models and not ex-morbidly obese people with stretch marks and scars like a well-loved ragdoll. Furthermore, I cannot surf, or rock climb, nor have I meditated with monks or slept in a tent with another adult human after a night of tantric sex.

I am terrified of ordinary perfect-looking people.

YES, I am aware I am judging him. Maybe he has had a devastatingly rough life that has made him bitter and he binge-watches TNG Thu-Sun nights three weeks a month and loves to eat dried ramen noodles out of the package and just happens to be genetically blessed.

This is probably why I have such horrid luck in relationships. I run in the opposite direction of sanity directly into insanity because of fear. I assume that shy guy is always the nice guy and the pretty guy is always the jerk.

I want to point out that the one “conventionally” attractive guy that I know is dying to marry me (and I am not interested) and the one “shy” guy in my life is stringing me along like a marionette on a noose (and I have just stopped waiting for his call – after four months).

It is one thing that I had to question my heart – now I have to question my thought process as well.