Wed. May 18th, 2022

🤦🏽‍♀️

So this guy liked me. Did he not notice that I was black? The local pickings are slim, guys, but this is the first openly racist person that I have seen.

Look, okay, I am not thrilled that I am moving on like this. I told him that I would wait and I did – four months I waited. Now he ignores me for so many days/weeks at a time that I am not even sure we are friends anymore.

My love for him is infinite, but I have to value myself. What is the point to all of the love I have if I am just holding it in my hands stuffed in my pockets, never letting it loose?

No, dear hearts, this girl is tired of waiting on maybes. I did not know what I wanted when I started dating at the beginning of the year. I knew I wanted to find some new friends and maybe something more? I found that! Eirik was certainly put on my path to teach me temperance. While I was waiting on him, I learned to truly be alone. I taught myself about world history I did not know about, how to make gluten-free sour dough, relearned morse code & the dewey decimal system and this week I am taking a basic math course because I suck at math. All stuff I would not have bothered with if I had been actively dating. I have spent my whole life paying mind to another human, if not a child, a grown man. He paused me – and because I am loyal, I agreed.

The first few days I worried. Why was he ignoring me? Then I got angry. I deleted him from my contacts list. Then I blocked him. Then I unblocked him and readded him. I prayed a lot, I cried and asked what I did to deserve another fucked up man in my life.

Then I had a dream.

He was in a dark, isolated room all alone. He was trapped and could not find his way out. I brought him a small tea light and I asked the light to never go out. He would not talk to me but I hugged him tightly and kissed him on the brow. I left him with the light on the floor.

I woke up and understood – he was depressed. Not the kind of depression I could help, this was the sort of depression I needed to stay away from.

So I gave him space.

I posted my friend Peter a package to give to him (he could not get mail where he was because he had no postbox. He was quarantined there but he was never meant to be there for so long) with herbs to help.

Last I knew he never bothered to get it. It would have helped a lot. I also sent him a tray of 20 some odd paints that I made by hand, some watercolour paper (with the silly portrait I made of him when we played truth or dare that time), some cookies, some Easter candies (I rushed the package there to get it to him for Easter since he was going to be stranded there over Easter without his family), plus a shirt I ordered for him from blackcraft. Oh, and some oils, both hoodoo and fragrant to lift his mood. It took me days to put this package together and weeks to make the paints and a month for the shirt to get here.

Peter was kind enough to offer to get it to him. Eirik never replied.

If it has to do with me, he avoids it. It was not always like this so… is it me or is it the depression?

Why choose one, yeah?

The last time I spoke with him was at the same time in the morning on the 22nd that Will left and never came back.

I mean, he does not know that, of course. That was just the time of the last message he sent me. He did not bother to read the one I sent after. For no real reason, the conversation was lighthearted.

But anyone that can ask me to wait for them and then ignore me for multiple days in a row, multiple times in a month does not want me in their life.

I appreciate the way he did it, though. He trained me for it. It started out one day at a time. Then two. Then three.

Now he can go a whole week at a time and I hardly notice.

I will miss him and I am sad as hell that it did not work out – we were two peas, us

but fuck anyone that does not know what they have when they have me.

You have all of my wishes for a glorious and glimmering life, Eirik, the mesmerising genius Gemini.

Think of me fondly please. You will always be my favourite Pokemon partner 🖤