Further down the spiral

I will never live up to the expectations of a broken man.

You see, a broken man expects the worst to happen. He waits for the day I turn my back on him and walk away. He constantly questions my love and never truly believes it. He keeps me at arms length to protect himself for the day I finally say I stopped loving him. He looks for reasons why it is not going to work and holds on to those thoughts for ammo so he can say, “I knew it!”

A broken man holds on to what women did to him in the past and never truly sees you for who you are. Instead, he sees versions of you that prove why he should not trust you. He compares you to what he has had before and finds reasons why he can do better.

A broken man sees relationships as a cage where he is trapped and controlled. He does not see a partner as a way to free himself from the bondage he put himself into. He stays stuck in his past and says, “Never again…”

A broken man looks for cracks in the foundation of your relationship and does not repair them. He watches them quietly grow further apart and one day says he always knew it would not work. He not only hides what he sees but who he is because his insecurities are stronger than his ability to love.

A broken man will lead you down a path where he has no intention of giving you what you need. He only seeks to have you provide what he needs because he has a void the size of the Grand Canyon. He uses women because he will never go deeper than a puddle on the sidewalk.

A broken man expects the worst and never intends to change because he believes that everyone has something against him. He does not look within to discover his faults. A broken man says “You cannot change me” because he believes he is not broken.

I do not want to live up to that expectation he has, because I can see him hiding and afraid. I want to heal him. But what a broken man does not understand is that one day I may live up to the expectation, because loving a broken man can break a woman too.

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Foresight

I did my first Lenormand readings yesterday. It was rad as hell. I have some readings done for me in the past and have fiddled with a few books but the theory is nothing like the practice! I am pleased with the outcome! If anyone wants to be my victim, erm, test subject let me know!

I sent Eirik a message & asked if he was okay. It has been far too long since the last time I have heard from him & the last conversation I had from him he was very down.

He has not replied (it was 10 hours ago) but! I did see that he was online so I know he is okay. I finally broke down and took him out of my contacts list. If he could not be bothered to say that he was alive and well, he clearly does not care that I am concerned. I need to leave him alone. I know he is okay. I cannot do anything to help him. He does not want me around.

so I am gone.

I need to learn my lesson this time and stay away.

edit:

So, a few hours after I took him off my list, I got these messages:

I was talking to someone else when I got them. I saw them come over the video screen and I was surprised.

I am not sure how to feel/what to do. 😓

 

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Stutter shook

Yesterday was one of those days that reminds you why you keep going.
I did everything on my list that needed to get done. I made peace with someone I was sparring with. I did some fantastic meditative work. I felt like I could take over the whole planet without disrupting a hair on anyone’s head.

And still give everyone healthcare, proper nutrition, shelter & tranquillity.

I am buzzing with excitement for what lies ahead of me today!

…then I remember I am taking a math course and I begin to pout a bit – NO GIRL DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF, YOU GOT THIS!

Everyone that I smiled at yesterday smiled back at me – even the old Norwegian ladies. I felt like my joy was casting white light off of me all damn day. I was smiling like a fool and it felt so good.

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing.” — Seneca

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skater boy

I was talking to the girls in chat last night, and I was asked why I always go “after” the same sort of guy. I guessed it was because I have a type? After talking about it for a while, I realised it was 1.) yes, I preferred the smart guy & 2.) the stereotypical “hot” guy never was on my radar because I knew I would not be on his – I was always the fat, weird girl. I learned to stay in my lane decades ago.

It was pointed out that I was not fat and my weird was endearing and to prove a point, I should “like” one of these stereotypical “hot” guys on okc. Just to see what happens.

I picked this one. I am not sure why, he was just the first one that came up on the ungodly swiping mechanism and I like the dirty hot better than the preppy hot.

He had already liked me.

Guuuyyyyysssss, wtf?

I tossed my phone across my bed and hid under my blankets.

After my heart stopped racing, I sent this to everyone else. After a torrent of, “I told you so’s!”, I explained that I would never date this guy, and I guarantee he would never date me.

“BUT WHY????!!!” I got shouted back in text.

We are not the same, I tried to explain.

He is beautiful. He has always been beautiful. The whole world knows he is and has been treated as such. He would expect me to treat him as a normal person, and I would just stare at him… not sure how to touch him. I would be afraid to let him touch me – he is probably used to models and not ex-morbidly obese people with stretch marks and scars like a well-loved ragdoll. Furthermore, I cannot surf, or rock climb, nor have I meditated with monks or slept in a tent with another adult human after a night of tantric sex.

I am terrified of ordinary perfect-looking people.

YES, I am aware I am judging him. Maybe he has had a devastatingly rough life that has made him bitter and he binge-watches TNG Thu-Sun nights three weeks a month and loves to eat dried ramen noodles out of the package and just happens to be genetically blessed.

This is probably why I have such horrid luck in relationships. I run in the opposite direction of sanity directly into insanity because of fear. I assume that shy guy is always the nice guy and the pretty guy is always the jerk.

I want to point out that the one “conventionally” attractive guy that I know is dying to marry me (and I am not interested) and the one “shy” guy in my life is stringing me along like a marionette on a noose (and I have just stopped waiting for his call – after four months).

It is one thing that I had to question my heart – now I have to question my thought process as well.

 

11:36am

“I connect with Spirit I have a tall gentleman with grey air and glasses he wears a blue and white checked shirt and shows me water, rocks and trees. He speaks of terrain, this is symbolic. He shows me photographs of a young man in uniform and some old wooden skis and a sledge.

He comes with love to you.

Spirit speak of for a lasting happy relationship you need Calm, Congruence, Compatibility and Chemistry they say the Calm has been taken by the virus as he is finding it difficult to picture a future.

You are in many ways a perfect match he is grounded though and you are creative and more dramatic if that makes sense. He is connected to you and will resume things as normal in the future he prefers to be “with you ” rather than a virtual relationship. Spirit says you cannot calm the storm yet you can calm yourself. They say keep just the communication there is and no pressure for a constant communication he is there he is not as intense as you yet that is good for you. Spirit say focus on being present in the present and what is meant for you will not pass you by.

Stay safe

Much love Dawn xx”

 

I have no idea who came to her in spirit. I know no-one in my lineage that skis so this is someone that knows him (no-one in my family dresses like that either). Mind you, this was not prompted by anything either so the randomness of this is strange.

I am going to dwell on this for a moment while I finish my coffee and then go for a walk. The day still needs to be lived and none of this information changes anything.

Does make for an interesting start to the week, though! Pfft, me… dramatic!
😂

 

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And on the fifth day

Sometimes, growth is letting yourself settle, sometimes it is letting yourself blossom, sometimes, it is learning how to appreciate what is already good in your life — because there is so much that you forget about.

What really measures our progress in life is whether we see the valleys as failures or simply pathways to the peaks.

What really shifts in our consciousness is whether we think of our lives separated into pieces that were “right” and pieces that were “wrong,” and instead viewing the entire thing as this interwoven, living experience that offered us a different type of breakthrough at each turn.

The truth is that everything you went through before this was preparing you for right now.

Everything you are going through right now is preparing you for the future you asked for.

 

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Saturday in grey

🤦🏽‍♀️

So this guy liked me. Did he not notice that I was black? The local pickings are slim, guys, but this is the first openly racist person that I have seen.

Look, okay, I am not thrilled that I am moving on like this. I told him that I would wait and I did – four months I waited. Now he ignores me for so many days/weeks at a time that I am not even sure we are friends anymore.

My love for him is infinite, but I have to value myself. What is the point to all of the love I have if I am just holding it in my hands stuffed in my pockets, never letting it loose?

No, dear hearts, this girl is tired of waiting on maybes. I did not know what I wanted when I started dating at the beginning of the year. I knew I wanted to find some new friends and maybe something more? I found that! Eirik was certainly put on my path to teach me temperance. While I was waiting on him, I learned to truly be alone. I taught myself about world history I did not know about, how to make gluten-free sour dough, relearned morse code & the dewey decimal system and this week I am taking a basic math course because I suck at math. All stuff I would not have bothered with if I had been actively dating. I have spent my whole life paying mind to another human, if not a child, a grown man. He paused me – and because I am loyal, I agreed.

The first few days I worried. Why was he ignoring me? Then I got angry. I deleted him from my contacts list. Then I blocked him. Then I unblocked him and readded him. I prayed a lot, I cried and asked what I did to deserve another fucked up man in my life.

Then I had a dream.

He was in a dark, isolated room all alone. He was trapped and could not find his way out. I brought him a small tea light and I asked the light to never go out. He would not talk to me but I hugged him tightly and kissed him on the brow. I left him with the light on the floor.

I woke up and understood – he was depressed. Not the kind of depression I could help, this was the sort of depression I needed to stay away from.

So I gave him space.

I posted my friend Peter a package to give to him (he could not get mail where he was because he had no postbox. He was quarantined there but he was never meant to be there for so long) with herbs to help.

Last I knew he never bothered to get it. It would have helped a lot. I also sent him a tray of 20 some odd paints that I made by hand, some watercolour paper (with the silly portrait I made of him when we played truth or dare that time), some cookies, some Easter candies (I rushed the package there to get it to him for Easter since he was going to be stranded there over Easter without his family), plus a shirt I ordered for him from blackcraft. Oh, and some oils, both hoodoo and fragrant to lift his mood. It took me days to put this package together and weeks to make the paints and a month for the shirt to get here.

Peter was kind enough to offer to get it to him. Eirik never replied.

If it has to do with me, he avoids it. It was not always like this so… is it me or is it the depression?

Why choose one, yeah?

The last time I spoke with him was at the same time in the morning on the 22nd that Will left and never came back.

I mean, he does not know that, of course. That was just the time of the last message he sent me. He did not bother to read the one I sent after. For no real reason, the conversation was lighthearted.

But anyone that can ask me to wait for them and then ignore me for multiple days in a row, multiple times in a month does not want me in their life.

I appreciate the way he did it, though. He trained me for it. It started out one day at a time. Then two. Then three.

Now he can go a whole week at a time and I hardly notice.

I will miss him and I am sad as hell that it did not work out – we were two peas, us

but fuck anyone that does not know what they have when they have me.

You have all of my wishes for a glorious and glimmering life, Eirik, my mesmerising genius Gemini.

Think of me fondly please. You will always be my favourite Pokemon partner 🖤

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All the single ladies

🤦🏽‍♀️

Okay, so this was not the dealbreaker. We had an 80% compatibility which was low when you consider that he answered a LOT of questions. All he does is watch porn. He is proud of the amount of it he watches. And look, I am liberal as hell about sex but come on now, you have to know that large quantities of anything is no good for you. He also thinks that if you are friends with any of your exes that you are trouble and if you have slept with more than 14 people, you are a slut. 🤔

Yikes.

So, it is perfectly okay to watch women getting fucked day in and day out, in various ungodly positions, in most cases in situations the actress did not sign up for (so, she is being raped) which is perfectly OKAY because it is make-believe and for your pleasure right Mr. Hypocrite On OkCupid? But a real grown ass woman is a slut for enjoying her life and her body with another grown ass adult makes her a slut?

Sounds like you might be a bit salty because she had options that do not require a firewall and tissues.

It is not a big secret how I feel about guys and porn. It ruins interpersonal relationships. And makes it more difficult to have sex with guys that watch too much porn. I can always tell the first time I have sex with someone that jerks off way too much. They cannot get off unless they do it themselves. It takes a lot of reprogramming to get them to be able to be part of a couple again. And yeah, if they have been single for awhile, that is expected. Women do it too, vibrators numb their bits so being with anyone else is tricky. Human contact is becoming obsolete.

And with the virus taking over, it really is.

It figures, now that I am seriously considering a long-term relationship, a fucking plague is ravaging the land. It is a good thing that I have a sense of humour.

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17 of 460

Today is three years since Will died.
Before he died, he was trying to make amends for the damage he did to me & to our relationship. He was sending me emails with letters & artwork every night with different affirmations. He planned on doing 460 days of them (the tally of how many days he “ruined”). He did 30. This is one of them.

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